Iltaa
Five years ago I got sick.
Five years I have been fighting alone with my illness, five looooong years I have been alone with it because I CHOSE so. Why? I really don't know why, maybe it was because I have seen what the same illness can do to bystander who tries to help and be the voice of reason. After all.. I am sick because I am one.
Five years ago my grandpa died and the first signs came, but like always I ignored the emotional hell.. like always doing everything to forget the pain in side my mind. A thing after another happened and my mind filled with sadness never seeing nothing else.
Yes, my illness is depression.
It is as lethal as any illness in this world. Your mind is your enemy and only you can win it. There are drugs to numb your mind and next thing you know..you are addicted. They say you have to stop the drugs slower.. if you are going to stop taking them. So you don't have any side effects, but it isn't so. You can try and try and try take them slower and slower but still you have those damn side effects which are nervousness, panicking, tiredness and worst of all.. your black mind. So taking the drugs even if it is one pill a day it is easier to take them than suffer and be afraid of your own mind.
Afraid, yes. I am afraid of my own mind. I am afraid of it and I hate of it. Still can't do anything about it. If someone comes and tells me that I have to think differently, positively. How can I when it feels like a slap on the face to do so. Be a positive, slap. Be happy, slap. Be nice, slap. Smile, slap. How can I do these things when i don't feel the right to do so. The darkness which is around me all the time even the drugs are there too to ease the storm. My want to forget everyhting is so overwhelming and it is affecting in my memory. My mind fills up faster with information than normally and I start to forget faster than hummingbird flaps it's wings. It would be so much easier to fell a sleep and never wake up than wake up for the new day, but it never happens.
Happy outside to people to see, but dead inside just for myself. Feeling too much is easier to block and feel nothing. Than feel the world's pain and anger. Feel love or passion doesn't feel right for me to feel. I can't let myself feel those things, because I am afraid to lose again... Yes..I am afraid of my own feelings.
My mind is my enemy and my feelings are my fear.
My life is my own and I live it 'till the day I die.
I am alone even I am arounded by people.
My mind is always alone.
They can not see what I see.
It is mine alone to see.
To know.
To feel.
It is mine alone.
Five years I have been fighting alone with my illness, five looooong years I have been alone with it because I CHOSE so. Why? I really don't know why, maybe it was because I have seen what the same illness can do to bystander who tries to help and be the voice of reason. After all.. I am sick because I am one.
Five years ago my grandpa died and the first signs came, but like always I ignored the emotional hell.. like always doing everything to forget the pain in side my mind. A thing after another happened and my mind filled with sadness never seeing nothing else.
Yes, my illness is depression.
It is as lethal as any illness in this world. Your mind is your enemy and only you can win it. There are drugs to numb your mind and next thing you know..you are addicted. They say you have to stop the drugs slower.. if you are going to stop taking them. So you don't have any side effects, but it isn't so. You can try and try and try take them slower and slower but still you have those damn side effects which are nervousness, panicking, tiredness and worst of all.. your black mind. So taking the drugs even if it is one pill a day it is easier to take them than suffer and be afraid of your own mind.
Afraid, yes. I am afraid of my own mind. I am afraid of it and I hate of it. Still can't do anything about it. If someone comes and tells me that I have to think differently, positively. How can I when it feels like a slap on the face to do so. Be a positive, slap. Be happy, slap. Be nice, slap. Smile, slap. How can I do these things when i don't feel the right to do so. The darkness which is around me all the time even the drugs are there too to ease the storm. My want to forget everyhting is so overwhelming and it is affecting in my memory. My mind fills up faster with information than normally and I start to forget faster than hummingbird flaps it's wings. It would be so much easier to fell a sleep and never wake up than wake up for the new day, but it never happens.
Happy outside to people to see, but dead inside just for myself. Feeling too much is easier to block and feel nothing. Than feel the world's pain and anger. Feel love or passion doesn't feel right for me to feel. I can't let myself feel those things, because I am afraid to lose again... Yes..I am afraid of my own feelings.
My mind is my enemy and my feelings are my fear.
My life is my own and I live it 'till the day I die.
I am alone even I am arounded by people.
My mind is always alone.
They can not see what I see.
It is mine alone to see.
To know.
To feel.
It is mine alone.