(no subject)
the pain in my stomach recedes for a bit and i loose myself watching the shadows the cieling fan leaves on the walls. the slant in the roof means that they get longer and longer and then shorter and shorter, till by end of fan's arc theyre nothing but a black outline of the blade. but look how long they are just a few feet away, a whole armspan of sickly shadow on a wall painted sickly yellow and illuminated by a weak, flickering bulb. pain again...i shouldnt have eaten that sushi. i wish the cause of this all were somehow more dramatic, perhaps dyptheria contracted from drinking tepid water while rubbing shoulders with the locals and poor. maybe trichomaniasis from a wild boar i hunted and killed by my own hand...but no, not even a stab wound from a mugging turned sour, bleeding away my life blood lazily and giving me time to utter those utterly beautiful last words to some wildly good looking mullata who decided to stick with me till the end...no...
i'm clutching my stomach in agony because of bad, raw, seafod, and all of a sudden i get the feeling that modern life...or fuck it lets be accurate becouse you know any time any one of those fuckers with a p.h.d. and a small prick say something like "the modern condition" or "the state of post-modern existence" theyre really just too afraid to tell anybody about how lonely and decrepit their own life is....anways
i get the feeling that my life exists on two planes. one is pre-eminently visceral. in it, i bleed, i shit, i hurt, and eventually i'll probably die. it's not the physical plane, it's just the a realm of experience in which "who i am" counts for nothing. here...it doesnt matter if i think im smart, or if i suspect im good looking (because other human biengs only tolerate the suspicion of ones own good looks, anything else is grounds for envy, martyrdom, or worse...a modeling contract) or even if i know i'm a man and not a woman. this place is having sex for the first few times, this place is intense pain, this place is surfing when youre out of shape.
the second is all light and air. it is that few feet of beautifully blue translucent space right in front of the movie projector that's visibile only if your'e in the right 4 seats just under it. it is the domain of beliefs...primarily for me, beliefs about my self, my own abilities, my own future/destiny/dreams at times. this is a world of airy nothings, but it is the one in which i would give almost anything to reside in. where what i believe about myself transaltes directly into action that exhibits and exemplifies those beliefs....basically, it's the place in my head where i'm the shit.
what i've noticed is that when something goes right for me. i hear a crowd chant my name, i win, or...god forbid, i'm happy for a prolonged period of time, the second world dissapears because some of the assertions within it are confirmed. i noticed that a while ago....
what this year has taught me, is that that th confirmation of those assertions are fleeting. you are what you wanted to be only for a little while, only in a certain place.
i'll end this by saying that i wish i had a death star (and maybe princess leah in that brass bikini?...no thats too much for any nerd to ask) and solid feces.
goodnight.
i'm clutching my stomach in agony because of bad, raw, seafod, and all of a sudden i get the feeling that modern life...or fuck it lets be accurate becouse you know any time any one of those fuckers with a p.h.d. and a small prick say something like "the modern condition" or "the state of post-modern existence" theyre really just too afraid to tell anybody about how lonely and decrepit their own life is....anways
i get the feeling that my life exists on two planes. one is pre-eminently visceral. in it, i bleed, i shit, i hurt, and eventually i'll probably die. it's not the physical plane, it's just the a realm of experience in which "who i am" counts for nothing. here...it doesnt matter if i think im smart, or if i suspect im good looking (because other human biengs only tolerate the suspicion of ones own good looks, anything else is grounds for envy, martyrdom, or worse...a modeling contract) or even if i know i'm a man and not a woman. this place is having sex for the first few times, this place is intense pain, this place is surfing when youre out of shape.
the second is all light and air. it is that few feet of beautifully blue translucent space right in front of the movie projector that's visibile only if your'e in the right 4 seats just under it. it is the domain of beliefs...primarily for me, beliefs about my self, my own abilities, my own future/destiny/dreams at times. this is a world of airy nothings, but it is the one in which i would give almost anything to reside in. where what i believe about myself transaltes directly into action that exhibits and exemplifies those beliefs....basically, it's the place in my head where i'm the shit.
what i've noticed is that when something goes right for me. i hear a crowd chant my name, i win, or...god forbid, i'm happy for a prolonged period of time, the second world dissapears because some of the assertions within it are confirmed. i noticed that a while ago....
what this year has taught me, is that that th confirmation of those assertions are fleeting. you are what you wanted to be only for a little while, only in a certain place.
i'll end this by saying that i wish i had a death star (and maybe princess leah in that brass bikini?...no thats too much for any nerd to ask) and solid feces.
goodnight.