In great doubt
Ok well today i was sick and i couldnt stop shaking, i got nailed with flying pieces of paper, and Scott said i had frogs at the end of my hair =P But anyways in civics we were working on our research projects, and i got next to nothing done, because i had to turn off my computer monitor due to the high pitch scream it was making. I also managed to screw up Latisha's scrap book, but what can you expect from me?, all i do is screw every fucking thing up!!!
I really wonder about myself sometimes, why am i always feeling this way? why cant i just feel normal, thats all i want, i want to feel normal, just for once, just so i know how it feels like. But i cant, im stuck like this. Maybe i need to be put away for awhile, i mean i have the best friends in the world, and i feel like they hate me all the time, and i feel like i make them acward, maybe i do?, maybe i really annoy the hell out of them, and they really hate me, just being to nice and not telling me, fuck i have serious problems! I feel this way with everyone, but for some reason, i feel like i annoy Scott, alot, and i feel i make him extremly acward, and i dont know what to do, so i sit there and dont talk, because i dont think he really wants to hear me =( not many people really do want to talk to me ne ways =( I really need help, but i cant talk to anyone, im ashamed of myself, im everything i hate, and thats only because i HATE ME!!
Fuck why do i have to be this way, why am i afraid of everything?, im even afraid to hang around friends, because what if they dont really want me around? And i always here people making plans, but i go home and sit at my computer wondering how it would be if i would just die, i mean honestly, i wouldnt really be missed if im not really noticed or around right? i just dont know what to do anymore. Every morning i wake up ( thats providing if i actually slept) and ask myself why go to school, but if i didnt go to school id go insane, and when i stay home i go insane, i hate being here, but what can i do about it? well there is one thing, but im not going to do that. Its just i want to dissapear, and who knows maybe i will.....
Its just i know i wouldnt fucking be missed, but i dont want to be missed, i hate attention!! i hate people looking at me, i hate it, its just them noticing how fucked up i really am. GRRRRRRRRR i hate me i hate me i fucking hate me!!! i just want all of my friends to know that i love them, even though i know they couldnt possibly love me =( Theres nothing about me to love, im a fake, i have no justice being alive, i fake being happy, i fake everysmile, i fake being me. I dont wanna be here, but yet i keep finding myself back at this keyboard writing how much i dont want to be here. Lets just say im affraid, affraid to fail in a supposively flawless plan....But everyone remmember no matter what i love you and i will always care...
Im just so scared, i dont know what i want anymore, i dont know whats expected of me, all i know is im failing life, im failing my friends, my family, everything, sure im doing good in school, but i dont give a fuck, im to sad to give a fuck ne more!!, My moms always fucking drunk when i get home from school, and im sick of seeing her drunk! i want a normal mother, not a fucking lush!! Her excuse is shes under pressure, but so the fuck am i! but you dont see me fucking getting drunk everyday!
I just want everything to be ok, i want to know everythings gonig to be ok, but i know its not, espeacially with me. My life is worthless, and so am i, what my point? i have no fucking clue, im just a gilr whos to sad to give a fuck ne more.
Im sick of the pain, sick of the suffering, im sick of the feeling that everyone hates me, espeacially the ones i care about the most ( take a wild guess as too who they are) I hate not knowing if im wanted or not, i need help, but maybe i dont want it, maybe i want this shit just to end emediately, i dont know, but if this shit keeps up im affraid their might be a terrible consiquence.
Please dont worry, ill be ok......or will i...im really not sure...
I really wonder about myself sometimes, why am i always feeling this way? why cant i just feel normal, thats all i want, i want to feel normal, just for once, just so i know how it feels like. But i cant, im stuck like this. Maybe i need to be put away for awhile, i mean i have the best friends in the world, and i feel like they hate me all the time, and i feel like i make them acward, maybe i do?, maybe i really annoy the hell out of them, and they really hate me, just being to nice and not telling me, fuck i have serious problems! I feel this way with everyone, but for some reason, i feel like i annoy Scott, alot, and i feel i make him extremly acward, and i dont know what to do, so i sit there and dont talk, because i dont think he really wants to hear me =( not many people really do want to talk to me ne ways =( I really need help, but i cant talk to anyone, im ashamed of myself, im everything i hate, and thats only because i HATE ME!!
Fuck why do i have to be this way, why am i afraid of everything?, im even afraid to hang around friends, because what if they dont really want me around? And i always here people making plans, but i go home and sit at my computer wondering how it would be if i would just die, i mean honestly, i wouldnt really be missed if im not really noticed or around right? i just dont know what to do anymore. Every morning i wake up ( thats providing if i actually slept) and ask myself why go to school, but if i didnt go to school id go insane, and when i stay home i go insane, i hate being here, but what can i do about it? well there is one thing, but im not going to do that. Its just i want to dissapear, and who knows maybe i will.....
Its just i know i wouldnt fucking be missed, but i dont want to be missed, i hate attention!! i hate people looking at me, i hate it, its just them noticing how fucked up i really am. GRRRRRRRRR i hate me i hate me i fucking hate me!!! i just want all of my friends to know that i love them, even though i know they couldnt possibly love me =( Theres nothing about me to love, im a fake, i have no justice being alive, i fake being happy, i fake everysmile, i fake being me. I dont wanna be here, but yet i keep finding myself back at this keyboard writing how much i dont want to be here. Lets just say im affraid, affraid to fail in a supposively flawless plan....But everyone remmember no matter what i love you and i will always care...
Im just so scared, i dont know what i want anymore, i dont know whats expected of me, all i know is im failing life, im failing my friends, my family, everything, sure im doing good in school, but i dont give a fuck, im to sad to give a fuck ne more!!, My moms always fucking drunk when i get home from school, and im sick of seeing her drunk! i want a normal mother, not a fucking lush!! Her excuse is shes under pressure, but so the fuck am i! but you dont see me fucking getting drunk everyday!
I just want everything to be ok, i want to know everythings gonig to be ok, but i know its not, espeacially with me. My life is worthless, and so am i, what my point? i have no fucking clue, im just a gilr whos to sad to give a fuck ne more.
Im sick of the pain, sick of the suffering, im sick of the feeling that everyone hates me, espeacially the ones i care about the most ( take a wild guess as too who they are) I hate not knowing if im wanted or not, i need help, but maybe i dont want it, maybe i want this shit just to end emediately, i dont know, but if this shit keeps up im affraid their might be a terrible consiquence.
Please dont worry, ill be ok......or will i...im really not sure...