The death of Basenji...
And possibly...the closing of the last chapter..in the book of Vincent.
It pains me to write such words...and to make such thoughts tangible. Yet, it feels mostly true.
I thought the circumstance of him leaving would tear us apart...But I was wrong. It was such a short time that I began to know him, and in such a short time I began to fall in love with him. and he knew that. The circumscribing stagnation is more than I can bear. I fear so much. and as kel once said "we won't always be here for you..."
its so true.
for that is the only thing I hear in my mind when I reach out for comfort in the cold nights. I search my mind for the voices of my friends to make me strong...and I cannot find that any longer. I'm in such dire need for jef right now its pathetic. Jef would help me make sense of this. he would..help me understand the positivity that surrounds my situation. Because at this moment I'm beyond blind.
it all started saturday night: my friend Noah invited me down to Ithaca for a huge party, i accepted since i had the whole day off sunday. After work I headed for Ithaca, with no intention of seeking out vincent...at least in my head..but my heart felt otherwise. (side note: vincent's dad was in from wednesday to sunday so he was going to be busy with that) I went to the parties, Noah was nice enough to let me sleep on his couch. but before i went to sleep i called vincent. at 3:30 in the morning. i woke him up..i told him i was in ithaca, he was suprised, i told him i missed him, he didnt say anything other than well good night. the next day..
I spent a lonely day trecking through Cascadilla Glen Waterfalls...doing some soul searching. Tired and hot, i began to return to my car...and there he was...on a street corner...all i saw was his back to me..he was walking...i knew it was him
by the way he walked
the way his hair looks...
i ran.
i caught him and he greeted me with a smile. He told me he just saw his dad off at the airport. and that he was going to get some books and go to library to work...I immediatly saw this as a sign that he was busy and that we would not be able to be together...in an effort to keep him by my side as long as i could..i offered a ride and he gladly accepted. as he was getting out of my car he looked at me and smiled..i leaned in to kiss him goodbye...the most unresponsive kiss. i tried for a second...i called it "one for the road" and it was the same. We've yet to talk today, however i left a message on his answering machine around 9...saying that i was kinda worried about him and that i wanted to chance to chit-chat with him for a while...no call back.
i understand its crunch time for college students around the country. why should he be any exception...? there are so many ways of looking at it...but something isnt adding up. something..just doesnt feel right. and he was supposed to come to syracuse this weekend...
will it happen...?
and if it doesn't...why won't it..?
There are so many questions...and I'm not sure if I want the answer to them all.
because one of them..might be the last answer he gives..
It pains me to write such words...and to make such thoughts tangible. Yet, it feels mostly true.
I thought the circumstance of him leaving would tear us apart...But I was wrong. It was such a short time that I began to know him, and in such a short time I began to fall in love with him. and he knew that. The circumscribing stagnation is more than I can bear. I fear so much. and as kel once said "we won't always be here for you..."
its so true.
for that is the only thing I hear in my mind when I reach out for comfort in the cold nights. I search my mind for the voices of my friends to make me strong...and I cannot find that any longer. I'm in such dire need for jef right now its pathetic. Jef would help me make sense of this. he would..help me understand the positivity that surrounds my situation. Because at this moment I'm beyond blind.
it all started saturday night: my friend Noah invited me down to Ithaca for a huge party, i accepted since i had the whole day off sunday. After work I headed for Ithaca, with no intention of seeking out vincent...at least in my head..but my heart felt otherwise. (side note: vincent's dad was in from wednesday to sunday so he was going to be busy with that) I went to the parties, Noah was nice enough to let me sleep on his couch. but before i went to sleep i called vincent. at 3:30 in the morning. i woke him up..i told him i was in ithaca, he was suprised, i told him i missed him, he didnt say anything other than well good night. the next day..
I spent a lonely day trecking through Cascadilla Glen Waterfalls...doing some soul searching. Tired and hot, i began to return to my car...and there he was...on a street corner...all i saw was his back to me..he was walking...i knew it was him
by the way he walked
the way his hair looks...
i ran.
i caught him and he greeted me with a smile. He told me he just saw his dad off at the airport. and that he was going to get some books and go to library to work...I immediatly saw this as a sign that he was busy and that we would not be able to be together...in an effort to keep him by my side as long as i could..i offered a ride and he gladly accepted. as he was getting out of my car he looked at me and smiled..i leaned in to kiss him goodbye...the most unresponsive kiss. i tried for a second...i called it "one for the road" and it was the same. We've yet to talk today, however i left a message on his answering machine around 9...saying that i was kinda worried about him and that i wanted to chance to chit-chat with him for a while...no call back.
i understand its crunch time for college students around the country. why should he be any exception...? there are so many ways of looking at it...but something isnt adding up. something..just doesnt feel right. and he was supposed to come to syracuse this weekend...
will it happen...?
and if it doesn't...why won't it..?
There are so many questions...and I'm not sure if I want the answer to them all.
because one of them..might be the last answer he gives..