Grr.
So yeah, I need to vent. I'll put it under a cut for those of you who don't feel like reading rage-filled stuff. Also, there's some background information about this post that I may or may not post at a later date. For now, I just need to get some stuff off my chest.
Why is it that every time I talk to my dad about money, I get sucked back into a disempowering set of beliefs that revolve around his values? My dad and I went to the bank today to get set up for a loan for my transition costs, namely my facial surgery, breast augmentation and a few other things. The loan will basically go to pay off my credit card balance, which includes both transition stuff and fun things like going out for dinner with friends, plus helping my girlfriend out since she's not employed right now.
My dad and I went out for something to eat afterward, and we started talking about my over-spending habits. Immediately, I was hit with a wave of guilt and felt like I was inadequate, like I had horribly screwed up my life and was being put under a microscope with all of my flaws at the forefront. He said a few times that he wasn't angry with me, and I do believe him. But because of my own perspective about things, it was basically an examination of everything I had done wrong. He's pushing me to change my spending habits and get a second job or a roommate, and from a financial perspective it makes sense to do so.
I kind of feel like a princess for saying this, but fuck, don't I work hard enough already? I have a job where I make $37,000 a year, and I'm making payments on my credit cards (which I'll have to get rid of as a condition of the loan, says the bank) and am giving him $800 a month for my living expenses, $500 of which will go toward paying off my loan. My dad says that the $500 is a minimum payment and that those payments will have to increase based on how my income changes, like getting a raise. He also wants me to take over utilities payments for my house, and is offering me use of his old car for nothing but the gas.
This poses a problem for me, though. Right now, my living expenses can barely be covered by the money I make at TELUS, plus maybe $100 a month. That doesn't include transition expenses or any sort of entertainment. Having to add the utilities on to that will be anothre $250 a month total. Of course, I can reduce that by making sure all my appliances/lights/heat is turned off and crap like that, but even if I manage to bring it down to $150 a month, I'm still in deficit. If I get a second job, it'll probably have to be something like food service, which I absolutely despise and drives me crazy. Having a second job also poses the problem of finding dog care. If I had a roommate, I'd never have any space to myself and would be driven even MORE crazy. I feel like being able to pay my bills and being able to enjoy my life are mutually exclusive. What am I supposed to do, wave my hand and make money materialize from thin air?
That brings me to another gripe I've had lately. A few months back I read/watched The Secret, and have been working with the idea that I can manifest what I want in my life - money, jobs, relationships, whatever. It does work, as I found out when I got my new lawnmower. So I'm trying to work with the intention/belief that "I can afford everything I want". Then I have a conversation like the one I had with my father, and everything goes to hell. How am I supposed to focus on prosperity and abundance when there are bills that the numbers in my bank account will simply not allow me to pay? Focusing your intentions on "I have enough" instead of "I need more" is all well and good, but the bank doesn't accept positive intentions when it comes time to pay your credit card bill.
Having said all that, my intellectual honesty won't allow me to skip writing the good things about this situation, and there are a few of those. First, my dad is subsidizing my living expenses, and he will continue to do so - I'd be a lot worse off if not for his help, and I'm grateful that he's supporting me even though he's technically losing money. My dad has also offered to help me with things like taking care of Rebel as long as I'm specific about what I need - if I get a second job that requires me to work evenings, for example, he's willing to come over in the afternoons so the pup doesn't spend all day alone. No matter how bad my finances get in terms of the amount of debt I'm in, I'll still have a roof over my head.
I might have to cut up my credit cards, but they'll be paid off and I won't have to worry about getting myself into a debt hole anymore. I'm also grateful that I actually can meet my expenses with just a second, part-time job - many people aren't fortunate enough to have even one job that pays all their bills, as both my girlfriend and other friends have experienced recently. Possibly most important of all at this point, while I do gripe about being in this much debt, the fact of it is that the only reason I need a loan for transition is because my transition happened. That's something to be grateful for, isn't it? (As I have to remind myself, The Secret makes it very clear that the two keys to manifesting what you want in your life are truly believing that it's going to happen and being grateful for the things you already have. I don't know whether this is an exercise to keep myself emotionally balanced or to convince myself to work with The Secret, but I guess it can be both.)
So yeah, rant over. Time to spend more money and go get good and drunk. I can afford this, I can afford this, I can afford this...
Why is it that every time I talk to my dad about money, I get sucked back into a disempowering set of beliefs that revolve around his values? My dad and I went to the bank today to get set up for a loan for my transition costs, namely my facial surgery, breast augmentation and a few other things. The loan will basically go to pay off my credit card balance, which includes both transition stuff and fun things like going out for dinner with friends, plus helping my girlfriend out since she's not employed right now.
My dad and I went out for something to eat afterward, and we started talking about my over-spending habits. Immediately, I was hit with a wave of guilt and felt like I was inadequate, like I had horribly screwed up my life and was being put under a microscope with all of my flaws at the forefront. He said a few times that he wasn't angry with me, and I do believe him. But because of my own perspective about things, it was basically an examination of everything I had done wrong. He's pushing me to change my spending habits and get a second job or a roommate, and from a financial perspective it makes sense to do so.
I kind of feel like a princess for saying this, but fuck, don't I work hard enough already? I have a job where I make $37,000 a year, and I'm making payments on my credit cards (which I'll have to get rid of as a condition of the loan, says the bank) and am giving him $800 a month for my living expenses, $500 of which will go toward paying off my loan. My dad says that the $500 is a minimum payment and that those payments will have to increase based on how my income changes, like getting a raise. He also wants me to take over utilities payments for my house, and is offering me use of his old car for nothing but the gas.
This poses a problem for me, though. Right now, my living expenses can barely be covered by the money I make at TELUS, plus maybe $100 a month. That doesn't include transition expenses or any sort of entertainment. Having to add the utilities on to that will be anothre $250 a month total. Of course, I can reduce that by making sure all my appliances/lights/heat is turned off and crap like that, but even if I manage to bring it down to $150 a month, I'm still in deficit. If I get a second job, it'll probably have to be something like food service, which I absolutely despise and drives me crazy. Having a second job also poses the problem of finding dog care. If I had a roommate, I'd never have any space to myself and would be driven even MORE crazy. I feel like being able to pay my bills and being able to enjoy my life are mutually exclusive. What am I supposed to do, wave my hand and make money materialize from thin air?
That brings me to another gripe I've had lately. A few months back I read/watched The Secret, and have been working with the idea that I can manifest what I want in my life - money, jobs, relationships, whatever. It does work, as I found out when I got my new lawnmower. So I'm trying to work with the intention/belief that "I can afford everything I want". Then I have a conversation like the one I had with my father, and everything goes to hell. How am I supposed to focus on prosperity and abundance when there are bills that the numbers in my bank account will simply not allow me to pay? Focusing your intentions on "I have enough" instead of "I need more" is all well and good, but the bank doesn't accept positive intentions when it comes time to pay your credit card bill.
Having said all that, my intellectual honesty won't allow me to skip writing the good things about this situation, and there are a few of those. First, my dad is subsidizing my living expenses, and he will continue to do so - I'd be a lot worse off if not for his help, and I'm grateful that he's supporting me even though he's technically losing money. My dad has also offered to help me with things like taking care of Rebel as long as I'm specific about what I need - if I get a second job that requires me to work evenings, for example, he's willing to come over in the afternoons so the pup doesn't spend all day alone. No matter how bad my finances get in terms of the amount of debt I'm in, I'll still have a roof over my head.
I might have to cut up my credit cards, but they'll be paid off and I won't have to worry about getting myself into a debt hole anymore. I'm also grateful that I actually can meet my expenses with just a second, part-time job - many people aren't fortunate enough to have even one job that pays all their bills, as both my girlfriend and other friends have experienced recently. Possibly most important of all at this point, while I do gripe about being in this much debt, the fact of it is that the only reason I need a loan for transition is because my transition happened. That's something to be grateful for, isn't it? (As I have to remind myself, The Secret makes it very clear that the two keys to manifesting what you want in your life are truly believing that it's going to happen and being grateful for the things you already have. I don't know whether this is an exercise to keep myself emotionally balanced or to convince myself to work with The Secret, but I guess it can be both.)
So yeah, rant over. Time to spend more money and go get good and drunk. I can afford this, I can afford this, I can afford this...