Tragic Figure doomed to the SAME mistakes...
i doubt that anyone uses this damn thing anymore but i need to vent and since i still have this why not use it right?? i just finished up my 2nd year of college and ive grown up alot since first leaving high school.... i'll have my AA by fall and be in the college of ed by spring (cross my fingers) but most likely will... this year was alot less of a mess unlike my first year of school.. thank god... i dont think i could have survived ANOTHER year like that one... but i learned alot from it i will say that... i actually got into a relationship with this guy who i pretty much chased after forever, dante, yeah believe it or not. who would have thought?? not me anyways... it was actually 3 months tuseday but now its over sadly :'( alot of things were going wrong, he has trust issues with women... i am skeptical about him when it comes to being faithful because hes just so secretive and sketchy about stupid things, i apparently can't give up my nightlife motives and continue to act like a moron (even though i HAVE calmed down ALOT since freshman year i lost 10 pounds for gods sake) bickering constantly... just unhealthy shit. i really like the kid, hes fun to hang out with even though he likes to pick on me to make me mad but i like it in a weird twisted way i guess you could say. i fucked up last night you could say by going out and getting billigerently drunk with some friends... which was wrong but at the same token.... i find text messages and emails online from this skank that i can't stand and he knows i dont approve of him talking to while we're together because its just disrespectful first of all and the fact that she can't keep her legs closed to anyone is another and i KNOW if she got an inch that bitch would take it a mile- with that said, he broke up with me today because of last nights drunken escapade- i mean i know i that calling him and being a drnk asshole is wrong- especially to your boyfriend but who hasn't had one of those nights?? if anyone should be breaking up with anyone it should have been me with all that sketchiness with that girl.... but no i believe in second chances if the crime isn't to severe... i guess he doesn't?! i mean stonewood and byard were enough for me last night because i was drunk off damn 4$martini night at like 12... i should have and would have normally not gone to green iguana but the fact that i was pretty much retarded inhibited my decisions last night so i was of course along for the ride to have fun. i didn't htink that he would do this in return.... but then again theres the infamous problem stated in the sentence i just said... "i didn't think" that right there gets everyone in trouble... but im human i'm not perfect, i make mistakes just like everyone else, and trust me hes made plenty of those "i didn't think" decisions... so bad to where i was in tears. but then i get the speech that i'm selffish and only think of myself, granted i do some selffish stuff but everyone does, and the fact that he thnkgs i purposely work to avoid him?? hello thats a cop out right there... i dont work to avoid MY BOYFRIEND thats the most rediculous statement i have ever heard in my life.... i would never do that because i really do like him alot and i just need money but thats a different story... then he comes at me with the whole "you don't care" statement... thats the one that gets at me the most.... how could i be in a relationship and not care about someone, please tell me that! i mean i made a retarded statement "yeah i care but only to certain extent" that statement was stupid to say, i mean its hard to get in relationships and completely give and trust the other person with your thoughts, feelings, emotional energy, and heart without any thought of getting hurt or stomped on, ya know? i mean it is selffish but at the same time i'm protecting myself right? i just didn't want to make the same mistakes that i made with my last relationship.... but i've been so caught up thinking about that stuff that i actually did the same things and pretty much followed the same path.... sad yet completely true and i just never saw it , or should i say didn't want to see it. When i was with chase i always would be like "ok i;m hanging out with so and so tonite and we can hang out tomorrow night because i want to go out tonight..." damnit and now with dante "well i have to do this this and this and i want to hang out with so and so but we'll hang out say saturday" what the hell am i thinking? looks like the same scenario to me.... i pretty much ruined dantes entire birthday because of some stupid bitch that makes me feel insecure... when in reality i dont know why because there is not one attribute that she has that i envy or could possibly want??? so i dont know why it constantly eats away at me day in and day out??? i guess its the fact that she has no idea what respect and regard for others feelings means.... besides if i were in her shoes and KNEW for a fact that NOONE wanted to date me or take me home to mamma i owuld want everyone else to be just as miserable as me .... ahhh such stupid stuff to worry and wonder about!!
i mean i dont like the fact that someone tries to tell what i can and can't do... i dont even listen to my parents let alone some guy i like.... i mean i dont know... i really do care about the kid, i really do, and now that the damage has been done, nothing i can say or do will fix it =( i kinda feel like instead of being the best week ever, its more like the worst.... i mean obviously i miss him and care otherwise i wouldnt be wiggin out like this... along with smashing my phone on the ground... YET AGAIN... idiot.... i mean i really need to sit back and take a look at my life? is there something wrong? if so can i fix it and do i want to fix it? obviously theres something wrong.... i screwed over 2 people that ive cared alot about and now i dont know what to do.... i dont feel the need to go out and be a freaking moron all the time, but i guess i have no self control.... thats a problem. i mean i would NEVER and have never cheated on anyone in my entire life but i just dont stop and think. My mom always told me that was a major problem that i had, but i never believed her or listened.... look where that got me... nowhere.. uhhh i guess what i'm trying to say is that ive now realized my problem... i never stop to think what the action i'm about to commit will effect someone else that i care about.... but at the same time am i better off without him??? i mean after all the evidence that lookes like cheating and none of the stories match up or make sense... should i be in denial and believe him or listen to my heart and instinct and believe that he is?? i can't believe after all the bad things i have found of him i still gave him a chance.... after having dreams, every song and tv show that i would watch was bout cheating, then finding those texts and emails... what do i belive? what do i do? i had never felt so betrayed and alone until that moment i found those things.... i felt like the world just kicked me off and said peace out .... that feeling is like non other i have ever felt and nor do i EVER want to feel it again... the sad yet true part of it all is that in the beginning i knew he would fuck up some how.... i just knew it, it was just a matter of time... and he has more then once, but for SOME ungodly REASON... i forgave him (even though i didn't forget) and trusted him not to make the same mistakes.... yet i screw up and do something which isn't nearly to the degree of his screwups and im broken up with..... ironic? sometimes i might second guess myself... but usually when it comes to bad things happening i'm right on target... i unfortunately have this horrible talent to predict bad things that are coming, its that damn intuition and i hate it... its lke i KNOW when its coming... and i ALWAYS know and i HATE IT! i FUCKING HATE IT! god im in so far over my head i dont know what to do anymore... i dont know whats right anymore for me, whats wrong,..... WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!? i just want to pick up and leave... the world i once knew has crashed down on me... and not a piece went unbroken.... i feel numb, alone, confused and lost.... i wonder if ill ever feel feelings towards someone else other then myself... its to hard and to much pain... i dont know if i cant handle it.... i dont know if i'm able to.... i want to be able to but i dont know if ill be able to take that leap over the comfort line... i just wish things could start over... like a fresh sheet of paper.... i believe in second chances as long as the first chance given wasn't just thrown to the wind and wasn't such a bad scar left that can't be unseen after time..... i just hope that he knows i care and that ive acknoledged the problem but at the same time he needs to acknowledge his... otherwise both of us will be two very lonely people
i mean i dont like the fact that someone tries to tell what i can and can't do... i dont even listen to my parents let alone some guy i like.... i mean i dont know... i really do care about the kid, i really do, and now that the damage has been done, nothing i can say or do will fix it =( i kinda feel like instead of being the best week ever, its more like the worst.... i mean obviously i miss him and care otherwise i wouldnt be wiggin out like this... along with smashing my phone on the ground... YET AGAIN... idiot.... i mean i really need to sit back and take a look at my life? is there something wrong? if so can i fix it and do i want to fix it? obviously theres something wrong.... i screwed over 2 people that ive cared alot about and now i dont know what to do.... i dont feel the need to go out and be a freaking moron all the time, but i guess i have no self control.... thats a problem. i mean i would NEVER and have never cheated on anyone in my entire life but i just dont stop and think. My mom always told me that was a major problem that i had, but i never believed her or listened.... look where that got me... nowhere.. uhhh i guess what i'm trying to say is that ive now realized my problem... i never stop to think what the action i'm about to commit will effect someone else that i care about.... but at the same time am i better off without him??? i mean after all the evidence that lookes like cheating and none of the stories match up or make sense... should i be in denial and believe him or listen to my heart and instinct and believe that he is?? i can't believe after all the bad things i have found of him i still gave him a chance.... after having dreams, every song and tv show that i would watch was bout cheating, then finding those texts and emails... what do i belive? what do i do? i had never felt so betrayed and alone until that moment i found those things.... i felt like the world just kicked me off and said peace out .... that feeling is like non other i have ever felt and nor do i EVER want to feel it again... the sad yet true part of it all is that in the beginning i knew he would fuck up some how.... i just knew it, it was just a matter of time... and he has more then once, but for SOME ungodly REASON... i forgave him (even though i didn't forget) and trusted him not to make the same mistakes.... yet i screw up and do something which isn't nearly to the degree of his screwups and im broken up with..... ironic? sometimes i might second guess myself... but usually when it comes to bad things happening i'm right on target... i unfortunately have this horrible talent to predict bad things that are coming, its that damn intuition and i hate it... its lke i KNOW when its coming... and i ALWAYS know and i HATE IT! i FUCKING HATE IT! god im in so far over my head i dont know what to do anymore... i dont know whats right anymore for me, whats wrong,..... WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!? i just want to pick up and leave... the world i once knew has crashed down on me... and not a piece went unbroken.... i feel numb, alone, confused and lost.... i wonder if ill ever feel feelings towards someone else other then myself... its to hard and to much pain... i dont know if i cant handle it.... i dont know if i'm able to.... i want to be able to but i dont know if ill be able to take that leap over the comfort line... i just wish things could start over... like a fresh sheet of paper.... i believe in second chances as long as the first chance given wasn't just thrown to the wind and wasn't such a bad scar left that can't be unseen after time..... i just hope that he knows i care and that ive acknoledged the problem but at the same time he needs to acknowledge his... otherwise both of us will be two very lonely people