(no subject)
I don't want to be selfish anymore. I've been trying for a long time to change who I am and how I let things affect me, and only until a few days ago have I realized how much anger I've retained throughout the past year. It all happened when I was really high, but it was probably one of the most revealing epiphanies I've had in ages. I can't be angry any more. I can't blame other people for my own mistakes. I felt so shitty once I realized how dumb I've been.
I feel like I owe apologies to so many people I could bankrupt myself on sorrow that I don't have. It's like everything that was important isn't any more. All I've ever want to do is be happy, so my whole life has revolved around this crude idea of happiness: sex, weed, food, drugs, drinking, being an asshole, being important, being liked. But this summer when I was volunteering on ASP and I dug a hole (so anticlimactic, I know) but it was a big fucking hole, and it hurt and it took energy from me I didn't know I had, and I couldn't stop even as I threw all my strength behind a pickax, chipping away a retaining wall one cinder block at a time. After it was done I think I felt happier than I've ever felt before in my life, its hard to tell. I think I almost cried, that too is hard to tell.
I feel like I owe apologies to so many people I could bankrupt myself on sorrow that I don't have. It's like everything that was important isn't any more. All I've ever want to do is be happy, so my whole life has revolved around this crude idea of happiness: sex, weed, food, drugs, drinking, being an asshole, being important, being liked. But this summer when I was volunteering on ASP and I dug a hole (so anticlimactic, I know) but it was a big fucking hole, and it hurt and it took energy from me I didn't know I had, and I couldn't stop even as I threw all my strength behind a pickax, chipping away a retaining wall one cinder block at a time. After it was done I think I felt happier than I've ever felt before in my life, its hard to tell. I think I almost cried, that too is hard to tell.