parents
it wasn't until college that an actual relationship formed between my parents and myself. in high school they were just there. i said hello to them. told them about my day, and would say the occasional 'i love you'.
i've always been closer to my mom. maybe because she had a job that let out sooner than my dad's did. she was always there to bring me home from school. always there in the morning to wake me up. she was also not the disciplinarian.
my dad left earlier and worked later. i would only see him for a few hours a day. i know there was a time when he was my hero, but that was a long time ago. my dad instilled the fear of god in me at a young age. you never talk back, always take your punishment, and don't give attitude.
i know i can't argue back with my mom, but i also know that she'll hear my side or my point. my dad never listens. he can yell at me but i can't yell back at him. he'll say his peace and i can't have mine. its his way or the highway. i feel so frustrated talking to him, or actually the lack of communication.
i am 18, i am considered an adult by society's standards yet i get yelled at about cleaning my room. he's even resorted to waking me up at 7am to clean for 10 minutes, then allowing me to go back to bed. he treats me like i'm five years old again. i'm in college, i have homework, i have tests and finals to study for. how about we make a trade-off? he does my algebra homework, and passes my finals, and i'll clean my room and do the dishes. how does that sound?
i clean my room when he tells me to. but he never checks to make sure its clean, and when he does check its been weeks and its no longer clean, and then he yells that i never cleaned it. but can i say anything back, tell him the truth? no.
i'm an adult, and i still cower away from him like i did when i was a child. and he wonders why i want to live on campus.
i hate that i can't stand up to him. i hate that i'm afraid to stand up to him. and i hate that he's made me the way i am. i hate how i hear him walking down the hall and i hold my breathe, waiting...hoping he'll pass by my door. not knock on it, or just open it. that he'll leave me alone, let me disappear for a while.
i'm always wondering what i will do next to make him upset at me. what will i do next to let him down. what will i do next that will deserve him yelling at me.
i don't know, maybe i'm a bad daughter. maybe i don't live up to his expectations. i try to do what he tells me to do, but sometimes i get distracted and i forget. i know he loves me, but sometimes he has a funny way of showing it.
people always tell me what a nice father i have. i always look at them and say 'oh yeah, well don't make him angry'. and they just laugh and say 'oh val'. they don't know how he can really act.
i just want to escape. be on my own. not have to answer to anyone, especially my dad.
i used to think about that if my parents were to ever divorce, which parent would i choose. without hesitation i would say my mom, and not think twice. i wonder why.
so i will try to make him happy, do what he says, and hope that one day he will see all that i try to do.
peace~
i've always been closer to my mom. maybe because she had a job that let out sooner than my dad's did. she was always there to bring me home from school. always there in the morning to wake me up. she was also not the disciplinarian.
my dad left earlier and worked later. i would only see him for a few hours a day. i know there was a time when he was my hero, but that was a long time ago. my dad instilled the fear of god in me at a young age. you never talk back, always take your punishment, and don't give attitude.
i know i can't argue back with my mom, but i also know that she'll hear my side or my point. my dad never listens. he can yell at me but i can't yell back at him. he'll say his peace and i can't have mine. its his way or the highway. i feel so frustrated talking to him, or actually the lack of communication.
i am 18, i am considered an adult by society's standards yet i get yelled at about cleaning my room. he's even resorted to waking me up at 7am to clean for 10 minutes, then allowing me to go back to bed. he treats me like i'm five years old again. i'm in college, i have homework, i have tests and finals to study for. how about we make a trade-off? he does my algebra homework, and passes my finals, and i'll clean my room and do the dishes. how does that sound?
i clean my room when he tells me to. but he never checks to make sure its clean, and when he does check its been weeks and its no longer clean, and then he yells that i never cleaned it. but can i say anything back, tell him the truth? no.
i'm an adult, and i still cower away from him like i did when i was a child. and he wonders why i want to live on campus.
i hate that i can't stand up to him. i hate that i'm afraid to stand up to him. and i hate that he's made me the way i am. i hate how i hear him walking down the hall and i hold my breathe, waiting...hoping he'll pass by my door. not knock on it, or just open it. that he'll leave me alone, let me disappear for a while.
i'm always wondering what i will do next to make him upset at me. what will i do next to let him down. what will i do next that will deserve him yelling at me.
i don't know, maybe i'm a bad daughter. maybe i don't live up to his expectations. i try to do what he tells me to do, but sometimes i get distracted and i forget. i know he loves me, but sometimes he has a funny way of showing it.
people always tell me what a nice father i have. i always look at them and say 'oh yeah, well don't make him angry'. and they just laugh and say 'oh val'. they don't know how he can really act.
i just want to escape. be on my own. not have to answer to anyone, especially my dad.
i used to think about that if my parents were to ever divorce, which parent would i choose. without hesitation i would say my mom, and not think twice. i wonder why.
so i will try to make him happy, do what he says, and hope that one day he will see all that i try to do.
peace~