Franny and Zooey

[samigurl]

So right now I'm reading about the Glasses. I've finished through the Franny section. It surprisingly reminded myself of me not too long ago. I'm still as bad as her. Mental meltdowns, non-conformist conformist thinking, anti elitism intellectualism egotism....and the ditziness and mannerisms.....gave me a few laughs and a few crys. It seems that since I've started reading this I'm projecting her character and Lane's onto people I know. I just finished reading some livejournals. It seems materialistic and self centered and completely artificial. Why is elitism so important? What is it about the I have to feel full about myself I have to feel smarter than you? I see it in myself and I hate it. I see it in other people and it makes me feel like the world has become worthless. Isn't a sorority supposed to make improvements to society and women? It seems like more of an excuse to party and socialize for some girls. I just don't know anymore. I'm at the point of confusion. After sleeping_boy left that comment on how the true centred median of balance doesn't exist, I feel how imbalanced and imperfect I will always be. It is also true that I hold onto security blankets of how life should be. Things aren't turning out so well for me at school and life in general right now. I know I'm aiming for the greatest extremity of all for my own acceptance. Perfection and complete balance doesn't exist in life. Life has fluctuations. I need to learn not to exist on opposite poles...but I think of the scale as more of a triangle. I wouldn't want to try to corner myself in either of the isoceles angles and i wouldn't want to try to find perfect centered balance either. I guess the best place to be is somewhere in the area, but never a point on one of the lines. I wouldn't want to be tangental to just one point. A triangle's three angles can never be touched by just one line. Not an isosceles one anyway. To me, that means flexibility as to where to attract myself...to which corner? My hat it has three corners, three corners has my hat. But if I were to try to balance it on my head on the spiky point, it would never stay on. The best fit is the middle region on my head. I can have my all that way according to me. Flexibility is best. That is the true greatest stability.

I think all of this overly righteous philosophical type psychological type crappy turds is shitting all over my mind. Seriously, indefinitely I can never stop thinking about the intangible. It's just natural to want what you can't have. Consider it a challenge. And then when we get what we want, only the wisest know how to enjoy it. How stupid. Really though, it must be all this paranoia about school. I'm looking forward to the fresh start and the return, but really I don't know how prepared I am to finish off last terms leftovers. Deferrals for my exams would have been a good idea, but I'm being fucked over by myself with my procrastination and lack of any study habits. Call it Habitual Happy. "ha" (dunno how to spell it) means crab in Cantonese Chinese. It means habitual crappy or habitual crab pissy to me. pp=pissy. Get it? Ok I'll stop my crabbing about crab cakes. i eat happy cakes for breakfast everyday. i changed the expression "who peed in your cereal this morning?" Meh, time to get to my head to my bed. Tomorrow is the first of the longest until April. I said a pill.