[fic] The Price for Loving You (14/?)
Series: Gravitation
Title: The Price for Loving You
Main Pairings: ?/Tatsuha; Hiro/Ayaka; RyuichixTatsuha
Minor Pairings: Eiri/Shuichi; Tohma/Mika
Genre: Angst; Romance
Rating: T for language and adult concepts.
Warnings: Yaoi/Slash, Angst, Abusive Relationship
Summary: When Fame is involved, Love can come with a price.
Suguru was asleep, lying across three hospital chairs. He was dressed in casual clothing, so the suit jacket covering him clearly wasn't his own. Ryuichi only had to note that Tohma himself was in shirt sleeves to figure out who the jacket belonged to. "I'm sure the hospital would provide a blanket if you asked." He sat down besides Tohma without any sort of greeting, but kept his voice low so not to disturb the slumbering youth.
"I believe I texted that everything was fine." Tohma glanced at him out of the corner of his eyes.
"Yah, well, you lie."
"I suppose it wasn't the whole truth."
"You think?" Ryuichi noted that across the room Shuichi was sleeping on Yuki's shoulder. The blonde was asleep as well - head tipped back against the wall. "So...Nakano?"
"Still under observation."
"His girlfriend?"
"In the hospital somewhere. Isei is watching her."
"She's safe then."
"Safe, yes." The way he stressed the word implied a thousand things.
"How is she holding up?"
"Remarkably well."
"Not truly love him well, or determined to be strong well?" Ryuichi asked the question cautiously.
"I thought I was the cynical one." Tohma offered a cold smile, before turning his eyes away again. "Holding up as best she can well."
Ryuichi nodded. He'd suspected that was the case, but the suspicion was natural after all their years in show business. "How are you holding up?"
"Resisting the urge to commit homicide."
"That well, huh?"
"They didn't even call him."
"Is that so surprising?"
"He deserves better."
"So did you."
To that Tohma had no reply. He glanced over at Suguru. "He refused to leave. He's gotten really close with them."
"Then he'll be fine in time."
"I don't think any of them will be "fine" if Nakano doesn't make it."
"Ah." The simple syllable seemed to say that Ryuichi understood far more than what the statement had been intended to say. He reached out a hand to squeeze Tohma's shoulder. "It's not your fault."
"It's my company."
"You weren't there."
"K's always been a little irresponsible."
"K's the best there is at what he does. He would have never placed them in true danger."
"It's so much easier when there's someone to blame..."
"Life would be easier in black and white - I'm not denying that."
Tohma took in a deep breath, and let out a sigh as if he'd been holding it in for quite some time. "I'm not used to being able to do nothing."
"You're here. That's not nothing."
"They say no news is good news."
Ayaka's head shot up at those words. With a small cry of relief, she flung herself at the man standing next to the hospital garden bench she'd retreated to. "Yuuji!"
"Hey, kid, how are you holding up?" Yuuji returned the hug, letting her cling to him.
"I should be asking that of you." Pulling back reluctantly, she retook her seat on the bench - leaving room for Yuuji to sit beside her.
"My understanding of the situation is Mom and Dad are being idiots, you've got the hospital staff jumping through hoops, and there's no news yet on Hiroshi." Yuuji didn't take the seat right away as he listed points off on his fingers. "That means everyone's left you to be the strong one. And that doesn't seem quite fair."
"Tatsuha told me to let myself be weak too."
"Good kid. I didn't see him in the waiting area."
"He left to give us some privacy, I think. His motorcycle is still here."
Yuuji nodded, and sat down. "Have you cried?"
Ayaka lowered her head - hiding her face behind her hair. Her hands clenched into her skirt, turning white from the pressure.
Yuuji reached over to lay a hand on top of hers. "You need to let it out."
For a moment she remained as still as a statue, then she turned to embrace him again, sobs shaking her frame. "How can you be so calm?" There was less accusation in the question as desperation.
"I know my kid brother. He's got way too much to live for to let go now."
Ayaka didn't reply - she couldn't seem to stop the tears now. Everything knotted up inside her slowly coming loose. The fear of losing Hiro. The stress of having to pretend nothing was wrong in front of the media in Kyoto. The tensions between everyone at the hospital. She'd been strong through it all, but she needed this moment of release herself.
After a couple of minutes the sobs lessened before finally stopping. She pulled away from Yuuji, wiping the last of the tears from her cheeks. "Thank-you." Her voice sounded rough - her throat clogged from the break down.
"Anytime. We're practically family."
It was Yuuji's infamous joke to her and Hiro. One that flustered them both every time. This time there was a slight ache from the words, but she didn't want to dwell on why. Didn't want to think in terms of what might not be. 'Because he's going to be fine. We're going to make it through this.'
The opening of Welcome to My Romance interrupted the moment and Ayaka snatched up the phone. "Usami Ayaka."
"I'm sorry for the lateness of my call, Miss Usami. You left word with our staff to be notified of any changes to Mr Nakano's condition and the decision regarding visitors."
Ayaka found her throat tightening and she struggled to get the next question out. "Hiroshi, he's... okay, isn't he? Can we see him?"
"Mr Nakano has remained stable and can receive visitors."
Relief poured through her and despite how drained she'd felt from her breakdown mere moments before she felt like crying again. "He's awake?"
"No, Mr Nakano is still unconscious. He's been taken off watch, though, and you left instructions-"
"Yes, I did. Thank you so much. We'll be right there." She wasn't even sure when she'd stood up, but Yuuji was standing as well. She threw her arms around him excitedly. "He's going to be okay! He's okay!"
"What did I tell you? Hiro knows he's got it too good to just let go." Yuuji grinned. Despite his words, Ayaka could see the relief in his face.
"Your parents-" She began.
"I'll get them. Go on. I know you need to be there."
"Thank you. I mean it, Yuuji. For everything." Ayaka made no pretenses of being calm. She took off at a run toward the entry doors.
Left alone, Yuuji's smile faded and he sat down on the bench with a heavy sigh. "Damn, you scared me, Hiroshi. You better not do that again."
She'd woken everyone up by bursting into the room, except for Yuki, but Shuichi assured her he could sleep through anything. Hiro was no longer in the ICU, though, which meant they had to go elsewhere to even see him. The nurse directed them on how to find the appropriate room while Shuichi ushered them ahead while he woke up his lover. She was going to wait for Yuuji and his parents to arrive, but Suguru had assured her they would send them in and to go ahead. He and Shuichi would have their moment later. Unable to hold back, she'd hurried inside.
He was paler than she'd ever seen him - even his lips were pale. His head was bandaged and he was covered by a blanket. She wasn't sure what his injuries were, not having thought to ask any questions of the staff on duty in the wing he'd been moved to. She crossed the room slowly, listening to the steady beep that was his heart beat. Oxygen levels were also being monitored, and a blood pressure cuff that started up to take a reading startled her until she recognized what it was. An IV was connected to his hand, steadily dripping something into his blood stream. Pain killer? Something to make him sleep peacefully? She wished she knew.
She laid her hand on his hand first, feeling strangely frightened by the reality in front of her. Slowly she leaned forward to brush his cheek with her lips, surprised how cold his skin still felt. No reaction came from her touch. Were they keeping him unconscious with the drugs, then?
"You sure scared us." She whispered to him. "Your parents are here, and Yuuji. Shuichi and Suguru haven't left the hospital since they brought you all here. They're fine, by the way. I know that would be important for you to know. Shuichi told me how you pushed them forward...
"You just had to play hero, didn't you? You're just selfless like that... you're such an idiot sometimes. You drive me crazy. Be a little selfish once and awhile and..." She was close to tears again, and she took a deep breath, calming herself down. "I'm not going to cry. You're fine now." She lifted his hand gingerly, holding it between two of hers. "You'd feel bad, too, if you woke up to me crying, wouldn't you? So I'm just going to have to be strong for you until after you're awake. But I reserve the right to blubber all over you later, you know. And possibly give you a smack to the head... just as soon as it's all healed." A small smile tugged at her lips, and she adjusted her grip on his hand.
"I'll just wait here for you to wake up... if that's okay..."
Tatsuha sat on the bench of the hospital garden, his shoulders slumped and his face in his hands. Ryuichi studied his posture for a moment, taking in yet another facet of the young man in front of him. Though he'd wanted to learn more about him, he hadn't meant for it to occur in such a voyeuristic fashion. Starting with his conversation with Tohma - Seduced for revenge, his friend had said. His deepest thoughts and feelings twisted against him. Tossed aside. Heart broken.
He'd said other things. About not realizing the young man hated him. About not blaming him for it. Ryuichi saw no hint that Tatsuha hated Tohma. He had a feeling the other was taking things for granted without asking the right questions to the right party. That was Tohma. Through and through. Always thinking he had the right answers. Annoyingly, he often did. Other times, though, he was completely wrong. Ryuichi had a feeling this was one of those times.
That wasn't what made him seek Tatsuha out now, though. The scenes he'd witnesses earlier hadn't left his mind, and a quick conversation with the doctor he'd spotted him with had provided more information. Now watching him deal with it all alone, he felt the desire to... he wasn't even sure what. Comfort him, cheer him up perhaps, protect him even. Shouldn't someone be there doing just that? His brother, or Tohma even. Did he always deal with everything alone?
He allowed his feelings to move him forward, and stop beside the bench. When Tatsuha raised his eyes he stared at him in complete confusion. "Am I dreaming?" He asked.
Even though he knew he should stay serious, it was too easy a comment to resist. "Do you dream about me often?"
Tatsuha's laugh was a little too sharp. "Not lately. And definitely not like this."
"Hmmmm..." Ryuichi gave a non-committal response as he studied him up close. He'd clearly gotten back into casual clothes hurriedly, as there'd been no attempt to straighten or smooth them. His hair was messed up, and his eyes were red from exhaustion. He saw no hint of tears, though.
"Why are you here?" He sounded drained.
The answer was he'd come for Tohma. It wasn't what he'd approached him to discuss, though. Cruel though it might have been, he went for the kill. "Aren't you too young to be performing death rites?"
Tatsuha's eyes were full of questions, but he didn't ask any of them. "I was in lower secondary the first time. That's too young. Now?" He shrugged.
Only years of performance skills kept his expression even. He felt shock and even outrage at the idea of Tatsuha dealing with such a thing at such a tender age. He opened his mouth to respond, but was cut off.
"It wasn't supposed to happen then. But I've never looked my age, I guess. I was traveling alone and I was still in my robes. His mother begged me for help. Father apologized afterwards for not being there. He didn't let me handle them for a couple years. But I'm a monk. It's part of our work, and I couldn't avoid it forever."
"I still think you're too young."
"Ya, well, you've never taken me seriously." There was a slightly bitter edge to the words.
It was a fair accusation, he supposed. "You've never let me see the real you...no, that's not quite true. Let's say rarely instead. You've rarely let me see the real you."
Tatsuha frowned at him. "This from you?"
"I'm always real."
"Liar." Tatsuha seemed shocked by the words, raising a hand to cover his mouth even.
Ryuichi laughed, and took a seat on the bench next to him. "It's true. I am. An expert liar, even. But I wasn't lying. It's fun to act however I want. If others think it's childish, so what? The problem with most people is they take life too seriously. I'm serious when I need to be. It's too draining for me to be serious all the time."
"So why are you being serious now?"
"Because you need me to be."
"Still treating me like a kid."
"You want me to treat you like an adult?"
"Yes!"
"That might be a dangerous request, Tatsuha."
Tatsuha gave him a quizzical expression and he resisted the urge to sigh, and an equally powerful urge to kiss the younger man senseless. It was an urge that seemed to pop up whenever he spent a length of time in his presence. And the more he learned about him, the harder it was to resist. But it wasn't the right time, or the right place. He had to stay focused.
"How many people did you watch die tonight?" He asked instead.
Tatsuha instantly lowered his head, dark hair hiding his expression. It took a moment before he got the strained answer. "Too many."
"Why are you out here alone then?"
"...Because I'm too tired to drive back to Kyoto even though I know Father would have a bottle of sake ready with a phone call and would sit with me all night. Because Ayaka has too much to deal with at the moment to ask her to cheer me up."
"Your siblings?"
"...this is Father and my secret. I don't...want them in on it. It's special because they don't know. And they wouldn't understand even if they did."
"Understand what?"
Tatsuha hesitated before speaking again. The words were slow, as if they were being pulled reluctantly from his lips. "The deaths are hard. It's true. There's a feeling to that moment...it's hard to describe it. It's beyond us, I think. To grasp it. It's powerful. Sometimes it's horrible, and sometimes it's sad, and sometimes it's really peaceful. But it's always powerful. That alone can make your head spin. Make you feel all sorts of things. But then there's their loved ones to deal with and that's the most draining part.
"Some get angry. A lot cry. There's so much feeling. Hurt, anger, despair. And they look at you for answers. There's things I've been taught. Sayings I know by rote. And they feel right to me most of the time. But the way they look at you can be... I mean, I want to help them but I can only... I'm not-"
"A god?"
Tatsuha's eyes shot up to meet his then. Pain, confusion, even guilt swirled in their depths. He'd been a fan. Had he called him such before?
"People look for answers in others. Guidance. Acceptance. I told you about fame, remember? The not fun part."
Tatsuha closed his eyes and nodded.
"I'm not a god either. I have no more answers than you do. But if you're feeling off balance and need something to hold onto right now..." Carefully, afraid it was too hard a push but needing to try, he reached out a hand to brush through Tatsuha's hair gently. "I'd be honored if you chose me."
Tatsuha kept his eyes closed, but moved neither closer or farther away. "It's hard to deal with that once in a night, but over and over? You know when you spin til you can't and the whole room tilts on you? That's what my emotions feel like right now."
Ryuichi lowered a hand to his shoulder, and gave it the lightest of tugs. "Then lie down until the world rights itself. I can promise, it always does. I know that much."
Slowly, so slowly Ryuichi swore he was going to pull back, Tatsuha laid across the bench with his head in his lap. Though he'd faced away from him, he could still feel his breath ghosting warm air over his thighs. It wasn't really comfortable, for either of them. The bench itself was hard and cold. and too short for Tatsuha's long body. He was leaning against him as if the world truly was spinning, though. After another long moment, he cautiously began to run his fingers through his hair. The silence that stretched between them was almost comfortable but not quite. More needed to be said.
"I know it gets better. But sometimes I forget." Tatsuha finally spoke up.
Ryuichi hesitated before replying. "Me too...so how about we make a promise? We call when that happens? We can hold onto each other til it passes."
"I'd like that."
He felt Tatsuha relax then; could feel his own body do the same. The silence between them was welcome instead of waiting. Tatsuha buried his face into his legs, and his fingers continued to comb through his dark locks. They still hadn't moved by the time dawn lit the sky.
To Be Continued...
I know, it's a short chapter, but it felt right to end it here. Also, it means I can time-jump the next chapter a bit because I think the last three chapters have happened within a 24-36 hour period, and I think that was overkill for such a short time. Oops.
I think this chapter is a huge step forward in Ryuichi and Tatsuha's relationship. They aren't in love yet, but they're getting there. The issue between the Nakano and Shindo families still need to be resolved, which may or may not happen yet considering Hiro isn't awake yet...and isn't that odd? Hm... Tatsuha has one or two more hurtles to face before he's truly ready to get romantically involved again, not to mention clear the air with Tohma. Please expect much more to come, and please leave a review even if it's only to yell at me for making you wait so long between chapters.
Title: The Price for Loving You
Main Pairings: ?/Tatsuha; Hiro/Ayaka; RyuichixTatsuha
Minor Pairings: Eiri/Shuichi; Tohma/Mika
Genre: Angst; Romance
Rating: T for language and adult concepts.
Warnings: Yaoi/Slash, Angst, Abusive Relationship
Summary: When Fame is involved, Love can come with a price.
Suguru was asleep, lying across three hospital chairs. He was dressed in casual clothing, so the suit jacket covering him clearly wasn't his own. Ryuichi only had to note that Tohma himself was in shirt sleeves to figure out who the jacket belonged to. "I'm sure the hospital would provide a blanket if you asked." He sat down besides Tohma without any sort of greeting, but kept his voice low so not to disturb the slumbering youth.
"I believe I texted that everything was fine." Tohma glanced at him out of the corner of his eyes.
"Yah, well, you lie."
"I suppose it wasn't the whole truth."
"You think?" Ryuichi noted that across the room Shuichi was sleeping on Yuki's shoulder. The blonde was asleep as well - head tipped back against the wall. "So...Nakano?"
"Still under observation."
"His girlfriend?"
"In the hospital somewhere. Isei is watching her."
"She's safe then."
"Safe, yes." The way he stressed the word implied a thousand things.
"How is she holding up?"
"Remarkably well."
"Not truly love him well, or determined to be strong well?" Ryuichi asked the question cautiously.
"I thought I was the cynical one." Tohma offered a cold smile, before turning his eyes away again. "Holding up as best she can well."
Ryuichi nodded. He'd suspected that was the case, but the suspicion was natural after all their years in show business. "How are you holding up?"
"Resisting the urge to commit homicide."
"That well, huh?"
"They didn't even call him."
"Is that so surprising?"
"He deserves better."
"So did you."
To that Tohma had no reply. He glanced over at Suguru. "He refused to leave. He's gotten really close with them."
"Then he'll be fine in time."
"I don't think any of them will be "fine" if Nakano doesn't make it."
"Ah." The simple syllable seemed to say that Ryuichi understood far more than what the statement had been intended to say. He reached out a hand to squeeze Tohma's shoulder. "It's not your fault."
"It's my company."
"You weren't there."
"K's always been a little irresponsible."
"K's the best there is at what he does. He would have never placed them in true danger."
"It's so much easier when there's someone to blame..."
"Life would be easier in black and white - I'm not denying that."
Tohma took in a deep breath, and let out a sigh as if he'd been holding it in for quite some time. "I'm not used to being able to do nothing."
"You're here. That's not nothing."
"They say no news is good news."
Ayaka's head shot up at those words. With a small cry of relief, she flung herself at the man standing next to the hospital garden bench she'd retreated to. "Yuuji!"
"Hey, kid, how are you holding up?" Yuuji returned the hug, letting her cling to him.
"I should be asking that of you." Pulling back reluctantly, she retook her seat on the bench - leaving room for Yuuji to sit beside her.
"My understanding of the situation is Mom and Dad are being idiots, you've got the hospital staff jumping through hoops, and there's no news yet on Hiroshi." Yuuji didn't take the seat right away as he listed points off on his fingers. "That means everyone's left you to be the strong one. And that doesn't seem quite fair."
"Tatsuha told me to let myself be weak too."
"Good kid. I didn't see him in the waiting area."
"He left to give us some privacy, I think. His motorcycle is still here."
Yuuji nodded, and sat down. "Have you cried?"
Ayaka lowered her head - hiding her face behind her hair. Her hands clenched into her skirt, turning white from the pressure.
Yuuji reached over to lay a hand on top of hers. "You need to let it out."
For a moment she remained as still as a statue, then she turned to embrace him again, sobs shaking her frame. "How can you be so calm?" There was less accusation in the question as desperation.
"I know my kid brother. He's got way too much to live for to let go now."
Ayaka didn't reply - she couldn't seem to stop the tears now. Everything knotted up inside her slowly coming loose. The fear of losing Hiro. The stress of having to pretend nothing was wrong in front of the media in Kyoto. The tensions between everyone at the hospital. She'd been strong through it all, but she needed this moment of release herself.
After a couple of minutes the sobs lessened before finally stopping. She pulled away from Yuuji, wiping the last of the tears from her cheeks. "Thank-you." Her voice sounded rough - her throat clogged from the break down.
"Anytime. We're practically family."
It was Yuuji's infamous joke to her and Hiro. One that flustered them both every time. This time there was a slight ache from the words, but she didn't want to dwell on why. Didn't want to think in terms of what might not be. 'Because he's going to be fine. We're going to make it through this.'
The opening of Welcome to My Romance interrupted the moment and Ayaka snatched up the phone. "Usami Ayaka."
"I'm sorry for the lateness of my call, Miss Usami. You left word with our staff to be notified of any changes to Mr Nakano's condition and the decision regarding visitors."
Ayaka found her throat tightening and she struggled to get the next question out. "Hiroshi, he's... okay, isn't he? Can we see him?"
"Mr Nakano has remained stable and can receive visitors."
Relief poured through her and despite how drained she'd felt from her breakdown mere moments before she felt like crying again. "He's awake?"
"No, Mr Nakano is still unconscious. He's been taken off watch, though, and you left instructions-"
"Yes, I did. Thank you so much. We'll be right there." She wasn't even sure when she'd stood up, but Yuuji was standing as well. She threw her arms around him excitedly. "He's going to be okay! He's okay!"
"What did I tell you? Hiro knows he's got it too good to just let go." Yuuji grinned. Despite his words, Ayaka could see the relief in his face.
"Your parents-" She began.
"I'll get them. Go on. I know you need to be there."
"Thank you. I mean it, Yuuji. For everything." Ayaka made no pretenses of being calm. She took off at a run toward the entry doors.
Left alone, Yuuji's smile faded and he sat down on the bench with a heavy sigh. "Damn, you scared me, Hiroshi. You better not do that again."
She'd woken everyone up by bursting into the room, except for Yuki, but Shuichi assured her he could sleep through anything. Hiro was no longer in the ICU, though, which meant they had to go elsewhere to even see him. The nurse directed them on how to find the appropriate room while Shuichi ushered them ahead while he woke up his lover. She was going to wait for Yuuji and his parents to arrive, but Suguru had assured her they would send them in and to go ahead. He and Shuichi would have their moment later. Unable to hold back, she'd hurried inside.
He was paler than she'd ever seen him - even his lips were pale. His head was bandaged and he was covered by a blanket. She wasn't sure what his injuries were, not having thought to ask any questions of the staff on duty in the wing he'd been moved to. She crossed the room slowly, listening to the steady beep that was his heart beat. Oxygen levels were also being monitored, and a blood pressure cuff that started up to take a reading startled her until she recognized what it was. An IV was connected to his hand, steadily dripping something into his blood stream. Pain killer? Something to make him sleep peacefully? She wished she knew.
She laid her hand on his hand first, feeling strangely frightened by the reality in front of her. Slowly she leaned forward to brush his cheek with her lips, surprised how cold his skin still felt. No reaction came from her touch. Were they keeping him unconscious with the drugs, then?
"You sure scared us." She whispered to him. "Your parents are here, and Yuuji. Shuichi and Suguru haven't left the hospital since they brought you all here. They're fine, by the way. I know that would be important for you to know. Shuichi told me how you pushed them forward...
"You just had to play hero, didn't you? You're just selfless like that... you're such an idiot sometimes. You drive me crazy. Be a little selfish once and awhile and..." She was close to tears again, and she took a deep breath, calming herself down. "I'm not going to cry. You're fine now." She lifted his hand gingerly, holding it between two of hers. "You'd feel bad, too, if you woke up to me crying, wouldn't you? So I'm just going to have to be strong for you until after you're awake. But I reserve the right to blubber all over you later, you know. And possibly give you a smack to the head... just as soon as it's all healed." A small smile tugged at her lips, and she adjusted her grip on his hand.
"I'll just wait here for you to wake up... if that's okay..."
Tatsuha sat on the bench of the hospital garden, his shoulders slumped and his face in his hands. Ryuichi studied his posture for a moment, taking in yet another facet of the young man in front of him. Though he'd wanted to learn more about him, he hadn't meant for it to occur in such a voyeuristic fashion. Starting with his conversation with Tohma - Seduced for revenge, his friend had said. His deepest thoughts and feelings twisted against him. Tossed aside. Heart broken.
He'd said other things. About not realizing the young man hated him. About not blaming him for it. Ryuichi saw no hint that Tatsuha hated Tohma. He had a feeling the other was taking things for granted without asking the right questions to the right party. That was Tohma. Through and through. Always thinking he had the right answers. Annoyingly, he often did. Other times, though, he was completely wrong. Ryuichi had a feeling this was one of those times.
That wasn't what made him seek Tatsuha out now, though. The scenes he'd witnesses earlier hadn't left his mind, and a quick conversation with the doctor he'd spotted him with had provided more information. Now watching him deal with it all alone, he felt the desire to... he wasn't even sure what. Comfort him, cheer him up perhaps, protect him even. Shouldn't someone be there doing just that? His brother, or Tohma even. Did he always deal with everything alone?
He allowed his feelings to move him forward, and stop beside the bench. When Tatsuha raised his eyes he stared at him in complete confusion. "Am I dreaming?" He asked.
Even though he knew he should stay serious, it was too easy a comment to resist. "Do you dream about me often?"
Tatsuha's laugh was a little too sharp. "Not lately. And definitely not like this."
"Hmmmm..." Ryuichi gave a non-committal response as he studied him up close. He'd clearly gotten back into casual clothes hurriedly, as there'd been no attempt to straighten or smooth them. His hair was messed up, and his eyes were red from exhaustion. He saw no hint of tears, though.
"Why are you here?" He sounded drained.
The answer was he'd come for Tohma. It wasn't what he'd approached him to discuss, though. Cruel though it might have been, he went for the kill. "Aren't you too young to be performing death rites?"
Tatsuha's eyes were full of questions, but he didn't ask any of them. "I was in lower secondary the first time. That's too young. Now?" He shrugged.
Only years of performance skills kept his expression even. He felt shock and even outrage at the idea of Tatsuha dealing with such a thing at such a tender age. He opened his mouth to respond, but was cut off.
"It wasn't supposed to happen then. But I've never looked my age, I guess. I was traveling alone and I was still in my robes. His mother begged me for help. Father apologized afterwards for not being there. He didn't let me handle them for a couple years. But I'm a monk. It's part of our work, and I couldn't avoid it forever."
"I still think you're too young."
"Ya, well, you've never taken me seriously." There was a slightly bitter edge to the words.
It was a fair accusation, he supposed. "You've never let me see the real you...no, that's not quite true. Let's say rarely instead. You've rarely let me see the real you."
Tatsuha frowned at him. "This from you?"
"I'm always real."
"Liar." Tatsuha seemed shocked by the words, raising a hand to cover his mouth even.
Ryuichi laughed, and took a seat on the bench next to him. "It's true. I am. An expert liar, even. But I wasn't lying. It's fun to act however I want. If others think it's childish, so what? The problem with most people is they take life too seriously. I'm serious when I need to be. It's too draining for me to be serious all the time."
"So why are you being serious now?"
"Because you need me to be."
"Still treating me like a kid."
"You want me to treat you like an adult?"
"Yes!"
"That might be a dangerous request, Tatsuha."
Tatsuha gave him a quizzical expression and he resisted the urge to sigh, and an equally powerful urge to kiss the younger man senseless. It was an urge that seemed to pop up whenever he spent a length of time in his presence. And the more he learned about him, the harder it was to resist. But it wasn't the right time, or the right place. He had to stay focused.
"How many people did you watch die tonight?" He asked instead.
Tatsuha instantly lowered his head, dark hair hiding his expression. It took a moment before he got the strained answer. "Too many."
"Why are you out here alone then?"
"...Because I'm too tired to drive back to Kyoto even though I know Father would have a bottle of sake ready with a phone call and would sit with me all night. Because Ayaka has too much to deal with at the moment to ask her to cheer me up."
"Your siblings?"
"...this is Father and my secret. I don't...want them in on it. It's special because they don't know. And they wouldn't understand even if they did."
"Understand what?"
Tatsuha hesitated before speaking again. The words were slow, as if they were being pulled reluctantly from his lips. "The deaths are hard. It's true. There's a feeling to that moment...it's hard to describe it. It's beyond us, I think. To grasp it. It's powerful. Sometimes it's horrible, and sometimes it's sad, and sometimes it's really peaceful. But it's always powerful. That alone can make your head spin. Make you feel all sorts of things. But then there's their loved ones to deal with and that's the most draining part.
"Some get angry. A lot cry. There's so much feeling. Hurt, anger, despair. And they look at you for answers. There's things I've been taught. Sayings I know by rote. And they feel right to me most of the time. But the way they look at you can be... I mean, I want to help them but I can only... I'm not-"
"A god?"
Tatsuha's eyes shot up to meet his then. Pain, confusion, even guilt swirled in their depths. He'd been a fan. Had he called him such before?
"People look for answers in others. Guidance. Acceptance. I told you about fame, remember? The not fun part."
Tatsuha closed his eyes and nodded.
"I'm not a god either. I have no more answers than you do. But if you're feeling off balance and need something to hold onto right now..." Carefully, afraid it was too hard a push but needing to try, he reached out a hand to brush through Tatsuha's hair gently. "I'd be honored if you chose me."
Tatsuha kept his eyes closed, but moved neither closer or farther away. "It's hard to deal with that once in a night, but over and over? You know when you spin til you can't and the whole room tilts on you? That's what my emotions feel like right now."
Ryuichi lowered a hand to his shoulder, and gave it the lightest of tugs. "Then lie down until the world rights itself. I can promise, it always does. I know that much."
Slowly, so slowly Ryuichi swore he was going to pull back, Tatsuha laid across the bench with his head in his lap. Though he'd faced away from him, he could still feel his breath ghosting warm air over his thighs. It wasn't really comfortable, for either of them. The bench itself was hard and cold. and too short for Tatsuha's long body. He was leaning against him as if the world truly was spinning, though. After another long moment, he cautiously began to run his fingers through his hair. The silence that stretched between them was almost comfortable but not quite. More needed to be said.
"I know it gets better. But sometimes I forget." Tatsuha finally spoke up.
Ryuichi hesitated before replying. "Me too...so how about we make a promise? We call when that happens? We can hold onto each other til it passes."
"I'd like that."
He felt Tatsuha relax then; could feel his own body do the same. The silence between them was welcome instead of waiting. Tatsuha buried his face into his legs, and his fingers continued to comb through his dark locks. They still hadn't moved by the time dawn lit the sky.
To Be Continued...
I know, it's a short chapter, but it felt right to end it here. Also, it means I can time-jump the next chapter a bit because I think the last three chapters have happened within a 24-36 hour period, and I think that was overkill for such a short time. Oops.
I think this chapter is a huge step forward in Ryuichi and Tatsuha's relationship. They aren't in love yet, but they're getting there. The issue between the Nakano and Shindo families still need to be resolved, which may or may not happen yet considering Hiro isn't awake yet...and isn't that odd? Hm... Tatsuha has one or two more hurtles to face before he's truly ready to get romantically involved again, not to mention clear the air with Tohma. Please expect much more to come, and please leave a review even if it's only to yell at me for making you wait so long between chapters.