Allow me, please, to write
all that i can remember of this stunning revelation I had while, of course, driving to work today...
YOU(and you know who YOU are) helped me a lot with this of course, but I think it was something I had to realize for myself and for some reason, the best thoughts always seem to come to me while I'm smoking in my car listening to Amy Winehouse.
Here it goes:
so I was thinking, and yes this post is public, you can all read it, happily.I dont care, i want everyone to know.
I was driving, and for some reason, all of a sudden, I just felt so, empowered.
This feeling that no matter what happens I'll be okay, I know who I am, I know what I'm worth, if I'm with someone who is dumb enough not ot realize it, dumb enough to stray or cheat or do or don't do the little things that should come so easy, then I should be smart enough to let them go, let them know who they were fucking with, but now they're just fucked.
I am already superior to anything that came before or anything that will come after. I pictured another woman, and I wondered, how pretty will she be? How successful? an artsy type? a business woman? what? will she be more attractive? will the fact that she comes after me automatically mean that she should be better?
no.
not at all my dear, only that I came first, which as a rule, should mean I'm better.
forgive me, i've stopped making sense, I realize now that I've just contradicted myself. But allow my fingers to dance anyway...
I picture scenes in my head, things that have happened, things that might, things that I want to happen in certain ways, I picture scenes right down to the clothing the people in the scenes are wearing, I can visualize facial expressions, I can hear sounds, cries, anger, words that will be said in those scenes. This is how I live my life, this is how I think, how I write, perhaps how I deal.
The scene:
a man, no faced man, telling me he has to test me, has to test us, my hair in a ponytail, jeans, big hoopy gold earings, I am strong, stronger in all honestly than I have ever been in reality. I get up from my seat, expressionless, and simply leave. I know full-well that if the no-faced man has to doubt it, he isn't worth it. I have to go, I have to find someone who will know, someone who will care to make me happy, care to let me know that they know what I mean to them that no one is better suited for them.
whatever, i mean, I feel empowered, if i get fucked over, it'll hurt for a little while I might cry a little bit, but i'll learn from it, and i might even regret it for a second, but i'll still be alive, and I'll power through, and in the end I won't have lost anything.
i win.
i'll always win.
i'm the only one who can break my heart, i'm the only one i'll allow to break my heart.
theres a whole lot of strength in that realization.
i need to sleep.
mom & dad leave for hawaii thursday, and for some reason it actually makes me sad, idk why, i think i just know i'll be lonely for a whole weak and a half, i'm not looking forward to it.
i'm excited for school though.
I went to the library today,
I checked out these books:
Picasso and His Lovers
Life With Picasso
by Palahniuk:
Diary
Survivor
and from Amazon I bought these:
Perk of being a Wallflower
On The Road
Lullaby
Snuff
i'm excited to read them all.
:]
goodnight to all my strong amazonian alpha females.
oh oh, p.s. I figured out my newest, NEXT tattoo, something in latin but idk where i'll get it, but i know i want to get it soon, despite the old man's protests. whatevs, i live for me, i have to learn to live for me.
remember this?
masochisticweight-obsessedindependentbipolarpsycho
i think i'll re-read all the oldies until i feel like sleeping, ther are nearly 2 years of them here.
bonsoir<3
YOU(and you know who YOU are) helped me a lot with this of course, but I think it was something I had to realize for myself and for some reason, the best thoughts always seem to come to me while I'm smoking in my car listening to Amy Winehouse.
Here it goes:
so I was thinking, and yes this post is public, you can all read it, happily.I dont care, i want everyone to know.
I was driving, and for some reason, all of a sudden, I just felt so, empowered.
This feeling that no matter what happens I'll be okay, I know who I am, I know what I'm worth, if I'm with someone who is dumb enough not ot realize it, dumb enough to stray or cheat or do or don't do the little things that should come so easy, then I should be smart enough to let them go, let them know who they were fucking with, but now they're just fucked.
I am already superior to anything that came before or anything that will come after. I pictured another woman, and I wondered, how pretty will she be? How successful? an artsy type? a business woman? what? will she be more attractive? will the fact that she comes after me automatically mean that she should be better?
no.
not at all my dear, only that I came first, which as a rule, should mean I'm better.
forgive me, i've stopped making sense, I realize now that I've just contradicted myself. But allow my fingers to dance anyway...
I picture scenes in my head, things that have happened, things that might, things that I want to happen in certain ways, I picture scenes right down to the clothing the people in the scenes are wearing, I can visualize facial expressions, I can hear sounds, cries, anger, words that will be said in those scenes. This is how I live my life, this is how I think, how I write, perhaps how I deal.
The scene:
a man, no faced man, telling me he has to test me, has to test us, my hair in a ponytail, jeans, big hoopy gold earings, I am strong, stronger in all honestly than I have ever been in reality. I get up from my seat, expressionless, and simply leave. I know full-well that if the no-faced man has to doubt it, he isn't worth it. I have to go, I have to find someone who will know, someone who will care to make me happy, care to let me know that they know what I mean to them that no one is better suited for them.
whatever, i mean, I feel empowered, if i get fucked over, it'll hurt for a little while I might cry a little bit, but i'll learn from it, and i might even regret it for a second, but i'll still be alive, and I'll power through, and in the end I won't have lost anything.
i win.
i'll always win.
i'm the only one who can break my heart, i'm the only one i'll allow to break my heart.
theres a whole lot of strength in that realization.
i need to sleep.
mom & dad leave for hawaii thursday, and for some reason it actually makes me sad, idk why, i think i just know i'll be lonely for a whole weak and a half, i'm not looking forward to it.
i'm excited for school though.
I went to the library today,
I checked out these books:
Picasso and His Lovers
Life With Picasso
by Palahniuk:
Diary
Survivor
and from Amazon I bought these:
Perk of being a Wallflower
On The Road
Lullaby
Snuff
i'm excited to read them all.
:]
goodnight to all my strong amazonian alpha females.
oh oh, p.s. I figured out my newest, NEXT tattoo, something in latin but idk where i'll get it, but i know i want to get it soon, despite the old man's protests. whatevs, i live for me, i have to learn to live for me.
remember this?
masochisticweight-obsessedindependentbipolarpsycho
i think i'll re-read all the oldies until i feel like sleeping, ther are nearly 2 years of them here.
bonsoir<3