Everything normal is beautiful
The past few days it seems like every morning I wake up wondering if some things will become settled today and go to bed with more confusion and more muddled thoughts than before.
I guess I’ve just been thinking a lot. Thinking about things I’ve done and things I’ve yet to do and embracing my own evolution.
Sometimes, there are moments when you just sit and let yourself become full with times you really loved and felt alive. Times of rough-housing with my brother, cooking with my family, play fighting, swimming with my friends, cleaning my room, making birthday cards, getting dressed up to go out, watching a full moon, being fascinated by nature, blowing bubbles, drinking Dr. Pepper on the front porch, sharing clothes with my sister, singing with my friends, taking walks with my friends, letting go of inhibitions, not being scared of certain feelings, being curious, developing plans, inside jokes and letters and photographs, long phone conversations, feeling at home where ever I am, missing people even if they don’t miss me, being nostalgic, being repetitive, being infatuated, depressed, scared, knowing it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to dance, and it’s okay to be honest.
I’ve learned that you have got to make the best of bad situations because there is no point in dwelling, that there are safe spots buried within everyone, that I do not need to be scared. I’ve learned to know who I am and to separate myself from people who may hinder that. I’ve learned that you do not need to be everything to everyone, just those who are everything to you.
I’m scared of giving myself away. I care what other people think too much.
I don’t even know what I want to say.
I love Lexie’s cooking, I love Sarah’s phonecalls, I love reuniting with people I haven’t talked to in a while, I love riding in the car with Chris, I love having study sessions with the AP girls (and boy), I love Carl’s laugh, I love Anna-Laura’s intellect, I love swapping pieces of our lunches with Liz, I love grocery shopping with John, I love all those people that have ever given me a smile, helped me with homework, given me a ride, or a hug, I love laughing over silly things, I love making up noises and words and games, I love getting texts even though I don’t promote them because they cost me, I love getting phone calls even more, I love the feeling of rest, and I love the feeling of being content.
I want to succeed, I want bruises from adventures, I want more sleepovers with boys, and girls, I want to jump on more trampolines and feel like I’m flying, I want to go to the park more often so I can swing and close my eyes and feel perfect, I wan tot go to the beach so I can dig my fingers into the sand and build sandcastles, I want to hear good music, I want passionate friends, I want to make beautiful art, I want hugs and kisses, I want peace.
My siblings and Zach are home. Everything seems more complete and good when the house is filled like this. Instead of just going up to my room in the dark when I get home at midnight I’m greeted by hugs and goodnights. Every dinner is a special dinner and we all cook and clean together instead of it being “Amy’s night”. The other night we went out together to the Station Inn and that was really nice…except that I wish I were 21 because it’s harder to hang out with my sister and her friends when they don’t know whether they’ll be going out somewhere I can’t or not so I have to go home. But whatev...and yesterday Sarah and I went out and got Ben’n’Jerrys and Naked juice from Fido’s and walked around and had our therapy session.
Saturday = work and Leslie T.
Sunday = blood drive and dinner party...cha’
Worthy update? ttyl kids
xoxo
I guess I’ve just been thinking a lot. Thinking about things I’ve done and things I’ve yet to do and embracing my own evolution.
Sometimes, there are moments when you just sit and let yourself become full with times you really loved and felt alive. Times of rough-housing with my brother, cooking with my family, play fighting, swimming with my friends, cleaning my room, making birthday cards, getting dressed up to go out, watching a full moon, being fascinated by nature, blowing bubbles, drinking Dr. Pepper on the front porch, sharing clothes with my sister, singing with my friends, taking walks with my friends, letting go of inhibitions, not being scared of certain feelings, being curious, developing plans, inside jokes and letters and photographs, long phone conversations, feeling at home where ever I am, missing people even if they don’t miss me, being nostalgic, being repetitive, being infatuated, depressed, scared, knowing it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to dance, and it’s okay to be honest.
I’ve learned that you have got to make the best of bad situations because there is no point in dwelling, that there are safe spots buried within everyone, that I do not need to be scared. I’ve learned to know who I am and to separate myself from people who may hinder that. I’ve learned that you do not need to be everything to everyone, just those who are everything to you.
I’m scared of giving myself away. I care what other people think too much.
I don’t even know what I want to say.
I love Lexie’s cooking, I love Sarah’s phonecalls, I love reuniting with people I haven’t talked to in a while, I love riding in the car with Chris, I love having study sessions with the AP girls (and boy), I love Carl’s laugh, I love Anna-Laura’s intellect, I love swapping pieces of our lunches with Liz, I love grocery shopping with John, I love all those people that have ever given me a smile, helped me with homework, given me a ride, or a hug, I love laughing over silly things, I love making up noises and words and games, I love getting texts even though I don’t promote them because they cost me, I love getting phone calls even more, I love the feeling of rest, and I love the feeling of being content.
I want to succeed, I want bruises from adventures, I want more sleepovers with boys, and girls, I want to jump on more trampolines and feel like I’m flying, I want to go to the park more often so I can swing and close my eyes and feel perfect, I wan tot go to the beach so I can dig my fingers into the sand and build sandcastles, I want to hear good music, I want passionate friends, I want to make beautiful art, I want hugs and kisses, I want peace.
My siblings and Zach are home. Everything seems more complete and good when the house is filled like this. Instead of just going up to my room in the dark when I get home at midnight I’m greeted by hugs and goodnights. Every dinner is a special dinner and we all cook and clean together instead of it being “Amy’s night”. The other night we went out together to the Station Inn and that was really nice…except that I wish I were 21 because it’s harder to hang out with my sister and her friends when they don’t know whether they’ll be going out somewhere I can’t or not so I have to go home. But whatev...and yesterday Sarah and I went out and got Ben’n’Jerrys and Naked juice from Fido’s and walked around and had our therapy session.
Saturday = work and Leslie T.
Sunday = blood drive and dinner party...cha’
Worthy update? ttyl kids
xoxo