Like OMG
I quit my job on Thursday. While sympathy is appreciated it's uncalled for. They were going to fire me on Friday.
I know I should have probably let them. Maybe then I'd be eligible for unemployment, but to be honest I didn't think I could handle that. I would cry and then I would feel even more stupid, not to mention that I wouldn't be able to pack up my own things and everyone would stare as I was escorted out of the building by security. Oh the scandal. They'd talk about it for about four hours and then I'd be forgotten by Monday. At least that way I know there were some people who still had no idea where I was today. And as incredibly retarded as that sounds, it gives me some satisfaction.
I was bad at my job. I've been trying to get better and it just didn't happen. Something had to give. I don't blame them. I blame me, which is really hard. Because even though I know that some people aren't cut out for certain jobs I still can't help but feel like a huge failure. My confidence is completely shot. Which means that I'm prone to doing very stupid things. It's a dangerous time, my friends.
See when I'm low on confidence I tend to do these huge and empty gestures thinking that they'll somehow force me into action. Like, trying to move to Dallas. I guess I figure if I move and I'm faced with actual survival instead of occupying a room at hotel Mom and Dad's that somehow I can build up some kind of life for myself. I've been thinking about when I lived alone in Oklahoma and am probably glamorizing things alot. Because I remember the sinking feeling in my stomach when I didn't know if I'd have enough rent money, or the growling when I had to eat tuna for a week until payday, but I still can't think of how nice it was to have a home. Somewhere that was all mine, where I could entertain friends and eat whatever I liked and just be alone if I needed to be alone. It was hard, but at least I felt honest.
Now I just feel so dirty. Like it's just building up and building up and I didn't know how to start over or pick up the pieces. I want a job that I can feel that I'm good at. I want to have friends that I can just call up and hang out with. I want to just get out of this huge hole I've dug for myself and move on. Well, I alternate between that and wanting to kick my ass for all the mistakes that I've made. I've gotten so lazy and flimsy. I don't feel like me at all.
I don't know if my wanting to move is just wanting to run away or if it's a valid point that I can't really live my life unless I throw myself into an environment where I'll actually have to get out and live.
I need to build up my confidence somehow. Or at least acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes and even though I think mine are worse and more frequent that others that's probably not true. They just have the sense not to beat themselves up about it as much.
Sorry, I haven't been around lately. Things have been....bad. I'm sure I'll be back to my normal self soon. I miss talking to all of you, but I probably won't be on for a little while until I'm a little more sane. So I guess I'm saying I'm extending my scarceness for a little bit, but I'll be back and keep you updated. Because, only God knows why, some of you actually care.
I know I should have probably let them. Maybe then I'd be eligible for unemployment, but to be honest I didn't think I could handle that. I would cry and then I would feel even more stupid, not to mention that I wouldn't be able to pack up my own things and everyone would stare as I was escorted out of the building by security. Oh the scandal. They'd talk about it for about four hours and then I'd be forgotten by Monday. At least that way I know there were some people who still had no idea where I was today. And as incredibly retarded as that sounds, it gives me some satisfaction.
I was bad at my job. I've been trying to get better and it just didn't happen. Something had to give. I don't blame them. I blame me, which is really hard. Because even though I know that some people aren't cut out for certain jobs I still can't help but feel like a huge failure. My confidence is completely shot. Which means that I'm prone to doing very stupid things. It's a dangerous time, my friends.
See when I'm low on confidence I tend to do these huge and empty gestures thinking that they'll somehow force me into action. Like, trying to move to Dallas. I guess I figure if I move and I'm faced with actual survival instead of occupying a room at hotel Mom and Dad's that somehow I can build up some kind of life for myself. I've been thinking about when I lived alone in Oklahoma and am probably glamorizing things alot. Because I remember the sinking feeling in my stomach when I didn't know if I'd have enough rent money, or the growling when I had to eat tuna for a week until payday, but I still can't think of how nice it was to have a home. Somewhere that was all mine, where I could entertain friends and eat whatever I liked and just be alone if I needed to be alone. It was hard, but at least I felt honest.
Now I just feel so dirty. Like it's just building up and building up and I didn't know how to start over or pick up the pieces. I want a job that I can feel that I'm good at. I want to have friends that I can just call up and hang out with. I want to just get out of this huge hole I've dug for myself and move on. Well, I alternate between that and wanting to kick my ass for all the mistakes that I've made. I've gotten so lazy and flimsy. I don't feel like me at all.
I don't know if my wanting to move is just wanting to run away or if it's a valid point that I can't really live my life unless I throw myself into an environment where I'll actually have to get out and live.
I need to build up my confidence somehow. Or at least acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes and even though I think mine are worse and more frequent that others that's probably not true. They just have the sense not to beat themselves up about it as much.
Sorry, I haven't been around lately. Things have been....bad. I'm sure I'll be back to my normal self soon. I miss talking to all of you, but I probably won't be on for a little while until I'm a little more sane. So I guess I'm saying I'm extending my scarceness for a little bit, but I'll be back and keep you updated. Because, only God knows why, some of you actually care.