i cannot believe it...
So we're finally there. To that part of the adventure where I actually have to leave and go back to reality and responsibility. Booooo! No, I'm actually starting to have a really hard time with this. These past few months, not be cliche, have changed my life. Of course they have. I left the states, left my home, and I did it. I made it somewhere else. I wasn't sure I could, didn't think I was going to for a while there, but I made it, and I'm not gonna lie. It was well worth it. That's a HUGE understatement. I will never be able to describe in words how much this whole thing has meant to me, and I know that no one is ever going to understand/want to, it would be a whole lot of me babbling on and on and boring everyone about "this one time..." But I know I will not be the same. I'm technically the same person, but... there are some distinct differences now. Maybe no one will be able to tell. Maybe no one will know, other than chopping off my hair and gaining that weird tumor (ha, don't really want to discuss that right now) I'm physically no different. But I know. I know what's changed. Everytime I smell salt and vinegar, or hear Declan O'Rourke's voice, or say "in fairness...," or listen to the opening strains of "Ruby" or "Grace Kelly" or "I Don't Feel Like Dancing," or think of the Lodge, or smell cigarettes, or hear someone talk about FREEDOM (ha), or anytime someone grills, God, probably anytime it RAINS, I'm going to be here. And I don't know how I feel about not actually physically waking up in Thomond Village, looking out at the "protected marshlands" (my ass) and seeing the River Shannon out my window. I don't know if I really want to go back. Do not get me wrong, I randomly squeal with excitement at the thought of seeing my sister again, and being with family and friends. But a lot has changed for me back home too, and I guess I'm just not sure what to expect. I don't like not knowing, I don't like guessing. And I don't like things to be unfamiliar. Things here are familiar. I have a set life, and I have an independence I don't have at home. More than all that, I have accomplished something I set out to do when I was younger than Ali. I don't want that to be over. But I can't do anything about it now... it's all too late. So all I can do is try my best, and remember what I have... here and now. I know I'll be back. But what for what? For visiting? For my masters? For teaching? For the future? And maybe more importantly... when will I get to be back?