(no subject)
Hey, ya'll. Not entirely sure why I'm updating on this side today; I guess I wanted somewhere to talk and not feel 100% alone as I did so. I'm in one of those moments in my life where I've realized that I let things go to shit, but I want them resolved, but the realization that I can't resolve things immediately kills me. My combination of impatience and despair is a bitch, and it messes with me every single day, even if as I try to force positive thoughts and actions. The rational part of me is saying "one day at a time. Just one day at a time." But then the impatient and self-defeating side is all "fuck that, let's just eat some frosting out of the tub and cry all day," which is what I end up doing instead, because at least I feel strangely like something is being accomplished, even if the accomplishment is simply hastening my death. Yeah, that makes a ton of sense.
I guess I thought things would be different by now. Better different. That I'd be 27, and I'd at least be somewhere on the path of what I want, and things would be clearer to me. Not necessarily. I do think that I see things better than I did before, but it's very possible that I'm *wrong* as well. I've been so afraid of looking away from an escapist fictional life that I let my actual life go down the toilet. I've defaulted on my student loans, because I avoided the fact that I couldn't afford them, and decided that it'd be better to waste the money on other stuff (what?!) I've screwed myself at Disney and am again walking the very thin tightrope of getting myself fired. 2012 was a bitch for me in a lot of respects, and my work attendance reflects it. I almost got fired from DRC for missing too much, (depression and just saying "fuck it" 100% the reason), then I switched to Toy, where I started there by being diagnosed with pneumonia and mono right away (but had no insurance and couldn't get a doctor's note to help me out), then let my depression take over and had random sick days, plus car trouble, plus having to call in for events that I couldn't get time off for... and this year, I've been sick once, late once, and now sick again (fucking stomach flu, I swear to God, I thought we were done!). I told myself I'd do a great job when Disney hired me back, and I'd do my best to make a career out of it, and I completely let it fall apart. Mind you, since October of 2011 I've realized that a Disney career isn't what I want at ALL, in any aspect of the company, but still. Being a derelict doesn't help, period, even if it's not my endgame.
I can't believe it's been almost a year at Toy. Almost a year, and I've now managed to acquire three reprimands. I'm trying to be much better about calling in this year, but because of my issues last year, that's where the third one is coming from. For fuck's sake, who does this?! (I know I'm not alone, but I still feel shitty as can be.)
I just feel like I'm falling apart. The older I get, the more I sink, that's not how it's supposed to go. Honestly, I'd be fine if I had to leave Disney behind forever, but the other jobs I've applied for haven't led anywhere yet, and I have obligations. I'm pretty sure I'm going home as soon as this lease is up, to try and reassess. I feel guilty doing that though, as well, given roommate issues and the like. The fact that I desire to be invisible above all else, although that's obviously stupid and impossible, concerns me greatly. To be honest, I'd rather just go home now, to get away from this all asap, but I can't do that for a number of reasons. I also wonder if that's even the right thing to do at all. But I know I don't want to stay in Orlando forever, though I don't want to be in PA either, and I have no money to go anywhere else.
I want to get away from Orlando, in large part, to put Disney behind me. This part of my life, this reliance on some big, stupid company that I barely like anymore, is over. The break with that had me in despair for quite a while, but now I'm ok with it. It's natural. I don't even go to the parks anymore, as I don't care. None of this matters for me in the long run. I'm glad it's the right thing for some people, and I hope they enjoy it, and being part of it, but I never truly have, and no amount of trying to talk myself into it is going to make that happen for me. I've enjoyed aspects, like when I've been able to enjoy the shows at FoLK or get to be all "yay, I'm a Toy!" and do that, but the guest-interaction part, the part I'm supposed to thrive on, has never mattered to me. I've been trying for six years, since my first College Program, and I felt strange being apart of it then. I'm meant to be a fan. Being "behind the scenes" is too close for me now. I'd rather the Disney Parks be a place that I can visit and enjoy, but not be chained to.
My other thought, about working creatively for the company, feels wrong as well. There's no artistic freedom with this company. The marketing gloss is poured all over everything, and even if one is able to make something that is unique and interesting, marketing will pretty much come up and destroy it. Let's save the "but Sam, you hardly qualify as an artistic anything!" argument for another time, but the point is, I feel like investing my entire soul in Disney has been a ridiculous choice overall. Important for me in some respects to have done so, and I don't regret it per-se, but yeah. It's over. Plus, let's be honest, I don't think I'll ever be someone who can lead a team to being great. I don't want that level of responsibility, I've realized. I'd love to be part of a creative process, making great work, or promoting it, or something, but I also want to be able to put it behind me sometimes and just go home and get away. I want a job that allows me to have enough to live comfortably, travel some, and not have to worry about working 100 hours a week to do it. What that thing is, I don't know. I wish I did. It's all so vague at the moment. There's a large, large part of me that is telling me to consider going back to school, if even for two years, to try and get a degree or certificate that will put me in a "real job" scenario. Something that I can do in multiple places, so I'm not tied to PA or FL, you know? Something like a paralegal, or a medical coder or something. These things don't really excite me, but maybe I can find something that does, that'll at least put me somewhere. I really want to be somewhere near the arts, though. Not even as a creative person, necessarily, but maybe helping with promotions or something. I'm researching stuff, but man, it's hard to narrow this down.
Sorry for the tl;dr, I'll stop now. In summation: probably going to get my ass fired from Disney soon, obligatory depression stuff, career confusion wut?!, and misc. Yeah baby! Gonna go and try to make more silly things out of Perler bead to distract myself now, yep yep.
I guess I thought things would be different by now. Better different. That I'd be 27, and I'd at least be somewhere on the path of what I want, and things would be clearer to me. Not necessarily. I do think that I see things better than I did before, but it's very possible that I'm *wrong* as well. I've been so afraid of looking away from an escapist fictional life that I let my actual life go down the toilet. I've defaulted on my student loans, because I avoided the fact that I couldn't afford them, and decided that it'd be better to waste the money on other stuff (what?!) I've screwed myself at Disney and am again walking the very thin tightrope of getting myself fired. 2012 was a bitch for me in a lot of respects, and my work attendance reflects it. I almost got fired from DRC for missing too much, (depression and just saying "fuck it" 100% the reason), then I switched to Toy, where I started there by being diagnosed with pneumonia and mono right away (but had no insurance and couldn't get a doctor's note to help me out), then let my depression take over and had random sick days, plus car trouble, plus having to call in for events that I couldn't get time off for... and this year, I've been sick once, late once, and now sick again (fucking stomach flu, I swear to God, I thought we were done!). I told myself I'd do a great job when Disney hired me back, and I'd do my best to make a career out of it, and I completely let it fall apart. Mind you, since October of 2011 I've realized that a Disney career isn't what I want at ALL, in any aspect of the company, but still. Being a derelict doesn't help, period, even if it's not my endgame.
I can't believe it's been almost a year at Toy. Almost a year, and I've now managed to acquire three reprimands. I'm trying to be much better about calling in this year, but because of my issues last year, that's where the third one is coming from. For fuck's sake, who does this?! (I know I'm not alone, but I still feel shitty as can be.)
I just feel like I'm falling apart. The older I get, the more I sink, that's not how it's supposed to go. Honestly, I'd be fine if I had to leave Disney behind forever, but the other jobs I've applied for haven't led anywhere yet, and I have obligations. I'm pretty sure I'm going home as soon as this lease is up, to try and reassess. I feel guilty doing that though, as well, given roommate issues and the like. The fact that I desire to be invisible above all else, although that's obviously stupid and impossible, concerns me greatly. To be honest, I'd rather just go home now, to get away from this all asap, but I can't do that for a number of reasons. I also wonder if that's even the right thing to do at all. But I know I don't want to stay in Orlando forever, though I don't want to be in PA either, and I have no money to go anywhere else.
I want to get away from Orlando, in large part, to put Disney behind me. This part of my life, this reliance on some big, stupid company that I barely like anymore, is over. The break with that had me in despair for quite a while, but now I'm ok with it. It's natural. I don't even go to the parks anymore, as I don't care. None of this matters for me in the long run. I'm glad it's the right thing for some people, and I hope they enjoy it, and being part of it, but I never truly have, and no amount of trying to talk myself into it is going to make that happen for me. I've enjoyed aspects, like when I've been able to enjoy the shows at FoLK or get to be all "yay, I'm a Toy!" and do that, but the guest-interaction part, the part I'm supposed to thrive on, has never mattered to me. I've been trying for six years, since my first College Program, and I felt strange being apart of it then. I'm meant to be a fan. Being "behind the scenes" is too close for me now. I'd rather the Disney Parks be a place that I can visit and enjoy, but not be chained to.
My other thought, about working creatively for the company, feels wrong as well. There's no artistic freedom with this company. The marketing gloss is poured all over everything, and even if one is able to make something that is unique and interesting, marketing will pretty much come up and destroy it. Let's save the "but Sam, you hardly qualify as an artistic anything!" argument for another time, but the point is, I feel like investing my entire soul in Disney has been a ridiculous choice overall. Important for me in some respects to have done so, and I don't regret it per-se, but yeah. It's over. Plus, let's be honest, I don't think I'll ever be someone who can lead a team to being great. I don't want that level of responsibility, I've realized. I'd love to be part of a creative process, making great work, or promoting it, or something, but I also want to be able to put it behind me sometimes and just go home and get away. I want a job that allows me to have enough to live comfortably, travel some, and not have to worry about working 100 hours a week to do it. What that thing is, I don't know. I wish I did. It's all so vague at the moment. There's a large, large part of me that is telling me to consider going back to school, if even for two years, to try and get a degree or certificate that will put me in a "real job" scenario. Something that I can do in multiple places, so I'm not tied to PA or FL, you know? Something like a paralegal, or a medical coder or something. These things don't really excite me, but maybe I can find something that does, that'll at least put me somewhere. I really want to be somewhere near the arts, though. Not even as a creative person, necessarily, but maybe helping with promotions or something. I'm researching stuff, but man, it's hard to narrow this down.
Sorry for the tl;dr, I'll stop now. In summation: probably going to get my ass fired from Disney soon, obligatory depression stuff, career confusion wut?!, and misc. Yeah baby! Gonna go and try to make more silly things out of Perler bead to distract myself now, yep yep.