When the Dark Angel Beckons.........
Okay here’s a little insight into the part of me that people some times only see glimpses of……….
There are two opposing forces in my psyche that war for control and domination of my will and heart. One is the benevolent lover of all humanity and the one who laments for the suffering and injustice in the world. The other is the malevolent machine of rage that perverts all my good intentions into control and hatred. I am here to speak on that dark side.
I have and have always had a problem with anger. It stems from things so traumatic from my youth that my mind has actually created barriers to shelter my sanity. I am sure that if I where to see those events, i.e.; remember them that I would crack and all my old angers based on powerlessness would become all consuming. I however don’t concern myself with it too often, as I believe that when I have the faculties to deal with the old trauma I will be able to see it for what it is. There is however the unknown emotional triggers that all people set off and when they do….. I hear the voice that tells me to destroy them. I react violently. And I relish their pain and suffering. I feel vindicated to see them powerless and laid low before me. And I know too that it is the “Dark Angel”'s influence that convinces me to go forward and traumatize my victims as I have be traumatized.
You see, I like to hurt people who I see as evil, exploitive or bullies. And as such the Dragon Slayer becomes the Dragon. I will torment, harass, abuse and detract my “enemies” until I find another cause to justify my aggressive and abusive nature. I will ensure them long suffering, because I enjoy witnessing them suffering as I did those so many years ago. The hypocrisy of my actions is so obvious that many fear to acknowledge them, for fear of becoming the next “Dragon”.
I have such a burning hatred for the world of Man that I at times become consumed in ritualistic abuse. I become angry, many times for reasons I still cannot perceive, then, I seek out others who are wrong doers that I may vindicate the right. I allow my self the illusion of righteousness and remove any sense of conscience when I finally strike. Why, so that I may do so without guilt and so that I may face any other accusers or critics with the same inflated sense of indignation that I presented my enemy with. That way I can test the convictions of my accusers and critics on the same bloody altar of violence and hate. They rarely hold their convictions as vehemently as I do. This pleases the Dark Angel. For when fear can conquer goodness, he takes even greater control of my psyche.
Now understand that I do not and have not acted out like this for almost ten years. What I’m confessing here is that I still think like that at times. I still wish to see the wrong doers, power hoarders, the corrupt and the weak smashed to paste. And at times I take my anger a little to far. I scream, rant, and threaten. But this is small potatoes as compared to the volumes of abuses that people are subjected to in my head. The Dark Angel is always beckoning me to release my wrath, his works onto the world. It is love that keeps him/me in check. But I fear the day that I no longer feel the need for love. For then on that day the Hymn of the Dark Angel is all I’ll be able to hear.
Wrath is its sword. Hate is its banner. Fear and terror are its armour and shield.
And rage is the Dark Angel’s prayer.
When, if ever, you see these things, you are not looking at the Guardian of Heaven.
You, dear reader, are looking at the Disciple of the Abyss.
Fear him as much as I do and Pray for me. I beseech thee…….
For if The Dark Angel is ever freed form its mental prison.
I lose.
I pray to uphold the right and to be deaf to my rage.
Samaelhain
There are two opposing forces in my psyche that war for control and domination of my will and heart. One is the benevolent lover of all humanity and the one who laments for the suffering and injustice in the world. The other is the malevolent machine of rage that perverts all my good intentions into control and hatred. I am here to speak on that dark side.
I have and have always had a problem with anger. It stems from things so traumatic from my youth that my mind has actually created barriers to shelter my sanity. I am sure that if I where to see those events, i.e.; remember them that I would crack and all my old angers based on powerlessness would become all consuming. I however don’t concern myself with it too often, as I believe that when I have the faculties to deal with the old trauma I will be able to see it for what it is. There is however the unknown emotional triggers that all people set off and when they do….. I hear the voice that tells me to destroy them. I react violently. And I relish their pain and suffering. I feel vindicated to see them powerless and laid low before me. And I know too that it is the “Dark Angel”'s influence that convinces me to go forward and traumatize my victims as I have be traumatized.
You see, I like to hurt people who I see as evil, exploitive or bullies. And as such the Dragon Slayer becomes the Dragon. I will torment, harass, abuse and detract my “enemies” until I find another cause to justify my aggressive and abusive nature. I will ensure them long suffering, because I enjoy witnessing them suffering as I did those so many years ago. The hypocrisy of my actions is so obvious that many fear to acknowledge them, for fear of becoming the next “Dragon”.
I have such a burning hatred for the world of Man that I at times become consumed in ritualistic abuse. I become angry, many times for reasons I still cannot perceive, then, I seek out others who are wrong doers that I may vindicate the right. I allow my self the illusion of righteousness and remove any sense of conscience when I finally strike. Why, so that I may do so without guilt and so that I may face any other accusers or critics with the same inflated sense of indignation that I presented my enemy with. That way I can test the convictions of my accusers and critics on the same bloody altar of violence and hate. They rarely hold their convictions as vehemently as I do. This pleases the Dark Angel. For when fear can conquer goodness, he takes even greater control of my psyche.
Now understand that I do not and have not acted out like this for almost ten years. What I’m confessing here is that I still think like that at times. I still wish to see the wrong doers, power hoarders, the corrupt and the weak smashed to paste. And at times I take my anger a little to far. I scream, rant, and threaten. But this is small potatoes as compared to the volumes of abuses that people are subjected to in my head. The Dark Angel is always beckoning me to release my wrath, his works onto the world. It is love that keeps him/me in check. But I fear the day that I no longer feel the need for love. For then on that day the Hymn of the Dark Angel is all I’ll be able to hear.
Wrath is its sword. Hate is its banner. Fear and terror are its armour and shield.
And rage is the Dark Angel’s prayer.
When, if ever, you see these things, you are not looking at the Guardian of Heaven.
You, dear reader, are looking at the Disciple of the Abyss.
Fear him as much as I do and Pray for me. I beseech thee…….
For if The Dark Angel is ever freed form its mental prison.
I lose.
I pray to uphold the right and to be deaf to my rage.
Samaelhain