Putting things away
It's been just under two weeks since my dad died. People keep asking me how I am. I'm thankful for their support, and never quite sure what to say. For the most part I really am fine.
I spent the first week or so in kind of a busy haze of getting stuff done. I had to put together a memorial pamphlet for the service, help with the memorial [very small, held in my parent's living room with immediate family], and write the obituary for the paper.
After all of the to-do's were done I had some space to just catch up. I hadn't been paying much attention to work for a while- I was there physically but not mentally. Thank goodness my boss has been nothing but considerate, generous and kind- so I didn't have to even worry about work while all of this was going on.
For some reason I have had a hard time catching up with people who have reached out to me. I'll admit I even have a few sympathy cards I can't quite yet manage to open. It's partly because I can only deal with it in dribs and drabs. It took me days to read all of my emails. And while I feel very loved, I just need space to do this my way- and fortunately I can.
I say that I'm fine, but I'm also very sad. It's normal. It'll hit me at random times. It's hard to look at his pictures at times, or to remember I'll never see him again. This is ok, though. For whatever reason knowing he was dying ahead of time was worse. Knowing that each time I saw him could be my last. Knowing I had to say whatever there was to be said right then, or never. I was all up in it for the last couple of weeks, going over to see him every day and spending the night at the end.
Being so close to the dying process was really hard. Mostly because I didn't want to see my dad suffer. He wasn't feeling good, and for someone who was a lifelong athlete his body was just failing him more and more- he had no use for it. So when it came down to it I had no choice but to accept that this was ok- not that my opinion on the matter would change anything.
And then he was dead. My mom and brother and I sat with him late into the night waiting for the nurse and internment folks. We talked about his life and our feelings. It was a really really good thing for us to be together. I got a chance to kiss him goodbye one last time.
The memorial was also really really good. It was both longer and better than I had hoped for. I loved hearing what each person shared about my dad. It revealed to me some deeper sides of his role in our family. I heard lots of stories about his life, many of which I didn't know.
My cousin read some Jewish prayers and talked about how death is seen by the Jews. Al read and talked to us from a Buddhist perspective, and as the son-in-law. He wrote a really nice post about it here: http://www.openbuddha.com/2012/04/24/In-Memory-of-Leon-Erlin/
So yeah, I'm putting myself back together bit by bit. I've been spending a TON of time out in the sunshine. My dad loved hiking, and I suspect I'll think of him whenever I go. Out in the hills, or just gardening, it's really good for me. I've given myself space to not do any homework, to go anywhere I feel like going or to just kick back and read a novel or take a nap if I feel like it. That has felt like the best thing for me.
There's no quick or easy way out of this. It's a transformation. I'm putting myself back together and I'm supporting my mom as much as possible. Thanks for all of your love- it helps.
I spent the first week or so in kind of a busy haze of getting stuff done. I had to put together a memorial pamphlet for the service, help with the memorial [very small, held in my parent's living room with immediate family], and write the obituary for the paper.
After all of the to-do's were done I had some space to just catch up. I hadn't been paying much attention to work for a while- I was there physically but not mentally. Thank goodness my boss has been nothing but considerate, generous and kind- so I didn't have to even worry about work while all of this was going on.
For some reason I have had a hard time catching up with people who have reached out to me. I'll admit I even have a few sympathy cards I can't quite yet manage to open. It's partly because I can only deal with it in dribs and drabs. It took me days to read all of my emails. And while I feel very loved, I just need space to do this my way- and fortunately I can.
I say that I'm fine, but I'm also very sad. It's normal. It'll hit me at random times. It's hard to look at his pictures at times, or to remember I'll never see him again. This is ok, though. For whatever reason knowing he was dying ahead of time was worse. Knowing that each time I saw him could be my last. Knowing I had to say whatever there was to be said right then, or never. I was all up in it for the last couple of weeks, going over to see him every day and spending the night at the end.
Being so close to the dying process was really hard. Mostly because I didn't want to see my dad suffer. He wasn't feeling good, and for someone who was a lifelong athlete his body was just failing him more and more- he had no use for it. So when it came down to it I had no choice but to accept that this was ok- not that my opinion on the matter would change anything.
And then he was dead. My mom and brother and I sat with him late into the night waiting for the nurse and internment folks. We talked about his life and our feelings. It was a really really good thing for us to be together. I got a chance to kiss him goodbye one last time.
The memorial was also really really good. It was both longer and better than I had hoped for. I loved hearing what each person shared about my dad. It revealed to me some deeper sides of his role in our family. I heard lots of stories about his life, many of which I didn't know.
My cousin read some Jewish prayers and talked about how death is seen by the Jews. Al read and talked to us from a Buddhist perspective, and as the son-in-law. He wrote a really nice post about it here: http://www.openbuddha.com/2012/04/24/In-Memory-of-Leon-Erlin/
So yeah, I'm putting myself back together bit by bit. I've been spending a TON of time out in the sunshine. My dad loved hiking, and I suspect I'll think of him whenever I go. Out in the hills, or just gardening, it's really good for me. I've given myself space to not do any homework, to go anywhere I feel like going or to just kick back and read a novel or take a nap if I feel like it. That has felt like the best thing for me.
There's no quick or easy way out of this. It's a transformation. I'm putting myself back together and I'm supporting my mom as much as possible. Thanks for all of your love- it helps.