I haven't been very vocal, as I have been in the LJ past, but I have to say, I don't underestimate your experience with depression, and I know it's not a simple battle that you're facing.
Most people don't understand the profound isolation and sadness or emptiness associated with the condition. I think I have a minor understanding on it, not really from personal experience, but definitely from the ability to read what others have said, and to make the attempt to try and understand their POV.
The two negative experiences I've had in my life, with it, from outside the POV of the one suffering from it ... on a Halloween, many years ago, on LJ, someone on my friends list posted a suicide note. They also happened to post their phone number in a post a few entries back. Being the type that I am, I actually got in contact with that person's local law enforcement, and I convinced them to send a car to the guy's house. I don't take notes or anything that potentially permanent lightly. It's a big decision to self terminate, especially to the point that one is leaving goodbyes like that. I can totally understand why someone would want to hit the eject button on life, but if I observe someone on the cusp of making that decision, I will do what I can to buy that person some time, if only to give them a little more time before they actually go through with it. I don't think I really helped in that situation, but I wasn't going to say "DO IT" or anything similarly trollish, not when it concerns something that can't be undone, once the actions are completed. Simply delaying such an action is a small thing, but if it helped the person at least think twice, it's better than rushing to that conclusion.
My cousin's best friend committed suicide. It was an out of the blue thing, too. He had just gotten married, and he had a decent job as well. None of that mattered to him, and he quickly and quietly decided to end his life, so no amount of success or usual happiness therefrom can really matter, when one feels that down, suffocated, and alone. It was the culmination of my awareness of the problem, which I started to become aware of back in the 90s when Cobain decided to do the same.
That was the worst funeral I've ever attended. Worst in terms of sadness. Those who are murdered, or die suddenly and before their perceived time, those are always bad, but my cousin's friend's was the absolute saddest funeral of all those I've attended. Many people liked the guy, and nobody saw it coming. Needless to say, his loved ones are probably very much still hurt by his action. I know I liked the guy, and while he wasn't my friend, from the time I spent around him, I definitely felt the loss, in my own small experience.
I am of the belief that words generally aren't efficient in completely understanding the extreme devastation of feeling depression. And while I have not personally felt as empty as you have, I have had stretches in my own life that were a fraction of what you're describing. And that was, for lack of a better set of description ... despite all the good things in my life, those shitty things that happened, and my own isolated feeling considered, it was definitely always the same feeling, just feeling so fucking alone, and incapable of enjoyment of things I should have enjoyed. It's just shitty, for lack of a better term.
Hang in there, if you can. I'm definitely pulling for you, even if this is all I can do, is give you a random internet expression of hope for your battle with this very real problem.
Most people don't understand the profound isolation and sadness or emptiness associated with the condition. I think I have a minor understanding on it, not really from personal experience, but definitely from the ability to read what others have said, and to make the attempt to try and understand their POV.
The two negative experiences I've had in my life, with it, from outside the POV of the one suffering from it ... on a Halloween, many years ago, on LJ, someone on my friends list posted a suicide note. They also happened to post their phone number in a post a few entries back. Being the type that I am, I actually got in contact with that person's local law enforcement, and I convinced them to send a car to the guy's house. I don't take notes or anything that potentially permanent lightly. It's a big decision to self terminate, especially to the point that one is leaving goodbyes like that. I can totally understand why someone would want to hit the eject button on life, but if I observe someone on the cusp of making that decision, I will do what I can to buy that person some time, if only to give them a little more time before they actually go through with it. I don't think I really helped in that situation, but I wasn't going to say "DO IT" or anything similarly trollish, not when it concerns something that can't be undone, once the actions are completed. Simply delaying such an action is a small thing, but if it helped the person at least think twice, it's better than rushing to that conclusion.
My cousin's best friend committed suicide. It was an out of the blue thing, too. He had just gotten married, and he had a decent job as well. None of that mattered to him, and he quickly and quietly decided to end his life, so no amount of success or usual happiness therefrom can really matter, when one feels that down, suffocated, and alone. It was the culmination of my awareness of the problem, which I started to become aware of back in the 90s when Cobain decided to do the same.
That was the worst funeral I've ever attended. Worst in terms of sadness. Those who are murdered, or die suddenly and before their perceived time, those are always bad, but my cousin's friend's was the absolute saddest funeral of all those I've attended. Many people liked the guy, and nobody saw it coming. Needless to say, his loved ones are probably very much still hurt by his action. I know I liked the guy, and while he wasn't my friend, from the time I spent around him, I definitely felt the loss, in my own small experience.
I am of the belief that words generally aren't efficient in completely understanding the extreme devastation of feeling depression. And while I have not personally felt as empty as you have, I have had stretches in my own life that were a fraction of what you're describing. And that was, for lack of a better set of description ... despite all the good things in my life, those shitty things that happened, and my own isolated feeling considered, it was definitely always the same feeling, just feeling so fucking alone, and incapable of enjoyment of things I should have enjoyed. It's just shitty, for lack of a better term.
Hang in there, if you can. I'm definitely pulling for you, even if this is all I can do, is give you a random internet expression of hope for your battle with this very real problem.
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