What it's like
My dad died. I'm fucked up now. For a half year, over that, I could have sworn I beat depression and angst and shit like that. I mean I've been happy and whole for as far as I can tell and bam, shits over. Now everythings back. I'm pissed off and shit, I want to start fights, I'm angsty, I can't pay attention. I'd rather not admit it but I cry in the car a lot now. I cry now. I didn't cry before. It's terrible.
I want to get close to somebody but the only girls that are into me I immediately push away (I mean literally as soon as there is some physical connection). I don't know why and I can't stop it. I want to talk to my friends but I can't.
Before when I was pissed and depressed and I wished I had a good reason I swear I was just talking out my ass. Some kid told me he'd been depressed lately at school and he didn't know why, and I wanted to kick his ass. I want to fight somebody so very badly. I want to get this out of me by fucking or fighting or something.
But how do you tell someone that you don't need a lover or a friend or a body even, but that you need a stepping stone? That you need an ego boost, not a hand on your arm. Or a rush of blood to the head when your drunk, and the best excuse you've got is "hey, my dad died, lets make out"?
I've hit lows before but shit. And I'm tired of hearing how sorry people are for me. I'm sorry for me too. The biggest and tightest safety net I ever knew is gone. The man that thought I was the best fucking thing in his life is dead. I'm crying writing this.
I want to get close to somebody but the only girls that are into me I immediately push away (I mean literally as soon as there is some physical connection). I don't know why and I can't stop it. I want to talk to my friends but I can't.
Before when I was pissed and depressed and I wished I had a good reason I swear I was just talking out my ass. Some kid told me he'd been depressed lately at school and he didn't know why, and I wanted to kick his ass. I want to fight somebody so very badly. I want to get this out of me by fucking or fighting or something.
But how do you tell someone that you don't need a lover or a friend or a body even, but that you need a stepping stone? That you need an ego boost, not a hand on your arm. Or a rush of blood to the head when your drunk, and the best excuse you've got is "hey, my dad died, lets make out"?
I've hit lows before but shit. And I'm tired of hearing how sorry people are for me. I'm sorry for me too. The biggest and tightest safety net I ever knew is gone. The man that thought I was the best fucking thing in his life is dead. I'm crying writing this.