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I have two drafts in my GMail Inbox.
One's a suicide note, in case things get that bad. It's already typed.
Another is the start of a message that says everything that's been going on and my mission statement from here on out. It talks about my debts, it talks about my emotions, it talks about my struggles and reassures everyone that I am in this for the long haul.
I'm not ready to post either of those. I also don't want to delete those.
I'm halfway between desperate and focused. The needle sways a little bit in one direction or the other as the days go by.
I'm working my sack off to tilt the needle to the "focused" side, just so you know. But sometimes things will backfire and undo all the good I have done.
Yes, I have been hard on myself for a good long while. I don't think that'll change for a long time. And now, as I slog through depression, I am even harder on myself. I'm really pissed that I am in this situation of debt, darkness, and depression.
The toughest, toughest part of this is that movement towards "ideal" is going to be a long, frustrating, non-linear process. I'll make mistakes, I admit that. I will do some head-scratchingly stupid things. I'll cry. I'll feel worthless. I'll have days where I won't want to leave my living quarters.
I'd better enjoy the little things, like they said to do in "Zombieland."
--Keith
One's a suicide note, in case things get that bad. It's already typed.
Another is the start of a message that says everything that's been going on and my mission statement from here on out. It talks about my debts, it talks about my emotions, it talks about my struggles and reassures everyone that I am in this for the long haul.
I'm not ready to post either of those. I also don't want to delete those.
I'm halfway between desperate and focused. The needle sways a little bit in one direction or the other as the days go by.
I'm working my sack off to tilt the needle to the "focused" side, just so you know. But sometimes things will backfire and undo all the good I have done.
Yes, I have been hard on myself for a good long while. I don't think that'll change for a long time. And now, as I slog through depression, I am even harder on myself. I'm really pissed that I am in this situation of debt, darkness, and depression.
The toughest, toughest part of this is that movement towards "ideal" is going to be a long, frustrating, non-linear process. I'll make mistakes, I admit that. I will do some head-scratchingly stupid things. I'll cry. I'll feel worthless. I'll have days where I won't want to leave my living quarters.
I'd better enjoy the little things, like they said to do in "Zombieland."
--Keith