A Real Update
I've been in a weird place lately, what with emotions I don't want to feel and all that. I feel like I have no idea who I am, still. Wondering if I will ever know.
My friendship with my good friend Matt is disintegrated. The insults he'd fling toward me became too much, and hurt me so deeply everytime, that I defriended him on Facebook and Xbox Live, letting him go. In turn, he blocked me, getting the final word again.
A lot of our friendship was super fun. Scotch, movie nights, random adventure. Some incredible support (echoing the sort of stuff I try to tell myself, about how I have great potential, etc), laughs, video game nerddom.
But then there's backhanded comments, ripping me apart for being a nerd and in turn shredding my self-esteem. Telling me that I will die alone. Making fun of me on Facebook, though in person he supports me.
I clung to him too much. I realized it the first time he said we were done, and I went on a crying jag for days. Then more stuff. His "you know you're gonna lose me, right?" when I said I'd leave drc. Guilt trips. Me getting absurdly upset over him having a new girlfriend (a mutual friend) who is a lot like me (but minus the extremes. Me but better). My friend at work overheard a destructive convo with Matt and whispered for me to not let him get to me. But I pushed a lot of that along, repeating my pattern of absurd negativity, being down quite a bit, ripping myself to shreds when my issues came up. *Sigh*.
I kept crying before I left drc, hell at work as well, mess that I am. Cried so much at the thought of losing Matt, who only gave me a half-hearted goodbye anyway then spent days posting negative shit to my Wall, which led to the defriending...
but it's weird, how much I miss him and can't fully articulate why.
I have been shitty the past few months, neglecting the friends who matter, being extremely vitriolic and cold... going to a couple of therapy sessions is helping to call me out on my crap, which is actually positive even as it hurts. I have a lot to do.
Toy Story has been ok. Difficult sometimes, but better than expected. Felt like death after 14 hours yesterday. Still do. My body is not cut out for this type of work, lol. But trying to have fun and it's working so far. :) Only 40 hours next week, thank Jesus. Never been so happy, swear to god, rofl.
Leaving it at that for now. So many more details in there, so perhaps I'll fill them in later. I miss having an online life, tbh.
Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.