Living Questions

May 10, 2006 09:18


There have been a string of posts lately (including some of my own) on growing up, memories, life paths. Mixed in with some events in my own life, this morning they got me thinking about something to do with relationships and dating, which is what is on my mind right now, but which could probably be applied to all parts of my life.  Tthanks esp. to Roxana for her thoughtful reply to my comment that put me on this track.

I am constantly amazed at how much there is out there that I don't know. On one level, I'm talking about facts and figures, history and names. On another, I'm talking about understanding and comprehension, philosophical and spiritual knowledge of what it is to live as a human being with other human beings. And on yet another level, I am talking about myself, and understanding who I am, on my own and in relationship with others. This feeling is not about lack of confidence or insecurity (though I have as much of those, if not more, than the next person), but more about the recognition that I am not, nor ever will be, complete or whole or done.

In my on-line dating experience, I have complained that I am so frequently faced with women who, in their profiles or in person, are ordinary (or I would uncharitably use the words "boring" or "forgettable"). I realized this morning that one of the contributing factors is that they do not seem to recognize this vast unknown. So many profiles state that she has her life together, does not need a man to complete her, is looking for someone to share it with, and that he should have a great life, with family, career, job, confidence, charm, and be looking for someone to share it with. And so many of the women I've met seem to feel the same way.

Two thoughts emerge: If your life is whole, why do you want to add a man to it? And if his life is whole, why would he want to add you to it?

Looking at myself and at all the women I love(d) and respect(ed) in my life (many of them posting on LJ), the common factor is that all of them are wise and thoughtful, but also recognize that there is so much that they don't know and don't understand. Watching the struggles with adulthood, intimacy, imposter syndrome, current and impending motherhood, and relationships that have been posted here, all experienced by women who I see as rich in wisdom, patience, and understanding, makes it clear that the wisest people know that we are all just searching and that the best we can do is share what we've learned in the hopes that it will help another and that, when we find a place we don't know or understand, they might be able to share something in return.

Where and how do I find that person who recognizes that she is incomplete and is looking for someone, not to complete her, but to look and learn and grow with, to ask more of the questions and move further down the path together, believing that it's better to have a companion on that path than to figure it out alone?

There's a Rilke quote I've always loved and applied to life and to myself, but until now, I don't think I ever realized how much I applied it to relationships:

"I beg you . . . to have patience with everything that is unresolved in your heart, and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

How do I find someone who lives the question and wants to live with the question that is me while I live with the question that is her? Or in short, how do I find someone who would talk with me about the subject of this post instead (or in addition to) wanting to go skiing, see the Red Sox play, and go the Cape for a summer weekend of drinking and beach time.

Thanks for listening.
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