There's Just Too Many Flowers To Cut Down..
alone, with my thoughts.
hangin out at occ on the rock just waiting to go take my french exam. *sigh* the days just seem to run into eachother.
nothing special, nothing eventful. just..one long dreary day. the sun rarely comes out...so it almost seems like eternal night.
gawrsh, i sound like such a downer today. Its not so much being lonely. Its not so much not dating anyone. Its more or less the fact that when i actually do try. things always get messed up. Nothing goes as planned...or as I'd like it to.
I keep in touch with Kel, which is the only way i add some sunshine to my days.
Its not so much that I don't have that many friends. because truly thats not really bothering me anymore. I just feel like everyday that passes...is just a waste of time. I feel like I could be doing something so much better. So much more eventful. nothing against OCC. I just feel that...in a year or two when i look back at this time...I think it'll probably look like such a void of space.
I dunno. maybe its the rain. but for some reason..its so easy to see life's faults today. more so than ever I kinda wish I could just hop a train and go anywhere. Nothing against syracuse. but more or less the people in it, and the things that happen here.
but i think if i said this to kel; he'd probably say: "Its not the place that causes problems, its either you or your perspective." I'd nod, and become a bit more enlightened.
I often wonder what people think...what people feel..about certain things, events, emotions. and a lot of the time I'll never find out, either because i'm too timid to ask, or the time never occurs when i actually can. some people are a mystery. Some people are too scared to hurt you when in all actuality the lack of honesty and communication can hurt you the most.
with me; and my emotions, i guess you could say i'm like an open book. that i wear my heart on my sleeve. but..*sigh* I wish it didnt have to be that way. I wish that some way I could just be that one person..the wallflower, just quiet, reserved.
and claire said that i'm slowly becoming that way. but in my eyes i cant help but feel that i am that same loud, "overbearing" person I was in high school. Its not that I want to cut myself off from the whole world, but more or less...just my heart, my emotions. i think life would be so much easier that way.
I have friends...scratch that. I have aquaintances. People that say they'd love to hang out with me and never live up to the promise. I have family. but for the most part, its just more of a hassle than its worth. I guess maybe I did have my mind on straight when I wanted to move out of my house. because then i wouldnt have to be someone i'm not. It seems that the only time I can really be myself now without an interrogation when I'm driving in my car, listening to fleetwood mac. from school. returning home. back to the stage.
I cant understand why I feel this way today. and I cant really say I'm sad, depressed, lonely, or in despair. because to tell you the truth; i'm not.
Nothing against life. but I just don't feel like taking part in such a facade. Its almost like I don't want to talk to anyone. or that I dont want to date. and that I don't want to deal with my family.
and this might sound really cocky, but at least this way I wouldn't be dissapointed. I have such great expectations. Not for everything, not for everyone.
and i can sum it all up in a no doubt lyric "If you interest me, I'm scared."
because its not worth all trouble.
its not worth all the drama.
its not worth all the pain.
yet the dead feel nothing...
but there's just too many flowers to cut down...
hangin out at occ on the rock just waiting to go take my french exam. *sigh* the days just seem to run into eachother.
nothing special, nothing eventful. just..one long dreary day. the sun rarely comes out...so it almost seems like eternal night.
gawrsh, i sound like such a downer today. Its not so much being lonely. Its not so much not dating anyone. Its more or less the fact that when i actually do try. things always get messed up. Nothing goes as planned...or as I'd like it to.
I keep in touch with Kel, which is the only way i add some sunshine to my days.
Its not so much that I don't have that many friends. because truly thats not really bothering me anymore. I just feel like everyday that passes...is just a waste of time. I feel like I could be doing something so much better. So much more eventful. nothing against OCC. I just feel that...in a year or two when i look back at this time...I think it'll probably look like such a void of space.
I dunno. maybe its the rain. but for some reason..its so easy to see life's faults today. more so than ever I kinda wish I could just hop a train and go anywhere. Nothing against syracuse. but more or less the people in it, and the things that happen here.
but i think if i said this to kel; he'd probably say: "Its not the place that causes problems, its either you or your perspective." I'd nod, and become a bit more enlightened.
I often wonder what people think...what people feel..about certain things, events, emotions. and a lot of the time I'll never find out, either because i'm too timid to ask, or the time never occurs when i actually can. some people are a mystery. Some people are too scared to hurt you when in all actuality the lack of honesty and communication can hurt you the most.
with me; and my emotions, i guess you could say i'm like an open book. that i wear my heart on my sleeve. but..*sigh* I wish it didnt have to be that way. I wish that some way I could just be that one person..the wallflower, just quiet, reserved.
and claire said that i'm slowly becoming that way. but in my eyes i cant help but feel that i am that same loud, "overbearing" person I was in high school. Its not that I want to cut myself off from the whole world, but more or less...just my heart, my emotions. i think life would be so much easier that way.
I have friends...scratch that. I have aquaintances. People that say they'd love to hang out with me and never live up to the promise. I have family. but for the most part, its just more of a hassle than its worth. I guess maybe I did have my mind on straight when I wanted to move out of my house. because then i wouldnt have to be someone i'm not. It seems that the only time I can really be myself now without an interrogation when I'm driving in my car, listening to fleetwood mac. from school. returning home. back to the stage.
I cant understand why I feel this way today. and I cant really say I'm sad, depressed, lonely, or in despair. because to tell you the truth; i'm not.
Nothing against life. but I just don't feel like taking part in such a facade. Its almost like I don't want to talk to anyone. or that I dont want to date. and that I don't want to deal with my family.
and this might sound really cocky, but at least this way I wouldn't be dissapointed. I have such great expectations. Not for everything, not for everyone.
and i can sum it all up in a no doubt lyric "If you interest me, I'm scared."
because its not worth all trouble.
its not worth all the drama.
its not worth all the pain.
yet the dead feel nothing...
but there's just too many flowers to cut down...