WTF God?!
Dear God,
Where the hell are you? I don't feel you the way I used to. I used to know without a shadow of a doubt that you existed, that you were real, that you loved me. Right now, if you even exist, which I still tend to think you do, I don't know who you are. For the past year I have been struggling to maintain my relationship with you. Now, I am at a breaking point. I am not going to work at this anymore. You don't seem to be, so why should I? Sexual impurity....did I get myself into this hole or did you let me fall? It wasn't like I was begging to sin. I wanted to be whole and pure for you. But in you we were not granted exemption from sin. No matter how hard we tried to draw near to you, no matter how hard we tried to stay on the straight and narrow, the pull to sin was stronger. Why? Aren't you the strongest? If you are who you say you are why was the pull to sin stronger than you? So we sinned, against our bodies. We did what was contrary to you, what was contrary to our own spirits. And you held us accountable. There was condemnation, where you said there would be none. I felt the condemnation in yoru body, even in the pastor of your church. Condemnation so heavy that I hated myself and I hated Jose, but I kept loving you. Going to church was so hard because I felt the strongest weight when I tried to worship you. I felt unworthy and low. I thought, "once we are married this will no longer be sin, the battle will be over, we can return to peace with you our God". A union with Jose would be more than just a marriage, it would be a return to right standing with God. For a while I thought that was how it would be. But it wasn't that way. Your word did not hold the same promise as before. It felt void and empty when I read it. Neither of us held the same passion as before. And I felt ashamed. Like I was doing something wrong. Like I wasn't good enough for you. I felt compelled to keep working, to keep trying. I felt like I should put on a face like everything was fine. But I have never been good at that.
Based on what I know about you, or thought I did, you are a father who comes after his lost sheep. Nothing can separate your children from your love. Yet, here I sit, a lost sheep, longing to be in relationship with you once more, and where are you? Why can't I acknowledge your presence? Why do I have so much anger towards you? I sat in church this morning, as pastor Paul spoke about how worthy you are of our praise and I said "No, God is not worthy". I did not want to praise you.
I know that you have done marvelous things for me in my life. But why are you gone now? I feel abandoned. I feel lonely, purposeless, depressed. I don't like it here in this dark place. Without you. But what more can I do? I'm not moving, but I dare you to move. I dare you to come pick me up off of the floor.
Where the hell are you? I don't feel you the way I used to. I used to know without a shadow of a doubt that you existed, that you were real, that you loved me. Right now, if you even exist, which I still tend to think you do, I don't know who you are. For the past year I have been struggling to maintain my relationship with you. Now, I am at a breaking point. I am not going to work at this anymore. You don't seem to be, so why should I? Sexual impurity....did I get myself into this hole or did you let me fall? It wasn't like I was begging to sin. I wanted to be whole and pure for you. But in you we were not granted exemption from sin. No matter how hard we tried to draw near to you, no matter how hard we tried to stay on the straight and narrow, the pull to sin was stronger. Why? Aren't you the strongest? If you are who you say you are why was the pull to sin stronger than you? So we sinned, against our bodies. We did what was contrary to you, what was contrary to our own spirits. And you held us accountable. There was condemnation, where you said there would be none. I felt the condemnation in yoru body, even in the pastor of your church. Condemnation so heavy that I hated myself and I hated Jose, but I kept loving you. Going to church was so hard because I felt the strongest weight when I tried to worship you. I felt unworthy and low. I thought, "once we are married this will no longer be sin, the battle will be over, we can return to peace with you our God". A union with Jose would be more than just a marriage, it would be a return to right standing with God. For a while I thought that was how it would be. But it wasn't that way. Your word did not hold the same promise as before. It felt void and empty when I read it. Neither of us held the same passion as before. And I felt ashamed. Like I was doing something wrong. Like I wasn't good enough for you. I felt compelled to keep working, to keep trying. I felt like I should put on a face like everything was fine. But I have never been good at that.
Based on what I know about you, or thought I did, you are a father who comes after his lost sheep. Nothing can separate your children from your love. Yet, here I sit, a lost sheep, longing to be in relationship with you once more, and where are you? Why can't I acknowledge your presence? Why do I have so much anger towards you? I sat in church this morning, as pastor Paul spoke about how worthy you are of our praise and I said "No, God is not worthy". I did not want to praise you.
I know that you have done marvelous things for me in my life. But why are you gone now? I feel abandoned. I feel lonely, purposeless, depressed. I don't like it here in this dark place. Without you. But what more can I do? I'm not moving, but I dare you to move. I dare you to come pick me up off of the floor.