(no subject)
Just need to write this whole thing out and I figured its okay to let people know what's going on. Part of me doesn't want to share it because it's just really awful. I do want to get it all out so it is not swirling around in my head. I will know its all right here and I can let it rest for awhile...so here goes...
Alright well Phil, as we know, is crazy. Back in October, I had to report him to the police because he was harassing and threatening me really bad over the phone. So they told me that most likely they would not charge him with anything for this first offense. Fast forward to December, I got a personal protection order because of continued crap. I will say that I definitely made mistakes and should have completely cut him off. I have a hard time doing that with people. I wanted so badly to believe that he was going to get better and that I could still help him even though we haven't been together officially in a long time. Well I guess it takes me awhile to really know that its time to just be done. He does NOT make it easy for me to cut him out of my life. I guess that is what abusers are good at doing. I know everyone says that it isn't about how smart you are, but I really did not ever think I'd be in this kind of a situation. I AM SMARTER THAN THAT. Anyway...fast forward to March 26. Phil was outside of my living room window demanding I hang out with him/let him in and threatening me. He was starting to get aggravated because I wouldn't let him in. All the sudden I heard another voice and it ended up being a police officer who just happened to be driving by. He saw someone and thought it was a peeping tom. Phil gets arrested because he has a warrant for the harassment in October. They did press charges apparently. Phil goes to jail that night and his grandma bonds him out the next day. The first thing he does is call me. (Don't forget there's a PPO which means he is not allowed to call/email/text/contact me at all) Then a few days later he drives his parents car drunk and he hits another driver on the road. His parents car is totaled. He gets out of the car and runs away, leaving the car in a busy intersection and leaving the other driver that he hit. Then he hides out at a scary motel with his homeless friend for a few days, while still calling me all the time. So now he has missed his court date for the harassment charge that he just got bonded out of jail for. I report him to the police and tell them how he is contacting me. In the meantime, the police find him and arrest him for the car accident and for failing to appear in court. He goes back to jail on April 8. He is in there until May 16 when he was released after serving his time. He sends me a Facebook message in the morning on the 16th when he got out.
While he was in jail for the 40 days or whatever it was, I recognized how much better I felt not having to worry about hearing from him or not having to worry about falling for his manipulations. He knows what to say to me to get to me. He preys on the fact that I have a HUUUUGE heart. I knew that I would feel tempted to hang out with him when he got out, as it got closer. I tried to prepare myself and be strong but I made a huge mistake and I let him come over and see Connor...and me too I guess. I want so badly for him to get better and be the good person I think he is way deep down. So he said the right things and I was so hesitant but I believed him. I thought it was different because he had so much time to think with no drinking or anything. He had so many reasons and said everything that I always wanted him to say. Which is scary because all this time I've tried to "help" him and get him to understand why he needs help, he probably already knows all that and he's completely manipulating me. He knows he needs to do something but he's not willing to so he will just do anything to keep me strung along. Sickening.
So anyway I hung out with him. It went really really really well despite the horrible sense of disappointment I felt in myself deep down for making that mistake. I was scared because he was really starting to convince me that he had changed in jail. I didn't want to have my hopes built up because it hurts so much worse when they crash down. And I knew anyway that no matter what I didn't want to be with him after everything that's happened. Its not things that I could ever get over and live with. Either way though, it felt really good to hear him say the things he was saying.
So I hung out with him again the next day, May 17. This day was different, I noticed him acting exactly like he did before he was in jail, the things I was so sure he meant were long gone. I was really let down but glad to at least know for sure what to do. I was happy to not be confused...I knew that he was not better. In my head I had that resolution. Unfortunately it was too late for me to actually get away from him safely.
We were talking about his drinking problem, not fighting but discussing it. He kept saying he knew he'd never drink again and it wouldn't be a problem anymore. I told him that worried me because I want him to keep being successul and I was afaid he wasn't be realistic enough about it. I told him that its not something he can necessarily control on his own and I just wanted to make sure he got some tools for when it got hard to make the choice to not drink. I knew not to say anything about really wanting to be done. That is not something I could ever say to him in person. I quickly realize that even our current discussion in which I was expressing my concern, was going absolutely no where and I was just getting upset. I drop it.
At some point Phil snaps and becomes a monster and he attacks me. When I noticed his eyes had changed and saw the expression on his face I immediately knew his was life or death. Phil has definitely been abusive before but (this sounds so stupid) I thought it only happened when he had been drinking. I have always been able to talk him down eventually too. This time was not like that. This time we hadn't been fighting and this time he was not connected with reality. Then he was choking me. I knew I could die in a minute if he didn't stop. My throat was completely closed off so I couldn't scream or breath. I frantically tried to pry his hands off my neck and he finally let go. I was hyperventilating and kind of screaming/crying. I tried to get away but he kept attacking me, the more I screamed or panicked. I tried to run into the bathroom and lock the door but he followed me in there. He kept telling me not to scream or he'd kill me right now. He told me not to call for help or try to get anyone to hear me. I begged him and pleaded with him to please stop. The more I did this the worse he got. I was huddled on the bathroom floor trying to be quiet and praying he would stop. He wouldn't. The longer were were in there, the harder it was not to hyperventilate. I started feeling so claustrophobic and he wouldn't back of me. If I made any kind of screaming or crying noise he choked me. He kept hurting me so it was so hard, sometimes I just couldn't help but scream, even though I was afraid he'd kill me. He kept telling me he was going to. He kept saying he didn't want to go back to jail and that he wasn't going to. We were in the bathroom for quite awhile. I begged him to let us out and I asked him what I had to do for him to let us out. I promised I would be quiet if he would just let me get some air. He told me he wasn't letting me out because he knew I'd do something stupid to get him sent back to jail. I told him I wouldn't do that and I just needed to breathe. He said he didn't trust me because he thought I'd try to do something stupid like run outside. I told him I wasn't going to and begged and pleaded. He finally started to think about letting us out of the bathroom. He warned me to not scream and not to go by the windows. He told me not to do anything stupid. He finally let us out. At that point I knew I had to start figuring something out. He wouldn't even let me have 1 foot of space but I kept trying to just get good opportunity to locate my keys and phone. I found them and just made a mental note and didn't grab them. I waited for a chance and I was able to hide my cell phone in my pants. I waited for the next opportunity and I hid my phone in the bathroom. It was scary because I was afraid he'd notice and then kill me. Connor was there sleeping, thankfully Mikey was not there. I knew I couldn't leave Connor in the apartment with him but I had no clue how i'd get him and myself past Phil. I also didn't want to go and get Connor because I didn't want him to get hurt.
We are in the hallway by the bedrooms and bathroom in my apartment. Phil is yelling at me and I am crying and at his feet. Connor wakes up and is crying. I try to get up but Phil won't let me go in there alone to comfort him. Things get fuzzy now but I remember being pulled out of Connor's room by my hair and ending up back on the ground in the hallway. I must have tried to get Connor or something. Connor is now crying for mommy because he saw Phil grab me out of the room. He tells me that Connor is going to see his mom get killed tonight. I am on the ground and I am begging him to let me get my baby, to please not kill me, to please stop. My head was down and then all the sudden, for a moment, everything went black. It took a second to realize that he had just punched me in the head. I was dizzy for a second and this is when I remember thinking for a minute that I was not going to be able to get out of this alive. I decided that I needed to at least keep trying even if I had to take a risk because if I didn't at least try, I was going to die no matter what.
So at some point he lets me get Connor and he agrees to let me go in there by myself to get him. I was sort of glancing around for my keys while I was holding Connor but I didn't see them. Phil goes into the kitchen and gets a LARGE knife out of a drawer. He tells me he's getting a knife because he can tell I'm thinking about doing something stupid, like trying to leave or get help. He is now standing in front of the door to leave the apartment and has this huge knife held up. He tells me to get Connor a bottle (the fridge is pretty close to the door, the kitchen is when you first walk into my apt).He told me he was going to kill me with it and he can't wait to do it, it would feel great. I told him I couldn't walk over there with Connor if he's going to stand there like that with a knife. I couldn't. I somehow, get him to agree to let me to go to the bathroom. I told him I wouldn't be able to go if he was in there and I had to go really really bad. (He can't go if anyone is around so I think thats why he let me) I said I had to take Connor with me though because he'd cry if I went into the bathroom. I had hidden my phone in there! I went in there with Connor and locked the door. I was still really scared that he'd break it down and I was scared Connor would get hurt. Phil stood outside the door and was tapping the knife on the door periodically. I was scared but I had to call 911 and when they answered I hung up after a few seconds thinking they would trace the call and come here. Phil started asking me what I was doing and what was taking so long. He started saying he heard my phone and that I better not be doing anything dumb. The 911 people just kept calling me back over and over and I had to finally answer it. I whispered to them with just my breath that I need help and they kept asking me questions but Phil was like 2 ft away. I whispered my address and had to hang up bc Phil was getting mad and figuring out something was up. I did not respond to anything he was saying because I didn't want anything to set him off enough to break down the bathroom door. After what seemed like an eternity, Phil yells THE COPS ARE HERE, I SEE LIGHTS. And he's pissed. I told him that they couldn't be here for us and that I don't even have my phone or know where it is. He had previously turned off all the lights and closed the windows in my apartment also. I was afraid because I knew this was when he might kill me. Before I got in the bathroom he had said he was going to kill himself, I forgot to mention that. So everything was completely silent then. The police were banging on the door, ringing the buzzer loudly, pounding on the windows forever. Then they stopped and it was really silent. I wasn't sure what Phil was doing. I knew he hadn't left but I heard nothing. I wondered if he had killed himself. Then I was afraid the cops were going to leave so I texted my mom asking her to cal 911. She did and she told them I was locked in the bathroom. They told her they were outside my apartment trying to figure out how to get in. My mom was pissed and said SHES LOCKED IN THE BATHROOM GET IN THERE!!!!!!!!!!! So after what seemed like forever, I hear knocking on the door and then I hear a police officer calling my name. I cautiously stick my head out of the bathroom door and I see the police and they tell me its okay and I can come out...
I will have to update about the preliminary hearing that I had to testify at a couple days ago but I can't type anymore right now!
I do need to add though that he is in jail and facing VERY serious charges: unlawful imprisonment, assault w/intent, and a weapons charge. Those are all felonies. He also has a probation violation, PPO violation, and just got contempt of court at the preliminary hearing for disrespecting the judge/courtroom. He rejected the plea bargain against his lawyers advice. They were going to drop the unlawful imprisonment (up to 15 yrs in prison) if he took the lesser 2 felonies (one is up to 5 yrs the other is up to 10).
Alright well Phil, as we know, is crazy. Back in October, I had to report him to the police because he was harassing and threatening me really bad over the phone. So they told me that most likely they would not charge him with anything for this first offense. Fast forward to December, I got a personal protection order because of continued crap. I will say that I definitely made mistakes and should have completely cut him off. I have a hard time doing that with people. I wanted so badly to believe that he was going to get better and that I could still help him even though we haven't been together officially in a long time. Well I guess it takes me awhile to really know that its time to just be done. He does NOT make it easy for me to cut him out of my life. I guess that is what abusers are good at doing. I know everyone says that it isn't about how smart you are, but I really did not ever think I'd be in this kind of a situation. I AM SMARTER THAN THAT. Anyway...fast forward to March 26. Phil was outside of my living room window demanding I hang out with him/let him in and threatening me. He was starting to get aggravated because I wouldn't let him in. All the sudden I heard another voice and it ended up being a police officer who just happened to be driving by. He saw someone and thought it was a peeping tom. Phil gets arrested because he has a warrant for the harassment in October. They did press charges apparently. Phil goes to jail that night and his grandma bonds him out the next day. The first thing he does is call me. (Don't forget there's a PPO which means he is not allowed to call/email/text/contact me at all) Then a few days later he drives his parents car drunk and he hits another driver on the road. His parents car is totaled. He gets out of the car and runs away, leaving the car in a busy intersection and leaving the other driver that he hit. Then he hides out at a scary motel with his homeless friend for a few days, while still calling me all the time. So now he has missed his court date for the harassment charge that he just got bonded out of jail for. I report him to the police and tell them how he is contacting me. In the meantime, the police find him and arrest him for the car accident and for failing to appear in court. He goes back to jail on April 8. He is in there until May 16 when he was released after serving his time. He sends me a Facebook message in the morning on the 16th when he got out.
While he was in jail for the 40 days or whatever it was, I recognized how much better I felt not having to worry about hearing from him or not having to worry about falling for his manipulations. He knows what to say to me to get to me. He preys on the fact that I have a HUUUUGE heart. I knew that I would feel tempted to hang out with him when he got out, as it got closer. I tried to prepare myself and be strong but I made a huge mistake and I let him come over and see Connor...and me too I guess. I want so badly for him to get better and be the good person I think he is way deep down. So he said the right things and I was so hesitant but I believed him. I thought it was different because he had so much time to think with no drinking or anything. He had so many reasons and said everything that I always wanted him to say. Which is scary because all this time I've tried to "help" him and get him to understand why he needs help, he probably already knows all that and he's completely manipulating me. He knows he needs to do something but he's not willing to so he will just do anything to keep me strung along. Sickening.
So anyway I hung out with him. It went really really really well despite the horrible sense of disappointment I felt in myself deep down for making that mistake. I was scared because he was really starting to convince me that he had changed in jail. I didn't want to have my hopes built up because it hurts so much worse when they crash down. And I knew anyway that no matter what I didn't want to be with him after everything that's happened. Its not things that I could ever get over and live with. Either way though, it felt really good to hear him say the things he was saying.
So I hung out with him again the next day, May 17. This day was different, I noticed him acting exactly like he did before he was in jail, the things I was so sure he meant were long gone. I was really let down but glad to at least know for sure what to do. I was happy to not be confused...I knew that he was not better. In my head I had that resolution. Unfortunately it was too late for me to actually get away from him safely.
We were talking about his drinking problem, not fighting but discussing it. He kept saying he knew he'd never drink again and it wouldn't be a problem anymore. I told him that worried me because I want him to keep being successul and I was afaid he wasn't be realistic enough about it. I told him that its not something he can necessarily control on his own and I just wanted to make sure he got some tools for when it got hard to make the choice to not drink. I knew not to say anything about really wanting to be done. That is not something I could ever say to him in person. I quickly realize that even our current discussion in which I was expressing my concern, was going absolutely no where and I was just getting upset. I drop it.
At some point Phil snaps and becomes a monster and he attacks me. When I noticed his eyes had changed and saw the expression on his face I immediately knew his was life or death. Phil has definitely been abusive before but (this sounds so stupid) I thought it only happened when he had been drinking. I have always been able to talk him down eventually too. This time was not like that. This time we hadn't been fighting and this time he was not connected with reality. Then he was choking me. I knew I could die in a minute if he didn't stop. My throat was completely closed off so I couldn't scream or breath. I frantically tried to pry his hands off my neck and he finally let go. I was hyperventilating and kind of screaming/crying. I tried to get away but he kept attacking me, the more I screamed or panicked. I tried to run into the bathroom and lock the door but he followed me in there. He kept telling me not to scream or he'd kill me right now. He told me not to call for help or try to get anyone to hear me. I begged him and pleaded with him to please stop. The more I did this the worse he got. I was huddled on the bathroom floor trying to be quiet and praying he would stop. He wouldn't. The longer were were in there, the harder it was not to hyperventilate. I started feeling so claustrophobic and he wouldn't back of me. If I made any kind of screaming or crying noise he choked me. He kept hurting me so it was so hard, sometimes I just couldn't help but scream, even though I was afraid he'd kill me. He kept telling me he was going to. He kept saying he didn't want to go back to jail and that he wasn't going to. We were in the bathroom for quite awhile. I begged him to let us out and I asked him what I had to do for him to let us out. I promised I would be quiet if he would just let me get some air. He told me he wasn't letting me out because he knew I'd do something stupid to get him sent back to jail. I told him I wouldn't do that and I just needed to breathe. He said he didn't trust me because he thought I'd try to do something stupid like run outside. I told him I wasn't going to and begged and pleaded. He finally started to think about letting us out of the bathroom. He warned me to not scream and not to go by the windows. He told me not to do anything stupid. He finally let us out. At that point I knew I had to start figuring something out. He wouldn't even let me have 1 foot of space but I kept trying to just get good opportunity to locate my keys and phone. I found them and just made a mental note and didn't grab them. I waited for a chance and I was able to hide my cell phone in my pants. I waited for the next opportunity and I hid my phone in the bathroom. It was scary because I was afraid he'd notice and then kill me. Connor was there sleeping, thankfully Mikey was not there. I knew I couldn't leave Connor in the apartment with him but I had no clue how i'd get him and myself past Phil. I also didn't want to go and get Connor because I didn't want him to get hurt.
We are in the hallway by the bedrooms and bathroom in my apartment. Phil is yelling at me and I am crying and at his feet. Connor wakes up and is crying. I try to get up but Phil won't let me go in there alone to comfort him. Things get fuzzy now but I remember being pulled out of Connor's room by my hair and ending up back on the ground in the hallway. I must have tried to get Connor or something. Connor is now crying for mommy because he saw Phil grab me out of the room. He tells me that Connor is going to see his mom get killed tonight. I am on the ground and I am begging him to let me get my baby, to please not kill me, to please stop. My head was down and then all the sudden, for a moment, everything went black. It took a second to realize that he had just punched me in the head. I was dizzy for a second and this is when I remember thinking for a minute that I was not going to be able to get out of this alive. I decided that I needed to at least keep trying even if I had to take a risk because if I didn't at least try, I was going to die no matter what.
So at some point he lets me get Connor and he agrees to let me go in there by myself to get him. I was sort of glancing around for my keys while I was holding Connor but I didn't see them. Phil goes into the kitchen and gets a LARGE knife out of a drawer. He tells me he's getting a knife because he can tell I'm thinking about doing something stupid, like trying to leave or get help. He is now standing in front of the door to leave the apartment and has this huge knife held up. He tells me to get Connor a bottle (the fridge is pretty close to the door, the kitchen is when you first walk into my apt).He told me he was going to kill me with it and he can't wait to do it, it would feel great. I told him I couldn't walk over there with Connor if he's going to stand there like that with a knife. I couldn't. I somehow, get him to agree to let me to go to the bathroom. I told him I wouldn't be able to go if he was in there and I had to go really really bad. (He can't go if anyone is around so I think thats why he let me) I said I had to take Connor with me though because he'd cry if I went into the bathroom. I had hidden my phone in there! I went in there with Connor and locked the door. I was still really scared that he'd break it down and I was scared Connor would get hurt. Phil stood outside the door and was tapping the knife on the door periodically. I was scared but I had to call 911 and when they answered I hung up after a few seconds thinking they would trace the call and come here. Phil started asking me what I was doing and what was taking so long. He started saying he heard my phone and that I better not be doing anything dumb. The 911 people just kept calling me back over and over and I had to finally answer it. I whispered to them with just my breath that I need help and they kept asking me questions but Phil was like 2 ft away. I whispered my address and had to hang up bc Phil was getting mad and figuring out something was up. I did not respond to anything he was saying because I didn't want anything to set him off enough to break down the bathroom door. After what seemed like an eternity, Phil yells THE COPS ARE HERE, I SEE LIGHTS. And he's pissed. I told him that they couldn't be here for us and that I don't even have my phone or know where it is. He had previously turned off all the lights and closed the windows in my apartment also. I was afraid because I knew this was when he might kill me. Before I got in the bathroom he had said he was going to kill himself, I forgot to mention that. So everything was completely silent then. The police were banging on the door, ringing the buzzer loudly, pounding on the windows forever. Then they stopped and it was really silent. I wasn't sure what Phil was doing. I knew he hadn't left but I heard nothing. I wondered if he had killed himself. Then I was afraid the cops were going to leave so I texted my mom asking her to cal 911. She did and she told them I was locked in the bathroom. They told her they were outside my apartment trying to figure out how to get in. My mom was pissed and said SHES LOCKED IN THE BATHROOM GET IN THERE!!!!!!!!!!! So after what seemed like forever, I hear knocking on the door and then I hear a police officer calling my name. I cautiously stick my head out of the bathroom door and I see the police and they tell me its okay and I can come out...
I will have to update about the preliminary hearing that I had to testify at a couple days ago but I can't type anymore right now!
I do need to add though that he is in jail and facing VERY serious charges: unlawful imprisonment, assault w/intent, and a weapons charge. Those are all felonies. He also has a probation violation, PPO violation, and just got contempt of court at the preliminary hearing for disrespecting the judge/courtroom. He rejected the plea bargain against his lawyers advice. They were going to drop the unlawful imprisonment (up to 15 yrs in prison) if he took the lesser 2 felonies (one is up to 5 yrs the other is up to 10).