I finally know what Joy is...
It's different from happiness. It's coupled with peace. It's something i like. God really touched me at the retreat. It was awesome. Here's a recap of the events, but also a background of what was happening before.
God works in mysterious ways. He started stirring up my life at last year's YES Retreat with tought personal questions such as, "How do i know that i actually have faith? How do i know if i'm not just going through the motions?" Well, these were tough questions to answer. So tough for me, in fact, that i could find no answer that satisfied me. I was left empty and puzzled. Naturally, or as events took their course, the devil just took this idea and flew with it, poisoning my mind against God. This sounds dramatic, but it's true. I seriously began to doubt that God existed!! I wondered where he was and why i couldn't "feel" his presence during my prayertime. I started to doubt more and more and pray less and less.
Where was God? Well, God was working. He had revealed himself to me when i was baptised in his holy spirit, but...big one here...i experienced God in a very physical way. In fact, i became so dependent on these "good" feelings that, i do believe, i actually wanted to pray more for the "good" feelings than to praise and seek out the Lord. Yeah...heading down the wrong path there, as you can tell. So God did what any other parent would do to a child who was addicted to the wrong thing...he took it away. I no longer "felt" anything during my prayer time. Unfortunately, instead of trusting in the Lord, i immediately gave way to doubt and the whispers of the devil. One thing lead to another, and soon i was careening down a path to atheism.
By far the most depressing, emotionally upsetting time of my life. I felt so alone. I didn't know where God was. I got frustrated easily. Well...tons of people have been praying for me, and God listened to my prayers.
This YES Retreat, one of the first messages was to open up to God. Seek God with Expectant Faith. Don't doubt, just believe and trust. Leap, but God helped me manage it. Ha...didn't realize that till now, but yes. Isn't Grace wonderful?! Thank you God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Yes, well...expectant faith pays off. God sent his spirit.
We had a talk on Saturday...the big night...the one i was really nervous, anxious, and excited about, all at the same time...the one where we had the big praise and worship session with the opportunity to get prayed over. Well, Mike Shaughnessy gave the talk - about healing - good talk. It was not just talk though. After we were done, he asked us to pray and put our faith into action. He had several words of knowledge that people needed prayers to be healed of fears, addictions, etc. Asked to be prayed over. Had several wonderful words from God. Heard, "step out in the mud, step out in faith, and i will provide for you, i will make solid ground appear under your feet." Also, "why do you doubt? don't you realize how much i love you? I have always loved you. you are precious to me." Something else that Mike said that really struck me, something that was weighing heavily on my heart was the idea that God only wanted some people. He picked certain people and made a bargain with the devil for them, while all the other people could, well...basically go to hell. Well, it sounds ridiculous, but this is what i thought! God opened my eyes and showed me how i was being decieved. He had loved me, and he wants me to continue to love him.
Just a little side track, but...when i was being confirmed...early freshman year...when the bishop was annointing me, and asked me my saint's name, he stopped and commented. The name i had chosen was Agnes. He said that she was a saint that had loved God with all of her heart. That was cool to find out, but that wasn't all he said. He then questioned me - is your heart big enough to love God? Can you love God that much? Well, at the retreat, one of the words God sent me was just about this. He said he would increase my heart that i might love him more and love his people as well.
WOW, right?! Yeah...God is so Good. Jesus is my lord.. He loved me so much. No matter what, he's always there for me. You know that saying...God is a jealous God. So true. He didn't want to share me with the devil. He wanted me to himself. He wasn't damning me, even when i doubted. He opened his arms, and died, his precious blood cleansed me and marked me as his own. I am loved by Jesus and i am chosen by him. Satan can tempt, but he has lost his power. He has lost his control, for God is my strenght.
That's another thing...control. That was weighing heavily on my mind. The devil asked me...if you give your life to God, what about your choices? you won't be able to do anything, choose anything. God is a huge control freak. NOT TRUE. More lies. The truth is that there aren't three choices like i was thinking. There isn't God's choice, my choice and the devils's choice. There's just God and the devil. My choice is chosing between the two. I have no will but that of either God or the devil, therefore chosing for God was using my will to say YES to making God's will my own, instead of saying YES to making the devil's will my own.
Faithfulness of God? Love of God? Mercy of God? Power of God's spirit? Love of Jesus? Holiness of God? Mysterious Grace and Wisdom? Yes...God is Good. I cannot doubt with him in my heart.
The truth is, i'm still under attack. Satan is relentless, but God is faithful. I still need your prayers, and so do others who are struggling to choose God, struggling to seek his face, struggling to do his will. Once you've read this, please pray, not only for me, but for all struggling Christians. Christ hears our prayers...he heard those of others and mine in my case, he will not only hear, but answer your prayers. So, PRAY!!
God loves you...and so do I!
Joy rocks!! Thank you Jesus!
God works in mysterious ways. He started stirring up my life at last year's YES Retreat with tought personal questions such as, "How do i know that i actually have faith? How do i know if i'm not just going through the motions?" Well, these were tough questions to answer. So tough for me, in fact, that i could find no answer that satisfied me. I was left empty and puzzled. Naturally, or as events took their course, the devil just took this idea and flew with it, poisoning my mind against God. This sounds dramatic, but it's true. I seriously began to doubt that God existed!! I wondered where he was and why i couldn't "feel" his presence during my prayertime. I started to doubt more and more and pray less and less.
Where was God? Well, God was working. He had revealed himself to me when i was baptised in his holy spirit, but...big one here...i experienced God in a very physical way. In fact, i became so dependent on these "good" feelings that, i do believe, i actually wanted to pray more for the "good" feelings than to praise and seek out the Lord. Yeah...heading down the wrong path there, as you can tell. So God did what any other parent would do to a child who was addicted to the wrong thing...he took it away. I no longer "felt" anything during my prayer time. Unfortunately, instead of trusting in the Lord, i immediately gave way to doubt and the whispers of the devil. One thing lead to another, and soon i was careening down a path to atheism.
By far the most depressing, emotionally upsetting time of my life. I felt so alone. I didn't know where God was. I got frustrated easily. Well...tons of people have been praying for me, and God listened to my prayers.
This YES Retreat, one of the first messages was to open up to God. Seek God with Expectant Faith. Don't doubt, just believe and trust. Leap, but God helped me manage it. Ha...didn't realize that till now, but yes. Isn't Grace wonderful?! Thank you God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Yes, well...expectant faith pays off. God sent his spirit.
We had a talk on Saturday...the big night...the one i was really nervous, anxious, and excited about, all at the same time...the one where we had the big praise and worship session with the opportunity to get prayed over. Well, Mike Shaughnessy gave the talk - about healing - good talk. It was not just talk though. After we were done, he asked us to pray and put our faith into action. He had several words of knowledge that people needed prayers to be healed of fears, addictions, etc. Asked to be prayed over. Had several wonderful words from God. Heard, "step out in the mud, step out in faith, and i will provide for you, i will make solid ground appear under your feet." Also, "why do you doubt? don't you realize how much i love you? I have always loved you. you are precious to me." Something else that Mike said that really struck me, something that was weighing heavily on my heart was the idea that God only wanted some people. He picked certain people and made a bargain with the devil for them, while all the other people could, well...basically go to hell. Well, it sounds ridiculous, but this is what i thought! God opened my eyes and showed me how i was being decieved. He had loved me, and he wants me to continue to love him.
Just a little side track, but...when i was being confirmed...early freshman year...when the bishop was annointing me, and asked me my saint's name, he stopped and commented. The name i had chosen was Agnes. He said that she was a saint that had loved God with all of her heart. That was cool to find out, but that wasn't all he said. He then questioned me - is your heart big enough to love God? Can you love God that much? Well, at the retreat, one of the words God sent me was just about this. He said he would increase my heart that i might love him more and love his people as well.
WOW, right?! Yeah...God is so Good. Jesus is my lord.. He loved me so much. No matter what, he's always there for me. You know that saying...God is a jealous God. So true. He didn't want to share me with the devil. He wanted me to himself. He wasn't damning me, even when i doubted. He opened his arms, and died, his precious blood cleansed me and marked me as his own. I am loved by Jesus and i am chosen by him. Satan can tempt, but he has lost his power. He has lost his control, for God is my strenght.
That's another thing...control. That was weighing heavily on my mind. The devil asked me...if you give your life to God, what about your choices? you won't be able to do anything, choose anything. God is a huge control freak. NOT TRUE. More lies. The truth is that there aren't three choices like i was thinking. There isn't God's choice, my choice and the devils's choice. There's just God and the devil. My choice is chosing between the two. I have no will but that of either God or the devil, therefore chosing for God was using my will to say YES to making God's will my own, instead of saying YES to making the devil's will my own.
Faithfulness of God? Love of God? Mercy of God? Power of God's spirit? Love of Jesus? Holiness of God? Mysterious Grace and Wisdom? Yes...God is Good. I cannot doubt with him in my heart.
The truth is, i'm still under attack. Satan is relentless, but God is faithful. I still need your prayers, and so do others who are struggling to choose God, struggling to seek his face, struggling to do his will. Once you've read this, please pray, not only for me, but for all struggling Christians. Christ hears our prayers...he heard those of others and mine in my case, he will not only hear, but answer your prayers. So, PRAY!!
God loves you...and so do I!
Joy rocks!! Thank you Jesus!