(no subject)

[samequals]

so..i've had 3 breakdowns in the past three days. my life is just stressing me out so badly. school is overwhelming me so badly. i'm only taking 4 courses but the workload in each is so much to the point that i don't have the time or willpower to put in the work i need for each class. i'm going to be dropping my 6credit class..which means i'm going to be in school an extra semester. but its the only way. if i drop this course i'll have more time to focus on my other classes and make sure i do well in them. if i stay in i'm going to do poorly in all 4. as much as i don't want to be the pussy who can't handle 4 classes, i realized that i'd rather have my sanity and some peace of mind. in the past few weeks all my perceptions of reality have been tested. i have completely lost the knowledge of how to trust people. which in turn has made me question everything i'm doing and everything i am. its all that normal youth-bullshit. i dont know what i want to do with my life. i dont know what i'm doing with it now..everything is just so confusing. i feel lost and alone and hopeless and worthless all at once. it feels like there's a weight pressing down on me. breathing hurts and i'm starting to see that the happiness i thought i had maybe isn't true happiness at all. i'm just in complete turmoil. i'm losing sight of all the things i thought i wanted. my dad is really being cool about my wanting to drop his class though. he was telling me he's been in the exact same spot i am. and he knows how frustrating it is..so thats good. i'm just having a hard time trying to fully exploit my youth while i have it, work, and be in school...i can't seem to balance any of it. sometimes i think it'd be easier to just quit school, get some shitty ass job, and be like all the guys over at ed's. just chill, smoke and drink and watch lame tv shows when i'm not working. but i know that wouldn't make me happy. itd only be easy. i had big plans...and i dont want to give up on them yet. its just going to take a bit longer than i counted on. i'm even considering moving to cali again. time will tell. i think i just jumped into the deep end before i was ready. so i'm gonna pull back to the shallow end and work my way back up. but for now. i'm going to shower and try to calm down.

/end rant. hah