What would I do over
I was reading something this morning that got me thinking. The question was asked, “What in your life would you do over?” and I got to thinking about that. I have made a lot of bad choices in my life, only because I, like almost every young person, had absolutely no clue what I was doing. I used to be a very emotion-driven and impulsive person when I was younger, which led to a lot of drama in my life. I guess everybody’s life has some amount of drama in their life; some more than others and some people know how to either defuse it or stay out of it. Unfortunately, I didn’t. In some cases, I still don’t.
Then there is the whole worrying about what’s “expected” of us in such a complicated society as this is. Now, we’re expected to graduate from high school, go off to college and become a doctor, lawyer, professor, or computer programmer, and not to get married, but just concentrate on career and nothing else. You can have relationships, but don’t concentrate on just one person. Have multiple relationships, and if you have a kid, whatever, just don’t concentrate on one relationship with just one person. And if you don’t get that good job you spent something like ten years in college for, you’re a loser. It doesn’t matter if you took a job driving a taxi, or flipping burgers, or working at any retail store, you’re still branded as a loser.
When I was nine, I had already had it ingrained in me that I would be a junky for the rest of my life; “Just like your mother.” Kathy would say. I vowed to her, and to myself that would never happen. I truly believed it, although Kathy wasn’t as easy to convince. Her exact words were, “Give it time, Jess, and Give it time.” I never forgot that to this day, and I made a conscious effort not to allow myself to get into drugs or alcohol no matter how horrible I felt, no matter how alone I felt through the years. I would like to say that I managed to make it this far without having any unhealthy addictions.
So, with all that, in a lot of ways, I still screwed up. When I got into college, I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I went back and forth with music, journalism, psychology, and foreign languages. I never could figure it out. There never seemed to be anything there that I felt passionate about no matter how hard I tried. Then, when I was 21, I spent some time in South Carolina with a friend. Even though the stay and the friendship ended very badly, I found something I could be passionate about. The Commission for the blind down there was offering a horticulture program. I think it lasted about four or five months, and after you graduated, they would either help you find a job, or help you get set up with a greenhouse. It was there that I found something I really and truly enjoyed. We learned about different plants, how to grow and maintain them, and in which environments to grow them. I never had so much fun in a course before. I think it helped that most of the course was hands on. I wasn’t sitting in a lecture hall trying to keep myself away while my head did that side-to-side/backward-and-foreword thing. Yes, we took tests, but we did it at our own pace, and there was almost no pressure. The instructors were awesome. They were patient, answered all my questions, and put up with my constantly forgetting things. They showed me all the important ways to determine what kind of plants they were, and how to transplant, or plant cuttings off of one main plant. I hated very much to see that class end, and wanted to continue on with it, and maybe one day, have my own greenhouse and garden.
That, I would say, is something I wish I could have done over. I would have found a way to continue with the horticulture, and maybe I’d be able to grow herbs for herbalists and healers, grow fruits and vegetables and sell them, grow house plants for people who just need something in their homes to cheer them up, and in the process, it would have helped me to connect with nature more and it would have helped me to heal from some of the emotional scars acquired since early childhood. Maybe it wouldn’t have cured everything, and given me a utopia, but at least I would have been able to make a living while doing something very healing for me that that I enjoy. I know it’s not too late. I’m only 33 years old, so maybe, with this new life change that I feel coming, I can take advantage and turn back to horticulture as a new career. If I don’t’ pass the massage test, I will have no regrets, as I know I tried, and I did the work. I can do massages as a hobby, and do the plants fulltime.
Originally published at Life in the Nuthouse. Please leave any comments there.