005 afterthought
Afterthought
PG-13 | EunHae | Non-AU
Summary: And until now, he can't convince himself otherwise.
--
"We're okay now," Donghae tells Jungsoo.
Somehow, it gets better with every moment they spend outside the country. He doesn't know why exactly. All he knows is that Hyukjae seems a lot better now; and it equates to him being better, as well.
Jungsoo hurries back to his platoon head, his celebrity privilege has ended and it's time to get down to the real business. He gives Donghae and Hyukjae a quick hug, mumbling while fighting back his tears, weary because it hasn't even been half a year and his group has gone through an almost hell.
Hyukjae smiles sadly. He doesn't really want to spoil this swift meeting with his ugly crying. If anything, he immediately misses Jungsoo more. The hole in his chest isn't alleviated by watching him from afar or by hastily exchanging a few words. Instead, he feels a swelling - the hole has magnified.
He feels a clasp on his arm; Donghae is tugging at him to go back to the car. They have millions of things to do and a hundred thousand moves to perfect. "Let's go." He smiles, puts an arm across Donghae's shoulder and walks with him to the car.
As always, he fails to notice the miniscule sigh Donghae lets out. He also fails to notice how his smile is different these days - or how Donghae smiles at him differently than he does to other people.
--
It has come to Sungmin's attention that nobody is at the dorms other than him. He realizes how fun it is overseas where they're forced to stick together because they can't keep conversations in English or Mandarin and they won't survive 30 seconds outside without fans crowding and screaming their names.
Lost in his thought, he doesn't notice Donghae walking in, with a paper bag clasped to his chest.
"Is Hyukjae here?" He asks after greeting Sungmin.
Sungmin shrugs, "They weren't here when I woke up. Did you try his phone?"
"Ah," he slumps down on the sofa and tries calling Hyukjae's number. "Hey. Where are you?"
Grabbing the fridge's door, Sungmin tunes him out, silently wondering if Ryeowook cooked anything before heading out this morning. He pours milk onto his cereals and turns the coffee maker on. It's almost 11.
He concentrates on every bite, hearing the breaking of cereal flakes clearly from inside his mouth with each bite.
"Hyung?" Donghae shakes him from his zoning out. "I'm leaving."
"What? Why? Where's Hyuk?"
Donghae continues walking to the door. He shrugs when he catches Sungmin's eyes and heads outside.
Above, Sungmin watches Donghae's car as it slowly makes its way into the street and off to wherever it is he's going.
In the car, Donghae doesn't know exactly where he's driving to. Soon, road signs to Mokpo start appearing and he knows. Now, he knows where he's going.
He places a bouquet of flowers atop his Dad's grave, weeding out grass here and there as he begins his usual rituals.
When soju is poured, Donghae sits down beside the lump on the slope of the small hill, sighing. "Dad, Hyukjae's never going to be mine, is he?"
Of course, Hyukjae is never going to be Donghae's. Or part of him already is Donghae's, but he can't be his entirely.
For instance, he belongs to his fans. Donghae doesn't need anyone to tell him this because he already knows. Most of Hyukjae belong to the fans. The things he does, the choices he takes, the sleep he doesn't sleep, the dance tracks he choreographs, the secrets he keeps - most of it are for the fans.
Also, Hyukjae belongs to all the members of Super Junior - his hard work, his enthusiasm, his drive.
Perhaps, Eunhyuk belongs to him on stage.
But he needs so much more than that.
Hyukjae used to belong to him, Donghae thinks. "We used to be so happy together - so satisfied with just dreaming," he whispers. He stretches his legs and smiles, "But, anyway, we're okay now." As if his father needs convincing.
--
Hyukjae doesn't know why. Siwon asks him why Donghae left for home two days ago, leaving his managers scrambling to get his ass back to Seoul because Donghae you have magazine interviews and photoshoots and VTR recordings and concert rehearsals and you really don't have time to be so melodramatic about the things you're so melodramatic about.
All heads turn to Hyukjae's direction upon the questions, "Where did Donghae go?" and "Why the hell is he depressed as fuck this time?"
But Hyukjae doesn't know why.
One manager drives him to drag Donghae out of his house and back to Seoul because, seriously, they're all in deep shit if he doesn't manage to do this.
Donghae's mother answers the door and hugs the familiar frame of Hyukjae's body - which makes Hyukjae miss his own mother. "I'm glad you're here. Donghae's..."
She stops and gives Hyukjae a sad smile, instead.
Hyukjae is worried, of course, but this doesn't cancel out the fact that he still doesn't understand why he's always the one 'assigned' to get Donghae out of his running away fits.
That is a lie, he thinks as he walks upstairs to Donghae's room. He knows exactly why this is his task, and his alone. He knows why people expect him to deal with Donghae. He knows why people assume he'd be Donghae's shrink or something.
There's something different between us, he thinks. And it's not only because of the deep friendship that's been a constant sanctuary for both of them throughout the years. It's also because, once upon a time, back when they were inconsequential and unknown, Donghae was stupid enough to fall in love with Hyukjae. And when they were just on the verge of making it, Hyukjae's strict rules and counts were overwhelmed by this emotion, and he was stupid enough to love Donghae back.
He knocks.
Donghae mumbles a "come in" and he does come in, only to be greeted by Donghae's unkempt appearance - a stark contrast to the rest of the room.
"Hey," Hyukjae says as he closes the door. "How are you?"
"Grand, as you can see."
Hyukjae walks to the bed where Donghae is playing on his old PSP. "Do you want to talk about it? Whatever it is."
"I can't," Donghae responds abruptly, annoyance showing on his face because if Hyukjae keeps on bothering him, he'd surely lose this car game thing. "And I really don't want to."
--
Between Hyukjae's presence in his house and his mother's constant look of worry, Donghae opted for Hyukjae's less teary eyes.
Hyukjae drives because it has been forever his job to drive Donghae around.
A few hours of utmost, deafening silence doesn't bother Donghae at all.
When they reach Donghae’s apartment just outside Seoul, some thirty minutes away from the dorm, Hyukjae parks the car but doesn’t turn it off. He can’t bring himself to it.
"What is the problem, Donghae?" Because, to be honest, Hyukjae can't pinpoint the thing that has been bothering Donghae, especially since they have just moved on from a very recent scarring issue. "Enlighten me, or else, someone's skull is hitting the dashboard and we both know it's not going to be mine."
Donghae knows very well that the threat is empty. Hyukjae has never managed to hurt him physically. Well, not counting the brawls from before they had proper sense.
"Donghae, speak up."
He sighs, "It's you, okay? I just wanted to get away from you."
When Hyukjae's lips remain sealed, Donghae breathes deeply.
"So it doesn't help that you're here because you're the one I drove away from." Donghae readjusts his seatbelt needlessly. "Now, can I leave?"
"You can after you tell me why," Hyukjae responds. "Tell me what I did this time because you're being such a child, Donghae. You know you can't run away just like that just because someone did something you don't particularly like."
Donghae notices the rise in Hyukjae's voice and it hurts him. Hyukjae is so busy chiding him that he's not listening anymore. "Are you done criticizing me yet, Hyukjae? Or do you have a couple more up your sleeves?"
Apologetic instantly, Hyukjae's gaze softens and he clears his throat. "Tell me why, at least."
"You're impossible," Donghae starts. Hyukjae looks at him behind the hair that partially hides his eyes. "You're annoying and you're always there and I'm always there with you and it sucks because it's not true! It sucks because after the shit you've been through, you're going back to her again. And even if it's not her, there's always going to be some young girl you're going to date, some woman you're going to marry, someone you're going to love with all your shitty heart and it sucks completely because it's not me. It's never me."
Hyukjae's eyes are fixed on Donghae. He doesn't say anything. Instead, he wipes the tears about to fall from Donghae's eyes.
Donghae snarls. "You don't have to, you know? Nobody's watching. Besides, even if it's me who's always right beside you like a stupid leech, you don't ever need me. You don't ever see me. And it's okay - who cares, right? It's just one big awful show and let's take a bow, show's over, that was hilarious."
--
Ryeowook fixes him dinner and it tastes strangely of his mother's cooking so Donghae is almost jubilant. It, however, reminds him of last week's incident and Siwon's worried eyes when he gets off his car without a word - he had been waiting with Kyuhyun at Donghae’s apartment, refusing the hug he's offering him.
He doesn't see Hyukjae's drooping shoulders when he gets off the driver's seat. He doesn't see him hugging Siwon dejectedly, desperate of comfort in any form. He doesn't see Sungmin, on the 11th floor dormitory, coercing Hyukjae to sleep at around two in the morning because Hyukjae you need to sleep, at least, if you're not going to say anything.
Donghae escapes Ryeowook's intense gaze; he doesn't want to talk to anybody - it's stupid to talk about anything because he's sick of it.
"Hyung, more rice?"
"No, thanks," he says.
The younger nods and continues eating in silence, reluctant to ask about significant matters.
"Thank you for the food," Donghae says after the last spoonful of his soup. "And sorry for making you worry. You know it's going to be fine, right?"
Ryeowook smiles and nods. "I'm just a little concerned with you being the same old Donghae when everyone around you is changing fast, Hyung."
Donghae doesn't respond.
"You're really amazing, though, because you're still the same," Ryeowook continues. "Hyukjae-hyung, he... He's changed a lot. But we can't really blame him. We've all changed. So he... I think we should thank you for loving us all the same."
--
Hyukjae slips into Donghae's room quietly, a scarf on one hand and his phone on the other. The rest of the world is asleep, perhaps, he thinks.
Donghae is beyond surprised because someone has entered without him knowing. "Are you trying to kill me!"
"Shhh!" Hyukjae snickers and says, "Keep your voice down; you're going to wake everyone up, I swear."
"What time is it? What do you need?" Donghae suddenly remembers their not being on friendly terms.
"Half past one in the morning," Hyukjae says. "I just wanted to see why you weren't bothering to reply to my text messages."
Donghae sighs, exasperated, "Are you really going to pretend that everything is okay? Don't be such an asshole."
"Hey!" Hyukjae says. "I know I'm your least favorite person in the world right now, but I don't want you cursing me behind my back anymore." Donghae shifts on his seat, starting to close the apps on his phone. Hyukjae proceeds, "So I'm asking you out on a date."
"Right now?"
"No! It's freezing out there. Tomorrow?"
"And have some manager tag along with us? No way."
The rational part of Hyukjae refuses to go out on a winter night. The reckless part, however, wins and they head out to Hyukjae's car.
And so, they leave. Donghae's rational self is defeated, as well, because he gives in to Hyukjae, as always. He follows Hyukjae out of the dorms, ready to forgive him - already has forgiven him, for hurting him unconsciously. Hyukjae, on the other hand, takes deliberate actions, knowing that his best friend can only forgive him if he takes him by surprise and he has to do this even if it's freezing outside.
No, this doesn't mean anything more than two friends heading for coffee at such an ungodly hour. This doesn't mean anything, Donghae keeps thinking.
However, Donghae's words have etched themselves in some part of Hyukjae's brain and he's incessantly thinking, 'This stupid brat still loves me, after all the shit we've been through. After all the shitty things I’ve done.' And he understands. He understands entirely because whatever happens, whatever changes, Donghae is still his Donghae and nothing is ever going to change that.
"Stop trying too hard," Donghae mumbles while they are driving on their way to Donghae's apartment where they've decided to wait for the sunrise. He thinks of all the things Hyukjae does to be accepted, to feel loved, to feel that he’s done enough. "You don't have to try so hard, Hyukjae."
"I'm not trying hard or anything."
Donghae laughs and says, "You keep telling yourself that."
Reaching the driveway of the building, Hyukjae quickly scans the area for bystanders and saw nobody but the parking area security guard doing rounds. He proceeds to Donghae's parking space.
--
Hyukjae makes more coffee while Donghae fixes the TV and flips the channel endlessly.
This has been how they are since forever. Back then, Donghae was convinced he'd never go hungry because Hyukjae can do the cooking or buy him food forever. Back then, Hyukjae was convinced that this is what happiness looks like. Back then, things were already slightly complicated, but it was offset by the genuine happiness he felt. Back then, Donghae was really, really in love. And Hyukjae was also really, really in love with him. And until now, he can't convince himself otherwise.
"Donghae?" Their feet and legs are tangled atop the coffee table. Donghae has put on an animated film about ogres.
"Hm?" He's not angry anymore; but he will be again, in a couple of days when he finds Hyukjae sending messages and smiling like an idiot at his phone. But, right now, he isn't anymore.
Hyukjae kisses the tip of his nose because he feels like it, "You know how I feel about you, don't you?"
"I don't, actually. This shit we do is confusing, to be honest."
"Please keep it in mind because I can't tell you this all the time," Hyukjae says. "I do love you."
Donghae's breathing hitches because Hyukjae hasn't told him this for a long time and he checks but there are no secret cameras.
"That will never change."
--
Henry beams at Donghae as he enters the practice room two minutes after Hyukjae does.
Rehearsals start again as fan meetings are scheduled and concerts are confirmed and there are more dance routines to perfect once again and Donghae wants nothing of it, but Hyukjae persuades him because this is what you want Donghae, this is what you ever so wanted.
They fall into a routine again, hold my hand at this moment, then I’ll say something suggestive, glance at me every once in a while, pretend to slap my face because, I don’t know, fans go crazy at that. It practically exhausts Donghae to hear all this from Hyukjae; he doesn’t like to be told what to do. Besides, it’s not like he’s never done this before.
Hyukjae grins as Donghae rolls his eyes at him.
Sungmin comments aloud how these two idiots are at it again, stupid fan service. Siwon hears this and dashes to the two alleged idiots and demands for his own fan service; but Hyukjae doesn’t want to.
Donghae watches the two bicker, because Siwon argues how much people like him and Donghae exclusively, even more than they like this EunHae thing that they do. “Why can’t you share Donghae?” Siwon mumbles, “It’s not like he’s yours, anyway.”
“I am,” Donghae chirps in.
Hyukjae hits the back of his head, “Idiot.”
And Donghae proceeds on strangling his neck but why the heck is this anchovy so swift! The practice room is filled with yells and laughter and one of them calls for order but nobody listens. It’s as if nothing bad has ever happened to them. Ever.
Donghae sends Heechul a picture of Hyukjae’s eyes he took while the other was sleeping. He types in a message saying how handsome this guy is, Hyung, you’re blind if you insist that he’s ugly.
Heechul replies to him curtly that this ugly guy is handsome only in your eyes and that you should sleep in your own apartment, Donghae, don’t be such a fanboy, it’s not healthy. Heechul wants to remind him of Hyukjae’s list of girlfriends but he stops himself, with Donghae’s happiness in mind.
He smiles and steals a kiss before he goes out, and he doesn’t know. He doesn’t really know why he’s such a girl or a child or a fanboy when it comes to Hyukjae. He doesn’t know, but he doesn’t care, at all. He refuses to deprive himself of the happiness of being with Hyukjae - because why would anybody do that? Isn’t happiness the ultimate reason for human existence?
The car is stuck in late night traffic but he doesn’t care. He remembers how impossibly hectic the past week was, how tired they were but how happy they all had been.
His door is closed and his bed is half-empty and he wants Hyukjae to fill the empty space on this bed like he does on the tiniest crevices in his brain. He sighs, because the first and the probably last thought of his day is Hyukjae and this is just preposterous, Donghae. You’re the first and last thought of maybe a hundred girls in the world but it’s all Hyukjae for you. All. The. Time.
--
When Donghae wakes up, Hyukjae is by his side, his arms laced through Donghae’s body, his lips slightly agape. Donghae is surprised, am I still dreaming? He pinches his arm and pokes Hyukjae’s face and decides this is real. Some higher power has enabled him to conjure Hyukjae here, probably by magic, and he guffaws because now he has magic powers.
Hyukjae stirs and readjusts his body against Donghae’s, “Shuttup.”
“I have magic,” he tells Hyukjae.
“No,” Hyukjae says, “You have morning breath.”
Donghae checks and he doesn’t but Hyukjae doesn’t, as well, and that is weird, why does Hyukjae smell like toothpaste?
“Why did you leave last night?”
“Because I have a house?”
“Don’t go smart on me,” Hyukjae yawns and stretches, only to go back to hugging Donghae. “I don’t really enjoy waking up without you.”
Donghae can’t decide - do I become sad because there is no magic or do I become happy because there is Hyukjae, anyway, and it feels like ma-. “Ugh, it’s too early in the morning to be a fanboy,” he scolds himself.
Hyukjae snickers because he thinks he knows what Donghae’s thinking and he stands up, “I bought breakfast, get up so we can eat.”
And Donghae finds himself falling all over again - it’s all too easy to love this stupid, noncommittal person, he admits.
He follows Hyukjae out the door and into the kitchen, where Hyukjae is plating what smells like waffles. He places two cups of hot chocolate atop the table, and Donghae proceeds to turning the TV on and switching the channels so he can watch music videos of international artists with names he can’t pronounce correctly.
Hyukjae feeds him a bite and he tastes cinnamon and he gives him two thumbs up because he likes cinnamon and Hyukjae says, “I know you like cinnamon.”
Donghae feeds Hyukjae, too, so that they’re quits.
Hyukjae has a few more hours to spare before facing the world, again, but he figures that a few minutes of this, with Donghae, is more than enough to sustain him. His life is particularly difficult, and people will always have snide remarks towards him now, but it doesn’t matter.
Donghae smiles at him for a fraction of a second, then goes back to eating his waffle. He watches him eat and notices how adorable his chewing is. He kisses Donghae’s lips and it lasts for a moment - maybe a lifetime, and Donghae is surprised so he glares at Hyukjae, mad at him for stealing a kiss.
Hyukjae shrugs like it’s no big deal when it’s obviously a very big deal and he feels so, so happy. He starts eating, as well, as the ‘violated’ Donghae continues to glare at him. He sighs, “Fine. I’ll kiss you longer next time.”
Donghae kicks his shin and chuckles slightly, careful not to choke on his food.
Hyukjae decides this is it. I would never want anything other than this.
----
A/N: | *This is for my lovely Ayaka, happy birthday! I hope you won’t be making plans of murdering me this time. :D Have fun at SS5! | *Also, this is just me making sense of my emotions. I do wish I can be like Donghae, loving all of them regardless of the things they do or the choices they make or the steps they take. I just wish I can love Hyukjae them all regardless. /sighs | Also, I’m so not going to go through the ordeal of writing a non-AU fic again anytime soon; it just takes too much energy and emotions and pains and life in general. OTL | Edit: Also, I thank ascalpeladay for the free consultation re: this fic and my life in general! |
PG-13 | EunHae | Non-AU
Summary: And until now, he can't convince himself otherwise.
--
"We're okay now," Donghae tells Jungsoo.
Somehow, it gets better with every moment they spend outside the country. He doesn't know why exactly. All he knows is that Hyukjae seems a lot better now; and it equates to him being better, as well.
Jungsoo hurries back to his platoon head, his celebrity privilege has ended and it's time to get down to the real business. He gives Donghae and Hyukjae a quick hug, mumbling while fighting back his tears, weary because it hasn't even been half a year and his group has gone through an almost hell.
Hyukjae smiles sadly. He doesn't really want to spoil this swift meeting with his ugly crying. If anything, he immediately misses Jungsoo more. The hole in his chest isn't alleviated by watching him from afar or by hastily exchanging a few words. Instead, he feels a swelling - the hole has magnified.
He feels a clasp on his arm; Donghae is tugging at him to go back to the car. They have millions of things to do and a hundred thousand moves to perfect. "Let's go." He smiles, puts an arm across Donghae's shoulder and walks with him to the car.
As always, he fails to notice the miniscule sigh Donghae lets out. He also fails to notice how his smile is different these days - or how Donghae smiles at him differently than he does to other people.
--
It has come to Sungmin's attention that nobody is at the dorms other than him. He realizes how fun it is overseas where they're forced to stick together because they can't keep conversations in English or Mandarin and they won't survive 30 seconds outside without fans crowding and screaming their names.
Lost in his thought, he doesn't notice Donghae walking in, with a paper bag clasped to his chest.
"Is Hyukjae here?" He asks after greeting Sungmin.
Sungmin shrugs, "They weren't here when I woke up. Did you try his phone?"
"Ah," he slumps down on the sofa and tries calling Hyukjae's number. "Hey. Where are you?"
Grabbing the fridge's door, Sungmin tunes him out, silently wondering if Ryeowook cooked anything before heading out this morning. He pours milk onto his cereals and turns the coffee maker on. It's almost 11.
He concentrates on every bite, hearing the breaking of cereal flakes clearly from inside his mouth with each bite.
"Hyung?" Donghae shakes him from his zoning out. "I'm leaving."
"What? Why? Where's Hyuk?"
Donghae continues walking to the door. He shrugs when he catches Sungmin's eyes and heads outside.
Above, Sungmin watches Donghae's car as it slowly makes its way into the street and off to wherever it is he's going.
In the car, Donghae doesn't know exactly where he's driving to. Soon, road signs to Mokpo start appearing and he knows. Now, he knows where he's going.
He places a bouquet of flowers atop his Dad's grave, weeding out grass here and there as he begins his usual rituals.
When soju is poured, Donghae sits down beside the lump on the slope of the small hill, sighing. "Dad, Hyukjae's never going to be mine, is he?"
Of course, Hyukjae is never going to be Donghae's. Or part of him already is Donghae's, but he can't be his entirely.
For instance, he belongs to his fans. Donghae doesn't need anyone to tell him this because he already knows. Most of Hyukjae belong to the fans. The things he does, the choices he takes, the sleep he doesn't sleep, the dance tracks he choreographs, the secrets he keeps - most of it are for the fans.
Also, Hyukjae belongs to all the members of Super Junior - his hard work, his enthusiasm, his drive.
Perhaps, Eunhyuk belongs to him on stage.
But he needs so much more than that.
Hyukjae used to belong to him, Donghae thinks. "We used to be so happy together - so satisfied with just dreaming," he whispers. He stretches his legs and smiles, "But, anyway, we're okay now." As if his father needs convincing.
--
Hyukjae doesn't know why. Siwon asks him why Donghae left for home two days ago, leaving his managers scrambling to get his ass back to Seoul because Donghae you have magazine interviews and photoshoots and VTR recordings and concert rehearsals and you really don't have time to be so melodramatic about the things you're so melodramatic about.
All heads turn to Hyukjae's direction upon the questions, "Where did Donghae go?" and "Why the hell is he depressed as fuck this time?"
But Hyukjae doesn't know why.
One manager drives him to drag Donghae out of his house and back to Seoul because, seriously, they're all in deep shit if he doesn't manage to do this.
Donghae's mother answers the door and hugs the familiar frame of Hyukjae's body - which makes Hyukjae miss his own mother. "I'm glad you're here. Donghae's..."
She stops and gives Hyukjae a sad smile, instead.
Hyukjae is worried, of course, but this doesn't cancel out the fact that he still doesn't understand why he's always the one 'assigned' to get Donghae out of his running away fits.
That is a lie, he thinks as he walks upstairs to Donghae's room. He knows exactly why this is his task, and his alone. He knows why people expect him to deal with Donghae. He knows why people assume he'd be Donghae's shrink or something.
There's something different between us, he thinks. And it's not only because of the deep friendship that's been a constant sanctuary for both of them throughout the years. It's also because, once upon a time, back when they were inconsequential and unknown, Donghae was stupid enough to fall in love with Hyukjae. And when they were just on the verge of making it, Hyukjae's strict rules and counts were overwhelmed by this emotion, and he was stupid enough to love Donghae back.
He knocks.
Donghae mumbles a "come in" and he does come in, only to be greeted by Donghae's unkempt appearance - a stark contrast to the rest of the room.
"Hey," Hyukjae says as he closes the door. "How are you?"
"Grand, as you can see."
Hyukjae walks to the bed where Donghae is playing on his old PSP. "Do you want to talk about it? Whatever it is."
"I can't," Donghae responds abruptly, annoyance showing on his face because if Hyukjae keeps on bothering him, he'd surely lose this car game thing. "And I really don't want to."
--
Between Hyukjae's presence in his house and his mother's constant look of worry, Donghae opted for Hyukjae's less teary eyes.
Hyukjae drives because it has been forever his job to drive Donghae around.
A few hours of utmost, deafening silence doesn't bother Donghae at all.
When they reach Donghae’s apartment just outside Seoul, some thirty minutes away from the dorm, Hyukjae parks the car but doesn’t turn it off. He can’t bring himself to it.
"What is the problem, Donghae?" Because, to be honest, Hyukjae can't pinpoint the thing that has been bothering Donghae, especially since they have just moved on from a very recent scarring issue. "Enlighten me, or else, someone's skull is hitting the dashboard and we both know it's not going to be mine."
Donghae knows very well that the threat is empty. Hyukjae has never managed to hurt him physically. Well, not counting the brawls from before they had proper sense.
"Donghae, speak up."
He sighs, "It's you, okay? I just wanted to get away from you."
When Hyukjae's lips remain sealed, Donghae breathes deeply.
"So it doesn't help that you're here because you're the one I drove away from." Donghae readjusts his seatbelt needlessly. "Now, can I leave?"
"You can after you tell me why," Hyukjae responds. "Tell me what I did this time because you're being such a child, Donghae. You know you can't run away just like that just because someone did something you don't particularly like."
Donghae notices the rise in Hyukjae's voice and it hurts him. Hyukjae is so busy chiding him that he's not listening anymore. "Are you done criticizing me yet, Hyukjae? Or do you have a couple more up your sleeves?"
Apologetic instantly, Hyukjae's gaze softens and he clears his throat. "Tell me why, at least."
"You're impossible," Donghae starts. Hyukjae looks at him behind the hair that partially hides his eyes. "You're annoying and you're always there and I'm always there with you and it sucks because it's not true! It sucks because after the shit you've been through, you're going back to her again. And even if it's not her, there's always going to be some young girl you're going to date, some woman you're going to marry, someone you're going to love with all your shitty heart and it sucks completely because it's not me. It's never me."
Hyukjae's eyes are fixed on Donghae. He doesn't say anything. Instead, he wipes the tears about to fall from Donghae's eyes.
Donghae snarls. "You don't have to, you know? Nobody's watching. Besides, even if it's me who's always right beside you like a stupid leech, you don't ever need me. You don't ever see me. And it's okay - who cares, right? It's just one big awful show and let's take a bow, show's over, that was hilarious."
--
Ryeowook fixes him dinner and it tastes strangely of his mother's cooking so Donghae is almost jubilant. It, however, reminds him of last week's incident and Siwon's worried eyes when he gets off his car without a word - he had been waiting with Kyuhyun at Donghae’s apartment, refusing the hug he's offering him.
He doesn't see Hyukjae's drooping shoulders when he gets off the driver's seat. He doesn't see him hugging Siwon dejectedly, desperate of comfort in any form. He doesn't see Sungmin, on the 11th floor dormitory, coercing Hyukjae to sleep at around two in the morning because Hyukjae you need to sleep, at least, if you're not going to say anything.
Donghae escapes Ryeowook's intense gaze; he doesn't want to talk to anybody - it's stupid to talk about anything because he's sick of it.
"Hyung, more rice?"
"No, thanks," he says.
The younger nods and continues eating in silence, reluctant to ask about significant matters.
"Thank you for the food," Donghae says after the last spoonful of his soup. "And sorry for making you worry. You know it's going to be fine, right?"
Ryeowook smiles and nods. "I'm just a little concerned with you being the same old Donghae when everyone around you is changing fast, Hyung."
Donghae doesn't respond.
"You're really amazing, though, because you're still the same," Ryeowook continues. "Hyukjae-hyung, he... He's changed a lot. But we can't really blame him. We've all changed. So he... I think we should thank you for loving us all the same."
--
Hyukjae slips into Donghae's room quietly, a scarf on one hand and his phone on the other. The rest of the world is asleep, perhaps, he thinks.
Donghae is beyond surprised because someone has entered without him knowing. "Are you trying to kill me!"
"Shhh!" Hyukjae snickers and says, "Keep your voice down; you're going to wake everyone up, I swear."
"What time is it? What do you need?" Donghae suddenly remembers their not being on friendly terms.
"Half past one in the morning," Hyukjae says. "I just wanted to see why you weren't bothering to reply to my text messages."
Donghae sighs, exasperated, "Are you really going to pretend that everything is okay? Don't be such an asshole."
"Hey!" Hyukjae says. "I know I'm your least favorite person in the world right now, but I don't want you cursing me behind my back anymore." Donghae shifts on his seat, starting to close the apps on his phone. Hyukjae proceeds, "So I'm asking you out on a date."
"Right now?"
"No! It's freezing out there. Tomorrow?"
"And have some manager tag along with us? No way."
The rational part of Hyukjae refuses to go out on a winter night. The reckless part, however, wins and they head out to Hyukjae's car.
And so, they leave. Donghae's rational self is defeated, as well, because he gives in to Hyukjae, as always. He follows Hyukjae out of the dorms, ready to forgive him - already has forgiven him, for hurting him unconsciously. Hyukjae, on the other hand, takes deliberate actions, knowing that his best friend can only forgive him if he takes him by surprise and he has to do this even if it's freezing outside.
No, this doesn't mean anything more than two friends heading for coffee at such an ungodly hour. This doesn't mean anything, Donghae keeps thinking.
However, Donghae's words have etched themselves in some part of Hyukjae's brain and he's incessantly thinking, 'This stupid brat still loves me, after all the shit we've been through. After all the shitty things I’ve done.' And he understands. He understands entirely because whatever happens, whatever changes, Donghae is still his Donghae and nothing is ever going to change that.
"Stop trying too hard," Donghae mumbles while they are driving on their way to Donghae's apartment where they've decided to wait for the sunrise. He thinks of all the things Hyukjae does to be accepted, to feel loved, to feel that he’s done enough. "You don't have to try so hard, Hyukjae."
"I'm not trying hard or anything."
Donghae laughs and says, "You keep telling yourself that."
Reaching the driveway of the building, Hyukjae quickly scans the area for bystanders and saw nobody but the parking area security guard doing rounds. He proceeds to Donghae's parking space.
--
Hyukjae makes more coffee while Donghae fixes the TV and flips the channel endlessly.
This has been how they are since forever. Back then, Donghae was convinced he'd never go hungry because Hyukjae can do the cooking or buy him food forever. Back then, Hyukjae was convinced that this is what happiness looks like. Back then, things were already slightly complicated, but it was offset by the genuine happiness he felt. Back then, Donghae was really, really in love. And Hyukjae was also really, really in love with him. And until now, he can't convince himself otherwise.
"Donghae?" Their feet and legs are tangled atop the coffee table. Donghae has put on an animated film about ogres.
"Hm?" He's not angry anymore; but he will be again, in a couple of days when he finds Hyukjae sending messages and smiling like an idiot at his phone. But, right now, he isn't anymore.
Hyukjae kisses the tip of his nose because he feels like it, "You know how I feel about you, don't you?"
"I don't, actually. This shit we do is confusing, to be honest."
"Please keep it in mind because I can't tell you this all the time," Hyukjae says. "I do love you."
Donghae's breathing hitches because Hyukjae hasn't told him this for a long time and he checks but there are no secret cameras.
"That will never change."
--
Henry beams at Donghae as he enters the practice room two minutes after Hyukjae does.
Rehearsals start again as fan meetings are scheduled and concerts are confirmed and there are more dance routines to perfect once again and Donghae wants nothing of it, but Hyukjae persuades him because this is what you want Donghae, this is what you ever so wanted.
They fall into a routine again, hold my hand at this moment, then I’ll say something suggestive, glance at me every once in a while, pretend to slap my face because, I don’t know, fans go crazy at that. It practically exhausts Donghae to hear all this from Hyukjae; he doesn’t like to be told what to do. Besides, it’s not like he’s never done this before.
Hyukjae grins as Donghae rolls his eyes at him.
Sungmin comments aloud how these two idiots are at it again, stupid fan service. Siwon hears this and dashes to the two alleged idiots and demands for his own fan service; but Hyukjae doesn’t want to.
Donghae watches the two bicker, because Siwon argues how much people like him and Donghae exclusively, even more than they like this EunHae thing that they do. “Why can’t you share Donghae?” Siwon mumbles, “It’s not like he’s yours, anyway.”
“I am,” Donghae chirps in.
Hyukjae hits the back of his head, “Idiot.”
And Donghae proceeds on strangling his neck but why the heck is this anchovy so swift! The practice room is filled with yells and laughter and one of them calls for order but nobody listens. It’s as if nothing bad has ever happened to them. Ever.
Donghae sends Heechul a picture of Hyukjae’s eyes he took while the other was sleeping. He types in a message saying how handsome this guy is, Hyung, you’re blind if you insist that he’s ugly.
Heechul replies to him curtly that this ugly guy is handsome only in your eyes and that you should sleep in your own apartment, Donghae, don’t be such a fanboy, it’s not healthy. Heechul wants to remind him of Hyukjae’s list of girlfriends but he stops himself, with Donghae’s happiness in mind.
He smiles and steals a kiss before he goes out, and he doesn’t know. He doesn’t really know why he’s such a girl or a child or a fanboy when it comes to Hyukjae. He doesn’t know, but he doesn’t care, at all. He refuses to deprive himself of the happiness of being with Hyukjae - because why would anybody do that? Isn’t happiness the ultimate reason for human existence?
The car is stuck in late night traffic but he doesn’t care. He remembers how impossibly hectic the past week was, how tired they were but how happy they all had been.
His door is closed and his bed is half-empty and he wants Hyukjae to fill the empty space on this bed like he does on the tiniest crevices in his brain. He sighs, because the first and the probably last thought of his day is Hyukjae and this is just preposterous, Donghae. You’re the first and last thought of maybe a hundred girls in the world but it’s all Hyukjae for you. All. The. Time.
--
When Donghae wakes up, Hyukjae is by his side, his arms laced through Donghae’s body, his lips slightly agape. Donghae is surprised, am I still dreaming? He pinches his arm and pokes Hyukjae’s face and decides this is real. Some higher power has enabled him to conjure Hyukjae here, probably by magic, and he guffaws because now he has magic powers.
Hyukjae stirs and readjusts his body against Donghae’s, “Shuttup.”
“I have magic,” he tells Hyukjae.
“No,” Hyukjae says, “You have morning breath.”
Donghae checks and he doesn’t but Hyukjae doesn’t, as well, and that is weird, why does Hyukjae smell like toothpaste?
“Why did you leave last night?”
“Because I have a house?”
“Don’t go smart on me,” Hyukjae yawns and stretches, only to go back to hugging Donghae. “I don’t really enjoy waking up without you.”
Donghae can’t decide - do I become sad because there is no magic or do I become happy because there is Hyukjae, anyway, and it feels like ma-. “Ugh, it’s too early in the morning to be a fanboy,” he scolds himself.
Hyukjae snickers because he thinks he knows what Donghae’s thinking and he stands up, “I bought breakfast, get up so we can eat.”
And Donghae finds himself falling all over again - it’s all too easy to love this stupid, noncommittal person, he admits.
He follows Hyukjae out the door and into the kitchen, where Hyukjae is plating what smells like waffles. He places two cups of hot chocolate atop the table, and Donghae proceeds to turning the TV on and switching the channels so he can watch music videos of international artists with names he can’t pronounce correctly.
Hyukjae feeds him a bite and he tastes cinnamon and he gives him two thumbs up because he likes cinnamon and Hyukjae says, “I know you like cinnamon.”
Donghae feeds Hyukjae, too, so that they’re quits.
Hyukjae has a few more hours to spare before facing the world, again, but he figures that a few minutes of this, with Donghae, is more than enough to sustain him. His life is particularly difficult, and people will always have snide remarks towards him now, but it doesn’t matter.
Donghae smiles at him for a fraction of a second, then goes back to eating his waffle. He watches him eat and notices how adorable his chewing is. He kisses Donghae’s lips and it lasts for a moment - maybe a lifetime, and Donghae is surprised so he glares at Hyukjae, mad at him for stealing a kiss.
Hyukjae shrugs like it’s no big deal when it’s obviously a very big deal and he feels so, so happy. He starts eating, as well, as the ‘violated’ Donghae continues to glare at him. He sighs, “Fine. I’ll kiss you longer next time.”
Donghae kicks his shin and chuckles slightly, careful not to choke on his food.
Hyukjae decides this is it. I would never want anything other than this.
----
A/N: | *This is for my lovely Ayaka, happy birthday! I hope you won’t be making plans of murdering me this time. :D Have fun at SS5! | *Also, this is just me making sense of my emotions. I do wish I can be like Donghae, loving all of them regardless of the things they do or the choices they make or the steps they take. I just wish I can love Hyukjae them all regardless. /sighs | Also, I’m so not going to go through the ordeal of writing a non-AU fic again anytime soon; it just takes too much energy and emotions and pains and life in general. OTL | Edit: Also, I thank ascalpeladay for the free consultation re: this fic and my life in general! |