(no subject)
So ive decided to stop taking adderall!! I thought was real good decision, and it is for sure...but now i realize...the difference between me being on adderall and me being normal/taking concerta which is much more 'natural' for me/my brain ok i just dont know but let me explain! Adderall(when i was on it) made me feel really really deeply angry and emotional at people a lot...but it was almost like it felt 'right.' like no matter what, that was correct. like i was always right. but the pain was...i turned into an evil bitch..sometimes(mostly with fam.) and deep inside i knew that was wrong. so im never taking that again(FOR SURE.) unless there is some individual necessity like i have no concerta and have to take a serious test in school and NEED an adhd med(cause i do physically need medication for schoolwork most time.)
But anywho concerta....is awesome. Im not going to lie i love it because I feel like normal self but just so much more released. I love that.
But I am still bi polar. I know I am. And I just hate it...like right now...I think I am manic. Its like I have all this energy out of nowhere...and it feels great...but i know its so wrong. But im on a pretty high dose of Trileptal so i know its really actually wrong. The euphoric feeling that is. My brain is just so confused right now! And i am also just so tired...but sometimes it feels as though oen personality(for example, 'HAPPY HYPER HOLLY' can take off and entertain EVERYONE. seem perfectly fine! no flaws. such an awesome girl. loves everything. can take everything, doesnt get upset, is just 'awesome' and 'perfect!'. people love it. but thats it. thats other people. inside...it doesnt always feel right. i really want to be lower. my insides, they want to be lower. they want to be this other thing...they want to be real.
like just now, i just brought myself down to it. then it just went to a middle ground i think then i dont know where i am right now.
I am so lost. And this post probably sounds so crazy. I just kind of hope someone that can relate to this...happens to read this? And if you do out there somewhere, please emil/comment/message me and...just say you do relate.
Id really appreciate that so much.
xoxo for now...
Holls.
I feel crazy.