trouble.
I should not want him. That's what he keeps telling me.
Don't say that. Please don't say that.
I asked him to lay in my bed.
Please, will you lay down next to me, we can leave our clothes on?
I tried to take his shirt off. He kissed me.
He'd done that before. The first time he did it was in his bedroom. I came over because my mom was gone for the night and I can't cook. He can. He made me a big waffle and scrambled eggs. We watched "The Way We Were" and we both nodded off. I woke up around 2AM and got up to leave but he grabbed my arm.
You don't have go home. My dad wont mind. And it's too late for you to walk home anyway.
I nodded but then he began to walk upstairs. He came to a halt mid step and looked at me with a slanted grin.
You coming?
I just stood there like an ass and stared at him. He snickered and took a step back.
Come on, silly girl. I don't want you to sleep on the couch.
I exhaled a breath and walked toward him. He held out his hand and I slowly slid my fingers across his palm. He intertwined our fingers and started ascending us back up the stairs. I tried to smile sweetly but I was scared as hell. I'd never even been inside his room and now he wanted me to sleep in there. With him. He opened the door and led me in. It was clean for the most part. The bed was unmade and some clothes were scattered across his carpet but it was fairly tidy. He let go of my hand and walked over to his dresser opening the top drawer. I looked down awkwardly, brushing off non-existent dirt from my jeans. I looked up to see what he was doing but a pair of flannel pajama pants piloted over my face.
You can change in my bathroom.
I thanked him timidly and walked over to his bathroom and closed the door. I walked over to the mirror and looked at it grudgingly. My hair was a little disheveled and I had a small bruise on my cheek but this was as good as it was gonna get. I refused to look in the mirror again and quickly threw off my jeans. His pajama pants were big on me but they were better than jeans. I opened the door and looked for him. He was in a white t-shirt with a hole on the shoulder and black sweatpants, putting his phone on his charger. He looked over at me and smiled. I love his smile. I couldn't help but smile back. He walked over to his bed and laid flat on his back. His eyes moved towards my pegged body and he chuckled.
Come here. I didn't drag you up here to sleep on the floor.
I know.
I struggled to put on an indifferent appearance as I sauntered over to his bed. He sat up. He took my hand and pulled me down onto the mattress. We sat facing each other. I felt a roll of nausea in the pit of stomach when he grabbed my other hand. I mentally scoffed at myself for acting like such a girl. We were together on his bed and he was beautiful. He played with the ring on my index finger.
Are you okay with sleeping in my bed?
Yes. I want to.
I didn't really mean to tell him that, but I didn't want to sleep anywhere else but in this bed, with him. He put his hands on my both sides of my hips and pulled me on top of him so I was straddling him. My heart was erratic. We'd never done anything like this. I'd never done anything like this ever. He rested his forehead on my neck. I lifted my hand and fingered the hair at the nape of his neck. He sighed causing his breath to blow down my shirt. He lifted his head and looked at me. He put his forehead against mine and whispered to me.
Can I kiss you?
I closed my eyes and nodded. My breath picked up and I felt my face burn. I had no idea how to do this. He was going to have to lead me. He softly kissed me. It was too chaste and too quick. I wanted more. I sat there with my eyes remaining closed. I decided that I would kiss him back. I would show him that I wanted to go further. But before I could make my move he kissed me again. And again. And again. Then he took my bottom lip in between his. I took his top lip and slid my hands over his shoulders and wrapped them around his neck. He kissed me softly and slowly. He then pulled away and looked at me, staring into my eyes. He was breathing just as heavily as I was. I felt such an overwhelming devotion and fervor towards him at that moment. It consumed me. I brushed my fingers across his cheeks, over his lips, and them swept them across his forehead into his soft hair. He laid us down and then twisted over so we were both on our sides. I nuzzled my face into his neck. He reached over and turned off the lamp. I felt him play with the ends of my hair. We laid there for what seemed like hours. I heard his soft, rhythmic breathing and I guessed he fell asleep. I felt overpowered with so much emotion. He kissed me. He wanted to. He kissed me and he touched me. I kissed him back. I touched him back. We had known each other for 7 months and I knew that what we had was more than a simple friendship. He took care of me and I took care of him.
I tried to take his shirt off the third time he kissed me. We were alone and I thought he wanted me to. He pried my fingers from his buttons and whispered my name. My full name. I was stunned and wide-eyed. I quickly apologized.
I'm sorry. I thought you wanted-
No, no. Don't apologize. It's okay.
Can I still kiss you?
He smiled, answering my question. I kissed him again. Even though the subject was quickly dismissed, I hated myself for trying that with him. It was too bold and I shouldn't have done it.
I tried to take his shirt off a month and a half later. He did the same thing.
Why not?
Because, you'll regret it.
Why would I? I want you.
You should not want me.
I didn't say anything after that.
The reason he tells me I shouldn't want him is because he's scared. He's had three previous girlfriends but had never been in love. I told him I loved him and he didn't say anything. He stared at me and then looked down. I waited for him to at least look at me but he never did.
Don't say that. Please don't say that.
I walked away without a word and headed back to my house, fighting back tears.
That night he came knocking at my door around 10. My mother was asleep so I answered it. He told me that he can't say it yet. He told me to not give up on him. He told me that he was scared of that word and that he doesn't know how to feel it back and that it's not my fault. I took his hand and brought him to my room.
Please, will you lay down next to me, we can leave our clothes on?
I laid down first and he followed. He softly kissed my temple and pulled my body toward him so that I rested on his chest. Later that night I thought about a conversation we had a while back. I told him that I wanted to be in love when I had sex for the first time. He wasn't a virgin, but he told me he wish he did the same. He must have pushed me away when I tried to get closer because he knew that I loved him but he didn't want to believe it.
He used to drink a lot. His father caught him one night completely shit-faced and sent him to his grandmother's house for the summer. He sobered up but everyone found out back at home. My mother told me that she hopes I'll find a man better than that boy. We kept our relationship a secret for a while but my mom eventually found out. She told me that he was trouble and that I should stay away from him and that boys like him never change. She doesn't know him. I love him and they can't do anything about it. My mother doesn't even know that he's my only real friend. He's my best friend. I have friends that I talk to at school but we don't talk on the phone or sleep over at each other's houses. Everyone assumed I was a dyke until they saw me with him. No one knows me like he does. No one knows him like I do. There are rumors going around that he went to jail that summer. He's got a bad reputation and It's a small town. They don't know that he's brilliant. He's more than his pretty face. He's complicated but I love him anyway. He makes me feel more than I can handle. He told me that I'm beautiful and that I'm sexy underneath all those t-shirs I wear. He likes to take pictures of me while I'm not looking. He took this one. He told me it's his favorite.
