Sanity..... You don't notice it until its missing
The mind has a way of continually playing tricks on you. It just seem s to me for every illusion the world has made for me, that I have fought to see past, the mind has developed at least two to three so as to hold my psyche together. I hate it. .It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel as though I am not competent to apply the mass of stored information and experience that my brain holds. I feel betrayed and hopeless. My mind, my one and only real strength, is weak..... It has failed me.
I suffer from depression. It’s nothing new or needing of any sympathy, however, I do not like accepting that prayer, companionship, work or perseverance are not enough to beat it. This mental zit has found away to mess with everything I do. All my resent efforts to improve on my personal situation(s) and myself are being railroaded by my inability to control my stress, anxiety and though processes. I am only now beginning to grasp the state of powerlessness I’m in. And it’s making me confused and angry.
I got a call from my brother and found myself contradicting myself throughout the conversation. I felt so confused. Issues of my relations to my father, mother, little sister and himself were brought up and all I could do was become agitated or apologetic, knowing though that I would take no action because I was to bogged down in issues concerning my home and the relationships close to me here in Vancouver. My mate feels that I am distant. My “friends” consciously or unconsciously are taking advantage of my indecisive state of being. Or at least that is how I feel. Maybe I becoming paranoid?
I don’t understand why. Why? Why?! WHY?! Why must this shit be happening to me? Why now? Why every Holiday season? Is it PTSD? Did something horrible happen to me as a toddler? I have no clue? But I know that despite having my lover, allies and pets about me, I feel alone and isolated. Sad isn’t it. Fuck, I hate weakness. I even thought my partner was leaving me this past week. I’m bloody well becoming delusional to boot. I came up with all sorts of reasons for her to do so, as well as my reasons to beat her to the punch and gun her before she did it to me. Now that’s fucked up reasoning my readers. Fucked up.
So I pray and yet no answer comes. I try to hope yet I’m hopeless. Nothing enlightens my spirit or entertains me. My work is falling apart. I have very little Christmas cheer. Which by the way makes me feel like a heel. I have very little patience or empathy left for my other wise selfish, manipulative, two faced and exploitative “friends”. I really feel as though they are just using me. And I do not know if my feelings are true of if they are just the issues of depression/delusion fucking with my mind. I feel persecuted by my family and forsaken by God (I know this to be untrue, but it’s how I feel). I don’t sleep well and my health is shitty. I feel though that again the mind is just fucking with me here, again. I don’t wish to be a hypochondriac, so I ignore the symptoms. All this assorted crap is not for me to grasp I suppose. I really don’t know. I feel like an object not a man.
I leave this rant with the lyrics to Ministry’s “Scarecrow” from the Psalm 69 LP (Sire/Warner Bros. 1992). It is to my understanding a narrative on Depression. What it is like to live…… Without Hope.
**************************************************
Staring in the face of condemnation
Laughter fills the sky instead of rain
Live my life alone in resignation
Arms outstretched for those who cannot see
Scarecrow
Crucified and left in isolation
Pictures of our lost morality
Scarecrow
Eyeless stares invite this whole damnation
Rotting corpse of inhumanity
Scarecrow
**************************************************
I pray for sanity and peace within my mind.
I pray for the suffering to always feel the peace that hope brings.
I pray for the Scarecrows.
I Remain,
Samaelhain.
I suffer from depression. It’s nothing new or needing of any sympathy, however, I do not like accepting that prayer, companionship, work or perseverance are not enough to beat it. This mental zit has found away to mess with everything I do. All my resent efforts to improve on my personal situation(s) and myself are being railroaded by my inability to control my stress, anxiety and though processes. I am only now beginning to grasp the state of powerlessness I’m in. And it’s making me confused and angry.
I got a call from my brother and found myself contradicting myself throughout the conversation. I felt so confused. Issues of my relations to my father, mother, little sister and himself were brought up and all I could do was become agitated or apologetic, knowing though that I would take no action because I was to bogged down in issues concerning my home and the relationships close to me here in Vancouver. My mate feels that I am distant. My “friends” consciously or unconsciously are taking advantage of my indecisive state of being. Or at least that is how I feel. Maybe I becoming paranoid?
I don’t understand why. Why? Why?! WHY?! Why must this shit be happening to me? Why now? Why every Holiday season? Is it PTSD? Did something horrible happen to me as a toddler? I have no clue? But I know that despite having my lover, allies and pets about me, I feel alone and isolated. Sad isn’t it. Fuck, I hate weakness. I even thought my partner was leaving me this past week. I’m bloody well becoming delusional to boot. I came up with all sorts of reasons for her to do so, as well as my reasons to beat her to the punch and gun her before she did it to me. Now that’s fucked up reasoning my readers. Fucked up.
So I pray and yet no answer comes. I try to hope yet I’m hopeless. Nothing enlightens my spirit or entertains me. My work is falling apart. I have very little Christmas cheer. Which by the way makes me feel like a heel. I have very little patience or empathy left for my other wise selfish, manipulative, two faced and exploitative “friends”. I really feel as though they are just using me. And I do not know if my feelings are true of if they are just the issues of depression/delusion fucking with my mind. I feel persecuted by my family and forsaken by God (I know this to be untrue, but it’s how I feel). I don’t sleep well and my health is shitty. I feel though that again the mind is just fucking with me here, again. I don’t wish to be a hypochondriac, so I ignore the symptoms. All this assorted crap is not for me to grasp I suppose. I really don’t know. I feel like an object not a man.
I leave this rant with the lyrics to Ministry’s “Scarecrow” from the Psalm 69 LP (Sire/Warner Bros. 1992). It is to my understanding a narrative on Depression. What it is like to live…… Without Hope.
**************************************************
Staring in the face of condemnation
Laughter fills the sky instead of rain
Live my life alone in resignation
Arms outstretched for those who cannot see
Scarecrow
Crucified and left in isolation
Pictures of our lost morality
Scarecrow
Eyeless stares invite this whole damnation
Rotting corpse of inhumanity
Scarecrow
**************************************************
I pray for sanity and peace within my mind.
I pray for the suffering to always feel the peace that hope brings.
I pray for the Scarecrows.
I Remain,
Samaelhain.