(no subject)
Ttitle: A Letter
Author: Assilem82; Demented Symphony on FF.net
Pairing: Sam/Kurt
Word count: 1,810 words
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Slight spoilers starting from ep 4-finale. Established Klaine. Mild swearing nothing major.
Summary: Sam writes a letter to Kurt
Authors Note: Just something to kill time with while I work through my writers block. Plus we can never have to many Kum fics. Enjoy!
Dear Kurt,
We are alike in so many ways. I see that now. From the moment our hands touch I knew. But shit got in the way. You know, things like fear. That has to be the reason because if it is for anything else than that clearly means I don’t deserve you. If we are being completely honest that defiantly would be the biggest reason I don’t deserve you. Trust me I’m working on it. I’m tired of hiding. It just kills me though that the second I grow the balls and say fuck it, you are the one who is doing the hiding. Of course your not doing it the way that I was. No not at all, your more clever than that. No you are hiding in plain sight.
I don’t mean to brag but I was the first to start noticing how you changed, or actually to be more accurate the way you would change when you are around him. It’s no secret to anyone that I can give two shits and a biscuit about Blair or whatever his name is. I mean he’s nice and all and appears to treat you well. It would be a hell of a lot easier to say I didn’t like him because he has you. That’s the most obvious reason. I was fine with it though. I mean yeah, it hurt and I wanted to punch him in the face every time he called you adorable because you’re his boyfriend and not a fucking kitten. I could live with the thought of you being happy in Dalton, though you look so beautiful when you cry it doesn’t mean I want you to. As much as it pained me to see you walk out that door I wanted your happiness more.
But you weren’t happy at Dalton. Or at least that was what I gathered from what I deemed the night where something actually went fucking right happened. I was nervous enough when my boss told me where I was delivering the pizza’s to but my heart was literally in my throat when I looked through the window and saw you. I was shocked to see that you had changed. I mean it’s not like in the three month span you grew wings or something like that. No you looked so……restrained. The uniform that looked so natural on everyone else in the school looked foreign on you. Your smile was tight lipped and you looked more on your guard then I had ever seen when you were at McKinley. I watched you as you watched the guy you introduced to us as Blaine dance around without a care to the world. I half expected you to be up and joining him. Instead you just sat there.
I really didn’t expect you to be how you were when you saw me. When I lie awake at night I like to replay the scene in my head. Sometimes I think about adlibbing and turning it into something more than it was but then it would take the luster from it. How were you to know that just seeing your eyes light up and smile as bright as I’ve seen you in a long time and wrapping your arms around and giving me what anyone would consider a friendly hug would be what keeps me company on nights when I’m feeling my lowest. You never would have known that I was grateful to my boss that your delivery was going to be my last one I would have that night and that the second you found that out you asked me to stay and catch up. You never would have known how wonderful it felt to just have someone sit and listen to me and be so understanding. I never expected you to hold me while I cried. I never expected you to become my best friend.
When you returned to McKinley that was the best thing next your friendship that had happened all year. A part of me really hoped that along with the uniform that kept you so confined, you would have shed the person that kept you caged. His little scene in the courtyard was surprising and though it pissed me off that he did something that showed that he remotely cared about you it also made me happy. It made me think that maybe he did deserve you or at least he was working his way there.
When everything began to crash around me you became my rock. Yeah it was nice to have Quinn to lean on for a bit but I always sensed that she was merely just still feeling guilty for fucking me over with Finn. You never betrayed my trust even when it came to your reputation. Which how fucked up is it that they would ever accuse you of being a cheater? Your not like everyone else. When you give your heart to someone it’s theirs till they say otherwise. I couldn’t take them thinking of you like that. As much as I would have loved for that particular rumor to be true, I couldn’t let my secret ruin your happiness with Blaine. Your happiness has always been more important than mine.
I’m just sorry that when your world seemed to be crashing around you I didn’t step in. I’m still using what little pull of my popularity that I have left to find out all the people who voted for you. I wanted to believe as much as you did that Karofsky was the only jerk making your life hell and that with him suddenly growing a conscience you would be free to be yourself and no one else would mind. Sadly their hate is stronger than I thought. I wanted to run after you. If it wasn’t for Rachel I would have. We saw Blaine following you and she said he could handle it. That he would understand what you were going through and feeling better than I ever could. God if only she knew just how much I understood. What happened to you is the very reason I’ve been a coward and stayed hidden. I’m not strong like you. If it were me, I would have run and not looked back. Not you though. You walked on the stage and took the crown and owned it. When Karofsky ran I wanted to be the one to take your hand. I wanted to take you in my arms and give you your first dance at Prom. I won’t lie I was happy when Blaine grew some balls and asked you to finally dance. It pained me to watch the two of you. It was just so awkward. Your first dance should have been everything you told me you wanted. It should have been to a sweet love song and you should have been gazing lovingly into each others eyes. If I had you in my arms, I wouldn’t have wanted to look at anything but you. I decided that night I was going to do it.
You were probably as shocked to hear I was ‘dating’ Mercedes as I was to hear that everything with you and Blaine wasn’t as wonderful as they seemed. I guess I should have known when the two of us overheard Blaine tell you that he loved you and you hesitated. Mercedes says you were just in shock. I wish I could agree with her. I wish I didn’t get the constant text messages and IM’s asking me what I thought about Blaine and asking me for advice on how to talk to him. How you were beginning to feel suffocated because he was always there. How you would ask me if I thought you were a bad person because you couldn’t wait for him to leave the state because how can you miss him when he is constantly there. I wish you wouldn’t have confided in me that having a boyfriend isn’t exactly what you thought it would be. I wish that you wouldn’t call me after every fight the two of you have which somehow or another I get brought into.
I wish you wouldn’t leave your hand longer than necessary on my shoulder when we talk. I wish you wouldn’t let me hug you goodbye or grasp your hand in mine when I get overly excited about something. I wish you wouldn’t remember things like when I whined about pawning my favorite comic book. I wish you wouldn’t have went out and bought back my pawned comic and then some. I wish you wouldn’t have casually moved yourself into my families already crowded hotel room and spend countless hours babysitting with me. I wish you wouldn’t sit through and try to understand all my favorite movies. I wish you wouldn’t ask me to do impressions and make you laugh. I wish I wouldn’t catch you watching me like I watch you when you aren’t looking. I wish the lines of whatever we have weren’t so blurred. I wish that I could just wake you up from where your sleeping on my bed after crying your eyes out because once again Blaine is jealous because of the time we spend together. I wish I could just tell you I love you and shake you because with the two of us everything feels so natural. We wouldn’t even have to try, it would be just like breathing. I wish I didn’t know that you felt the same and that even though you do that you would still choose him in the end because I was ‘straight’ and you would do all you could to protect your heart from breaking again.
I wish that after you read this and know the truth that you won’t hate me. I’m sorry that I kept the truth from you. It’s not that I didn’t trust you so never think that. I just wanted to be someone worthy of you. You deserve to be with someone who is as open and brave as you are. I wasn’t ready to be that person when we met. I hope you know that I’m ready to be that person now. I already took the first step by telling my parents. Would you believe that they had already suspected for a while now? I hope that you know that I’m not asking you to choose between me or Blaine. I hope that you know that whether it be friend or lover I’m never leaving your side because I need you to be in my life. I will take you any way you’ll have me. I love you Kurt Elizabeth Hummel and hope that when and if you finally decide to tell me that you feel the same that you won’t hesitate.
My heart is forever yours,
Sam