MHAW2020
So it’s mental health awareness week again - and what a weird one it is.
This time 5 years ago I shared a small part of my story and a few years ago talked about my efforts to try things to improve the way my brain works and my health overall. A lot has happened in the 2 years since then.
I mentioned my diet in my last update but I do feel like the changes I made have continued to make a massive difference for me. I haven’t really eaten wheat, legumes and most nuts for a little over 2½ years - and the times I have (by accident or lack of willpower (the desire for marmite just takes over sometimes!)) I have been quite ill. I’ve realised, too, that my body doesn’t react to external things the way it used to either - I can tolerate far more washing powder and perfume smells, body sprays and even being around smokers (which was a huge issue for me in the past). Honestly, whether it’s a psychological difference or not I definitely feel physically healthier (hip pain aside), and, also, mentally healthier.
I have, really, been working on myself. I’ve talked to many people, some trained, some not and developed quite an interest in psychology. For a logically brained person like me, it’s amazing how much difference it makes when there are reasons for the way I’m behaving or have behaved and it all just seems to makes sense.
Life wise 2019 was, unexpectedly, hard. Though not in terms of anything that really happened to me, specifically. Hard in terms of coping with change; being reminded that sometimes we lose people and there’s nothing we can do about it. And that we don’t know what’s going on in other people’s minds and hearts. It also brought to light the reality that we’re all getting older and life can’t stay the same forever. But I felt it; all - heartbreak and loss that didn’t feel like it should have been mine to feel and a new fear of the inevitability of what’s to come in the future.
Sure there were some bad parts, but there was some good parts and some great parts too!
Late in 2019 I was helped to realise that the doctor I was seeing (but had stopped) wasn’t right for me and so in early 2020 I moved my GP surgery. I’d been building up a list of things I wanted to see the doctor for and ended up having 4 appointments in February as well as being referred to the hospital (finally) for an x-ray and actually being able to get some more help for my hip (rather than being told there’s nothing they can do, come back when I’m 45…) but then; everything got cancelled.
So 2020 so far has, also, been hard. Hard for everyone in the world I think. For the most part I’m fine. I definitely feel really lucky at the timing, which seems like a funny thing to say but if this had happened 5 years ago I don’t know if I would have been able to cope. But now, my parents and sister are together (and work situations aren’t an issue), one nan is tech savvy enough to keep not extra lonely, and busy and fed, the other nan is well cared for in her home and I don’t have to worry about grandad.
I last saw my family on Mother’s day - the day before official ‘stay at home’ lockdown in the UK. I went and stayed at my parent’s against the advice of work colleagues, but I’m glad I did. To be able to hug my parents, my sister and my nan (who happened to be there too) was the best - and, at the time, worth the risk. Things have happened in the last few months and I wish I was allowed to have been there.
Throughout the last month or so physically I’ve been struggling a little. I can’t see my chiropractor at the moment and I had to do my physio assessment on the phone (which was really odd, I have no idea whether I've been doing the exercises correctly). Getting shopping has been tough - I can’t drive in my wearable aids and I can’t stand and walk very well without them. I hadn’t been to a supermarket for a large shop for over a year (a few top-ups maybe if I didn’t drive) but I’ve been told I’m not the ‘right type of vulnerable’ to stay on the list for deliveries. I’m resourceful, though. I’ve found multiple websites that sell the products I like and have been making the most of the fresh food when I get the chance to eat it!
Mentally, though, I’ve not been too bad. I think it’s probably because my routine hasn’t changed all that much. I’m busy with work; probably busier than normal. I’m not travelling for work but working from home isn’t really an adjustment for me. My husband’s still working so he’s not under my feet all day and when we have free time we’ve been playing games together (which we started doing before the lockdown). I have been having the odd flashback to when I really struggled with leaving the house (or doing things in general) for fear that something would make me ill or that something bad would happen if I did certain things. Oddly I take solace in the fact that others are feeling the same thing this time round and I’m not being paranoid, unreasonable or overreacting but it’s still a strange feeling. I feel a little bit less anxious (which is weird) - it’s like I’ve been worrying so long about what could happen and thinking about what I would do ‘if…’ that I feel I know how to deal with things in my head and already have a bit of a coping strategy. Plus I don’t feel like I’m alone and panicking for no reason. I’m slightly concerned, though, about how I’m going to get myself out of this when things get going again; home is my safe place - it took a lot of effort for me to get out there last time - it's going to take a lot of effort this time, too, I'm sure.
I don’t know how to end this but to say, be kind. Look after yourselves - and your families, and remember that it’s not all darkness.
This time 5 years ago I shared a small part of my story and a few years ago talked about my efforts to try things to improve the way my brain works and my health overall. A lot has happened in the 2 years since then.
I mentioned my diet in my last update but I do feel like the changes I made have continued to make a massive difference for me. I haven’t really eaten wheat, legumes and most nuts for a little over 2½ years - and the times I have (by accident or lack of willpower (the desire for marmite just takes over sometimes!)) I have been quite ill. I’ve realised, too, that my body doesn’t react to external things the way it used to either - I can tolerate far more washing powder and perfume smells, body sprays and even being around smokers (which was a huge issue for me in the past). Honestly, whether it’s a psychological difference or not I definitely feel physically healthier (hip pain aside), and, also, mentally healthier.
I have, really, been working on myself. I’ve talked to many people, some trained, some not and developed quite an interest in psychology. For a logically brained person like me, it’s amazing how much difference it makes when there are reasons for the way I’m behaving or have behaved and it all just seems to makes sense.
Life wise 2019 was, unexpectedly, hard. Though not in terms of anything that really happened to me, specifically. Hard in terms of coping with change; being reminded that sometimes we lose people and there’s nothing we can do about it. And that we don’t know what’s going on in other people’s minds and hearts. It also brought to light the reality that we’re all getting older and life can’t stay the same forever. But I felt it; all - heartbreak and loss that didn’t feel like it should have been mine to feel and a new fear of the inevitability of what’s to come in the future.
Sure there were some bad parts, but there was some good parts and some great parts too!
Late in 2019 I was helped to realise that the doctor I was seeing (but had stopped) wasn’t right for me and so in early 2020 I moved my GP surgery. I’d been building up a list of things I wanted to see the doctor for and ended up having 4 appointments in February as well as being referred to the hospital (finally) for an x-ray and actually being able to get some more help for my hip (rather than being told there’s nothing they can do, come back when I’m 45…) but then; everything got cancelled.
So 2020 so far has, also, been hard. Hard for everyone in the world I think. For the most part I’m fine. I definitely feel really lucky at the timing, which seems like a funny thing to say but if this had happened 5 years ago I don’t know if I would have been able to cope. But now, my parents and sister are together (and work situations aren’t an issue), one nan is tech savvy enough to keep not extra lonely, and busy and fed, the other nan is well cared for in her home and I don’t have to worry about grandad.
I last saw my family on Mother’s day - the day before official ‘stay at home’ lockdown in the UK. I went and stayed at my parent’s against the advice of work colleagues, but I’m glad I did. To be able to hug my parents, my sister and my nan (who happened to be there too) was the best - and, at the time, worth the risk. Things have happened in the last few months and I wish I was allowed to have been there.
Throughout the last month or so physically I’ve been struggling a little. I can’t see my chiropractor at the moment and I had to do my physio assessment on the phone (which was really odd, I have no idea whether I've been doing the exercises correctly). Getting shopping has been tough - I can’t drive in my wearable aids and I can’t stand and walk very well without them. I hadn’t been to a supermarket for a large shop for over a year (a few top-ups maybe if I didn’t drive) but I’ve been told I’m not the ‘right type of vulnerable’ to stay on the list for deliveries. I’m resourceful, though. I’ve found multiple websites that sell the products I like and have been making the most of the fresh food when I get the chance to eat it!
Mentally, though, I’ve not been too bad. I think it’s probably because my routine hasn’t changed all that much. I’m busy with work; probably busier than normal. I’m not travelling for work but working from home isn’t really an adjustment for me. My husband’s still working so he’s not under my feet all day and when we have free time we’ve been playing games together (which we started doing before the lockdown). I have been having the odd flashback to when I really struggled with leaving the house (or doing things in general) for fear that something would make me ill or that something bad would happen if I did certain things. Oddly I take solace in the fact that others are feeling the same thing this time round and I’m not being paranoid, unreasonable or overreacting but it’s still a strange feeling. I feel a little bit less anxious (which is weird) - it’s like I’ve been worrying so long about what could happen and thinking about what I would do ‘if…’ that I feel I know how to deal with things in my head and already have a bit of a coping strategy. Plus I don’t feel like I’m alone and panicking for no reason. I’m slightly concerned, though, about how I’m going to get myself out of this when things get going again; home is my safe place - it took a lot of effort for me to get out there last time - it's going to take a lot of effort this time, too, I'm sure.
I don’t know how to end this but to say, be kind. Look after yourselves - and your families, and remember that it’s not all darkness.