Life needs a reset button
I’ve just been thinking lately of how many people I call my friends that I don’t know anymore. Honestly if they called me, I’d talk to them for hours. But how many changes would I recognize in them, and what would they notice about me that’s different than before? All I know is that I’m questioning everything right now. This past month I know I’ve become a different person. I’m not altogether sure that is a good thing, but I know that I can’t go back. I hate this complete feeling of being lost. It’s like struggling to stay afloat as the current drags you under. Yet is this something anyone else can see? I know how my thought processes have changed, but do my “friends”. I think I’m just going to give up on people in general. People who claim to be there and can’t even tell you are drowning are useless. I think I’ve come to better terms with these feelings of despair because they aren’t the same as the ones before. These are more permanent, like I’ve actually let go of that which I was holding on to. I know some people will be disappointed in me, yet instead of that keeping me in check; it’s more like I don’t want to deal with your judgments. I hate contemplating doing the things I never thought I would, and then doing them anyway because of my complete apathy for anything beautiful anymore. My insides are malfunctioning and there isn’t anything to fix it. I think I’m going crazy if I’m not already there. Yet I have new people, who listen for the time being. So do I depend on these new people or distrust them? I’m not quite sure what’s safe anymore. I’ve tried to play everything safe because no one else would. Mom’s trying to get help again, I *hope* it works. But I’m far too jaded by the past. Father’s Day past and I didn’t call the man. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do in the situation. It’s far too confusing. Indifference is a killer because things you should give a damn about all seem pointless. Meh.