melt all the ice in my head
as of this very moment, i have 3 nights left in this house, to be alone in my room, have a little sister next door, and a dog at my feet. i am everything i could have hoped for emotionally; completely pulled together, and unflinchingly prepared.
as i began fitting small things into their new homes of plastic storage bins earlier, i thought about this new situation in phrases that i deemed fitting. "its amazing how many years of my life can be summed up in 5 plastic garbage bags."
my little sister came to me in my room tonight, bawling and begging me not to leave. i hugged her awkwardly and said things like, "we still have until thursday," and "its not like i'll never come home to see you;" my face pulled into an strange mixture of pity and reluctance to satisfy the expectant frown of my mom close behind her.
when she left, i stared at the wall for a good five minutes, and was thoroughly disgusted with myself. i have realized that i am conducting this incredibly significant move towards the unknown as if it were... insignificant. i don't know how to sympathize with, or even hug my little sister anymore. i am ashamed and even angry with myself for going through this stonefaced and with a passive heart.
two years ago, i was so embarrassed with the way i had taught myself to want, need, and depend on one person. after having my naive expectations shattered for the first time, i had learned that the more dependant you become on someone, the more fragile your state of individuality becomes. instead of taking this in a progressive, balanced direction, i let my hate guide me. i became what i am today; an uncompromising, relationship-intolerant, arrogant defender of what i think of as an assault on "independant" girls like me.
i spent every class of my senior year seeking out what i saw as weaker people to compare my intelligence and individuality with. this year long ego trip did nothing positive for me at all. i slept all the way through creative writing, and seethed all afternoon in art.
and as we are naming my insecurities, i've never been good at hugs. i feel so self conscious and small every time i'm invited or expected to participate in one. expressing my affection for my family and friends fills me with anxiety every time.
what i want from my college experience is to learn the art of opening my mind, and letting others inside without persecuting them. i want to know someone the way i know myself, and i want others to feel comfortable doing the same for me. i want to... just feel again.
...
i like this journal because i can talk about myself at length without needing to feel guilty about it. even though other people can read it, it is mine and i don't need to worry about boring or annoying anyone... those who aren't interested simply won't bother themselves with it, and this comforts me because i know i won't have to hide anything when i type. it is alot unlike having to deal with the real world, or talking to real people, and because of this, i am honest when i write.
and to all of you who have shared even the smallest part of your life with me, who are reading this for any reason, it is important for you to understand that you are sacred and special to me. i love you more dearly than you could know, and i hope you can forgive me for being at a loss in expressing it. i will miss you sorely... i already do.
as i began fitting small things into their new homes of plastic storage bins earlier, i thought about this new situation in phrases that i deemed fitting. "its amazing how many years of my life can be summed up in 5 plastic garbage bags."
my little sister came to me in my room tonight, bawling and begging me not to leave. i hugged her awkwardly and said things like, "we still have until thursday," and "its not like i'll never come home to see you;" my face pulled into an strange mixture of pity and reluctance to satisfy the expectant frown of my mom close behind her.
when she left, i stared at the wall for a good five minutes, and was thoroughly disgusted with myself. i have realized that i am conducting this incredibly significant move towards the unknown as if it were... insignificant. i don't know how to sympathize with, or even hug my little sister anymore. i am ashamed and even angry with myself for going through this stonefaced and with a passive heart.
two years ago, i was so embarrassed with the way i had taught myself to want, need, and depend on one person. after having my naive expectations shattered for the first time, i had learned that the more dependant you become on someone, the more fragile your state of individuality becomes. instead of taking this in a progressive, balanced direction, i let my hate guide me. i became what i am today; an uncompromising, relationship-intolerant, arrogant defender of what i think of as an assault on "independant" girls like me.
i spent every class of my senior year seeking out what i saw as weaker people to compare my intelligence and individuality with. this year long ego trip did nothing positive for me at all. i slept all the way through creative writing, and seethed all afternoon in art.
and as we are naming my insecurities, i've never been good at hugs. i feel so self conscious and small every time i'm invited or expected to participate in one. expressing my affection for my family and friends fills me with anxiety every time.
what i want from my college experience is to learn the art of opening my mind, and letting others inside without persecuting them. i want to know someone the way i know myself, and i want others to feel comfortable doing the same for me. i want to... just feel again.
...
i like this journal because i can talk about myself at length without needing to feel guilty about it. even though other people can read it, it is mine and i don't need to worry about boring or annoying anyone... those who aren't interested simply won't bother themselves with it, and this comforts me because i know i won't have to hide anything when i type. it is alot unlike having to deal with the real world, or talking to real people, and because of this, i am honest when i write.
and to all of you who have shared even the smallest part of your life with me, who are reading this for any reason, it is important for you to understand that you are sacred and special to me. i love you more dearly than you could know, and i hope you can forgive me for being at a loss in expressing it. i will miss you sorely... i already do.