It Ain't the Size of the Dog in the Fight: After Action Report (3)
"You're a lifesaver," Xander told Amy Madison, outside the second floor boy's bathroom.
"I owe you guys from last year." She handed him a small jar and a sheet of paper. "And probably for last night. Mom's cat chased me around the house and almost got me. Stupid Miss Frisby costume."
"So, into the magics?" Xander asked.
"Nothing serious," Amy said. "Low level herbalism and blessing spells. Not about to party down with the Laughing Gods. You'd be surprised how much other students need-- Heh, maybe you aren't."
"Do the crime," Xander said, thinking of frenetic broom closet action, "do the time. So this is basically a smear and chant thing."
"Not exactly." Amy Madison checked the hallway to make sure there were no witnesses. "You have to use, uh, this."
"What?" Xander paled when he saw the novelty inflatable sheep, still shrink-wrapped. "Dammit, I hate magic."
"Scapegoat spell to balance the humours," Amy explained. "It needs a 'virgin ewe', according to the grimoire. Ms. Calendar explained about symbols substitution. This should work instead. Just be glad I didn't have to point you to the nearest pasture."
"Great," Xander muttered as he retreated into the bathroom, "exactly like Will's eleventh birthday party when Uncle Rory got blind on schnapps at the petting zoo..."
++++
Sex with Cordelia.
No, sex with Cordelia.
There was a certain amount of conflict here. On the one hand, today he was a man. On the other, having close groinal relations with Cordelia inspired a level of (to use Willow-speak) cognitive dissonance akin to seeing Cthulhu's left toenail. Not to mention he was probably going to have to resign as treasurer. Wait? Had he been good? Cordelia's muffled yelps had indicated that your basic butter-churning action had done been effective. But, hey, he had seen When Harry Met Sally at least a hundred times with Wills. She always had it on, for some reason. Probably for the New York sophistication thing. He'd watched the "I'll have what you're having" scene. So, fakola? No, this was Cordelia. She would have told him straight-out if he'd not been up for it. Which he had. All through the frantic fifteen minutes that had stripped him of his position as the Scoobie designated unicorn-catcher. So yeah. Mental self high five! Only he had still had sex with Cordelia.
Xander stopped dead in front of the library doors.
Do not tell Willow I had sex with Cordelia.
Not even a hint.
Not--
Xander gaped when he saw Willow sitting by the table.
"Homina!" he gurgled.
"Hi!" Willow hunched over, dressed in homina. No, a variation of her normal jeans and blouse outfits. Only the blouse was a dove grey silk that bared a bit of midriff, and the jeans were tight in ways that showed off Willow curves he hadn't known about, and there was this light make-up thing going on--
"Maharglanah." Xander shook his head. "I mean, wow! Great look!"
"You like it?" Willow asked, sitting up straighter. Homina. "After last night, I thought about being a ghost and how you only have one life to live and I'm a modern American girl and should be confident and take charge--"
"Wanna dive face first into the Hellmouth right now, huh?" Xander said.
"Hide me!" Willow buried her face in her hands. "I need baby steps, I think. And a burka."
"That would be a crime." Xander was thankful that he was now truly master of his domain. Otherwise, there might be signals that friends should not be making. "I mean, like that, if I'd seen you in the Bronze, I would have asked you out. Or drooled on your sneakers while getting cited for sexual harassment."
"This inspires yen?" Willow idly played with a chess set, set up with one of the problems she liked solving.
"The entire Bank of Tokyo." Xander lightly punched her upper arm. "Which would be humiliating. Because we're friends."
"Yeah." Willow sighed, down for some reason. "Friends. Yay."
"Like this, you could get any guy in school." Xander jerked a thumb at the chessboard. "Mate in five, Wills."
"You think I could--" Willow blinked. She examined the board. "You're right. How can you be right? The last time I tried to teach you chess, you ended up having the knights try to storm a rook you called 'Skeletor'. And you kept queening pawns while chanting 'by the power of Grayskull'. "
"It's obvious." Tick-tack-tack. The pieces shuffled through a gambit that proved mate in five moves. "See-- Uh. What?"
The hell?
"Xander," Willow said slowly, "I never read the Bolo books very much. But weren't they masters of military strategy and tactics? Chess is sort of a war game."
"You're kidding me," Xander said. "This is almost crazier than me banging Cordelia in the broom closet."
A moment of silence.
"WHAT?"
"Hah!" Xander grinned weakly. "Psych?"
"I owe you guys from last year." She handed him a small jar and a sheet of paper. "And probably for last night. Mom's cat chased me around the house and almost got me. Stupid Miss Frisby costume."
"So, into the magics?" Xander asked.
"Nothing serious," Amy said. "Low level herbalism and blessing spells. Not about to party down with the Laughing Gods. You'd be surprised how much other students need-- Heh, maybe you aren't."
"Do the crime," Xander said, thinking of frenetic broom closet action, "do the time. So this is basically a smear and chant thing."
"Not exactly." Amy Madison checked the hallway to make sure there were no witnesses. "You have to use, uh, this."
"What?" Xander paled when he saw the novelty inflatable sheep, still shrink-wrapped. "Dammit, I hate magic."
"Scapegoat spell to balance the humours," Amy explained. "It needs a 'virgin ewe', according to the grimoire. Ms. Calendar explained about symbols substitution. This should work instead. Just be glad I didn't have to point you to the nearest pasture."
"Great," Xander muttered as he retreated into the bathroom, "exactly like Will's eleventh birthday party when Uncle Rory got blind on schnapps at the petting zoo..."
++++
Sex with Cordelia.
No, sex with Cordelia.
There was a certain amount of conflict here. On the one hand, today he was a man. On the other, having close groinal relations with Cordelia inspired a level of (to use Willow-speak) cognitive dissonance akin to seeing Cthulhu's left toenail. Not to mention he was probably going to have to resign as treasurer. Wait? Had he been good? Cordelia's muffled yelps had indicated that your basic butter-churning action had done been effective. But, hey, he had seen When Harry Met Sally at least a hundred times with Wills. She always had it on, for some reason. Probably for the New York sophistication thing. He'd watched the "I'll have what you're having" scene. So, fakola? No, this was Cordelia. She would have told him straight-out if he'd not been up for it. Which he had. All through the frantic fifteen minutes that had stripped him of his position as the Scoobie designated unicorn-catcher. So yeah. Mental self high five! Only he had still had sex with Cordelia.
Xander stopped dead in front of the library doors.
Do not tell Willow I had sex with Cordelia.
Not even a hint.
Not--
Xander gaped when he saw Willow sitting by the table.
"Homina!" he gurgled.
"Hi!" Willow hunched over, dressed in homina. No, a variation of her normal jeans and blouse outfits. Only the blouse was a dove grey silk that bared a bit of midriff, and the jeans were tight in ways that showed off Willow curves he hadn't known about, and there was this light make-up thing going on--
"Maharglanah." Xander shook his head. "I mean, wow! Great look!"
"You like it?" Willow asked, sitting up straighter. Homina. "After last night, I thought about being a ghost and how you only have one life to live and I'm a modern American girl and should be confident and take charge--"
"Wanna dive face first into the Hellmouth right now, huh?" Xander said.
"Hide me!" Willow buried her face in her hands. "I need baby steps, I think. And a burka."
"That would be a crime." Xander was thankful that he was now truly master of his domain. Otherwise, there might be signals that friends should not be making. "I mean, like that, if I'd seen you in the Bronze, I would have asked you out. Or drooled on your sneakers while getting cited for sexual harassment."
"This inspires yen?" Willow idly played with a chess set, set up with one of the problems she liked solving.
"The entire Bank of Tokyo." Xander lightly punched her upper arm. "Which would be humiliating. Because we're friends."
"Yeah." Willow sighed, down for some reason. "Friends. Yay."
"Like this, you could get any guy in school." Xander jerked a thumb at the chessboard. "Mate in five, Wills."
"You think I could--" Willow blinked. She examined the board. "You're right. How can you be right? The last time I tried to teach you chess, you ended up having the knights try to storm a rook you called 'Skeletor'. And you kept queening pawns while chanting 'by the power of Grayskull'. "
"It's obvious." Tick-tack-tack. The pieces shuffled through a gambit that proved mate in five moves. "See-- Uh. What?"
The hell?
"Xander," Willow said slowly, "I never read the Bolo books very much. But weren't they masters of military strategy and tactics? Chess is sort of a war game."
"You're kidding me," Xander said. "This is almost crazier than me banging Cordelia in the broom closet."
A moment of silence.
"WHAT?"
"Hah!" Xander grinned weakly. "Psych?"