The Actor: Part 1.
So i was thinking, since its something i like to do on my downtime, about what exactly makes a good actor. Why is Brad Pitt consistantly the fucking man while John Stamos is the laughing stock of America? The answer is, i have no fucking idea. There is however, one thing that i can be damned sure about: If i were a hollywood actor worth any kind of decent sized contract, i'd throw in a few clauses of my own to make sure i turned out more like Tyler Durden than Uncle Jesse.
Mike's Personal Acting Contract Requests:
1. The character I portray can never die in the film, except for certain specific scenarios of self sacrifice:
This is a pretty simple one, i guess. I dont want to die in the movie, because if you die early in the movie, you cant have much of an impact on its results. If you dont have much of an impact on the movie's results, you're obviously not the star. Get it? Not to mention that there's few things more damning to an actor's career than being known as "that guy who got killed by that anaconda/king cobra/gigantic spider like alien creature/freddie krueger/etc. The only time i will allow my character to die is if it's in the final few scenes of the movie, and if its either self sacrificial, heroic, or awesome. Im okay with getting shot up by in the final scenes of the movie by someone like Brad Pitt. This brings me to my next clause:
2. Always Star in Movies with Brad Pitt:
Again, pretty self explanatory. Brad Pitt is the fucking man. He's a tier 1 actor, and just about everything he makes does well with critics and fans alike. This is a rare situation, and the only guy i can think of that has such dual appeal is Leo Dicaprio. The problem with Dicap is that he makes one film every 7 years, and its usually a self indulgent biopic directed by an even more self indulgent director (Marty, you're exempt from this one.) The way i see it, if im in a movie with Brad Pitt, im starring, and im not dying until the very end, if at all, this cant do anything but help my career. I'd be his sidekick, go-to guy, and actors filling those roles have done pretty well for themselves if you think about it. Fight Club - Ed Norton. Oceans 11 through 29 - Clooney, Damon. 12 Monkeys - Bruce Willis. Interview with the Vampire - Well, you get the idea.
There are more but im kinda tired right now. Those should basically explain a lot of what im thinking though. Obviously this is a joke and i doubt there are any Hollywood Studios out there that would agree to such ridiculous contractual clauses, but thats where the fun is. IF I COULD get away with it, i'd avoid asking for more money, Hillary Duff's phone number or 39 Dodge Vipers. Just a no death clause, and permanent casting alongside Brad Pitt.