A little love letter
Dear fangirls,
If you're bothering to read this, that probably means you. My girls. My London support-network, my Philes, my European soulmates, my people who grab me and hold me and keep me sane. My people who understand the words 'squee' and 'flail' and 'ossum' and 'glomp'. You. I want to tell you something.
I love you. I love you so much. I've spent the past hour going through photos of us - from the days when XF2 was just a unlighted dream, to London 2008 and a week-long high I will never forget, to X-Con and other Cons and Oktoberfest and Turkey and hundreds of other meet-ups in between. And God, I miss you all so much it's actually a physical ache.
I don't know why I'm feeling this so much at the moment. Perhaps it's because LJ is so quiet right now, and because for so long, we haven't had an actual board to talk on. Most of my current interactions are done via twitter, and whilst that's fun, it hardly produces a deep and meaningful connection. Perhaps it's because I've fallen head long into a little fandom called 'Supernatural' (you may have heard me mention it) and it's like rediscovering it all over again; the idea of the closeness this sort of thing can bring, when the people around you just GET you. Perhaps it's because, actually, my 'real' life, or rather, my day to day existence, is okay. I enjoy it. I'm okay. I just WANT you all. I just NEED that little extra.
You guys get me. I'm okay when I'm with you, 'cause I just fit. I belong. I have never belonged anywhere before, I don't think, but somehow, in our mismash of cultures, ideas, up-bringings and languages, we collide together beautifully. Or at least that's how it feels to me and I hope it's the same for you. I know occasionally we have our differences, but hey, we're family, right? That's what families do. It all comes back together in the end.
I've spent the last week with so_vieh, and the day after she left, I popped down to London for Much A Tate About Tennant, and a meal with some of you. And I sat there and I looked round that table, and I just thought; THIS. This is where I want to be, not just now, but in 10, 20, 30 years time. I never want to lose this. I go back to work properly next week, and with that comes the responsibility of dragging myself out of the fanfiction, con-interviews, tumblr coma I've put myself into. And that's okay. Because love them though I do, I understand that these FBI-timelords-with-spaceships-and-guns-slaying-vampires are fantasy. Hell, I even understand that, however much my heart breaks for it, no matter what I do, Misha Collins is never actually going to become my best friend/lover/one night stand/spouse/know I exist. That is, sadly, fantasy too, and I'll get over it. But you guys? You're my reality.
These shows? The reason we love them? They're love stories, whether it be romantically or not. We're drawn to them because it's about selling your soul for those you belong with, going to the ends of the earth for them, dragging them up from hell or even back from heaven, just because they belong. It's all about belonging, it's all we all ever crave, and I feel so lucky to have that.
So yeah. The point, anyway, is that I miss you all. And like for all of us, either time or money or both permit me for from doing much physically about that. But for my part, I'm going to try and be here more. On LJ specifically, but anywhere online where I can find you. I want to know about your day to day lives. I want us all to connect a little more, virtually at least. Because, fandom, fangirls? I don't wish I knew how to quit you. I never, ever want to.
And I now I shall stop being melodramatic, for a little while at least. Or else I might go and find my nearest tattoo parlour and get "Miles Adrift, Inches Apart" inked on me. Then demand y'all do the same.
xxx
If you're bothering to read this, that probably means you. My girls. My London support-network, my Philes, my European soulmates, my people who grab me and hold me and keep me sane. My people who understand the words 'squee' and 'flail' and 'ossum' and 'glomp'. You. I want to tell you something.
I love you. I love you so much. I've spent the past hour going through photos of us - from the days when XF2 was just a unlighted dream, to London 2008 and a week-long high I will never forget, to X-Con and other Cons and Oktoberfest and Turkey and hundreds of other meet-ups in between. And God, I miss you all so much it's actually a physical ache.
I don't know why I'm feeling this so much at the moment. Perhaps it's because LJ is so quiet right now, and because for so long, we haven't had an actual board to talk on. Most of my current interactions are done via twitter, and whilst that's fun, it hardly produces a deep and meaningful connection. Perhaps it's because I've fallen head long into a little fandom called 'Supernatural' (you may have heard me mention it) and it's like rediscovering it all over again; the idea of the closeness this sort of thing can bring, when the people around you just GET you. Perhaps it's because, actually, my 'real' life, or rather, my day to day existence, is okay. I enjoy it. I'm okay. I just WANT you all. I just NEED that little extra.
You guys get me. I'm okay when I'm with you, 'cause I just fit. I belong. I have never belonged anywhere before, I don't think, but somehow, in our mismash of cultures, ideas, up-bringings and languages, we collide together beautifully. Or at least that's how it feels to me and I hope it's the same for you. I know occasionally we have our differences, but hey, we're family, right? That's what families do. It all comes back together in the end.
I've spent the last week with so_vieh, and the day after she left, I popped down to London for Much A Tate About Tennant, and a meal with some of you. And I sat there and I looked round that table, and I just thought; THIS. This is where I want to be, not just now, but in 10, 20, 30 years time. I never want to lose this. I go back to work properly next week, and with that comes the responsibility of dragging myself out of the fanfiction, con-interviews, tumblr coma I've put myself into. And that's okay. Because love them though I do, I understand that these FBI-timelords-with-spaceships-and-guns-slaying-vampires are fantasy. Hell, I even understand that, however much my heart breaks for it, no matter what I do, Misha Collins is never actually going to become my best friend/lover/one night stand/spouse/know I exist. That is, sadly, fantasy too, and I'll get over it. But you guys? You're my reality.
These shows? The reason we love them? They're love stories, whether it be romantically or not. We're drawn to them because it's about selling your soul for those you belong with, going to the ends of the earth for them, dragging them up from hell or even back from heaven, just because they belong. It's all about belonging, it's all we all ever crave, and I feel so lucky to have that.
So yeah. The point, anyway, is that I miss you all. And like for all of us, either time or money or both permit me for from doing much physically about that. But for my part, I'm going to try and be here more. On LJ specifically, but anywhere online where I can find you. I want to know about your day to day lives. I want us all to connect a little more, virtually at least. Because, fandom, fangirls? I don't wish I knew how to quit you. I never, ever want to.
And I now I shall stop being melodramatic, for a little while at least. Or else I might go and find my nearest tattoo parlour and get "Miles Adrift, Inches Apart" inked on me. Then demand y'all do the same.
xxx