intense retrospection.
mmm...I had a pretty good day!
That was nice.
And we are approaching a three day weekend, thank god. Unfortunately, it'll be a little bit busier than I'd like it to be. I'd really like to have a day where I can just sit and do absolutely nothing. That seems to be a thing of the past...and I'm glad. I was reading back through my diary the other day, and I realized something. I think that a huge part of the reason that I was so depressed the first semester of sophomore year was because of the fact that I wasn't really doing anything. I had recently been forced to quit soccer due to injuries, and soccer had basically been my life up until then. I trained practically 18 hours a week for most of freshman year (not the end of it though). It wasn't until second semester sophomore year that I actually started doing things again - I started doing community theatre, writing more purposefully (and far beyond this journal), volunteering, and working toward farsighted but attainable goals. I really think that constantly working towards something is a key to my happiness. It fills me with a sense of purpose.
And while I'm not doing fabulously 100% of the time, I'm doing SO much better as compared to last year. I read back, and I realize how insecure and out of control I really was - I can't believe that I did some of the things I did, said some of the things I said, even thought some of the things I thought. I'm probably going to be contending with anxiety and mood swings for the rest of my life...but that's okay. I'm making steps forward. My life is different than it was then, and that's a good thing. I'm doing things that I love doing, and for that I feel very fortunate.
Still, there's a lot that I would consider to be "wrong" with my life right now. I can't win everyday. Some days anxiety or my moods get the better of me, and I'm a total bitch (and completely unproductive). Some days I'm completely blind to everything but the disasters that I've created around me. But hey, I'm still learning. I'm not perfect. I can't win everyday. But who can? It's just nice to wake up in the morning and know that even if I don't win today, at least in some ways (if not others) I'm heading in a direction that feels right.
Still slightly unstable, but I feel like me tonight.
That was nice.
And we are approaching a three day weekend, thank god. Unfortunately, it'll be a little bit busier than I'd like it to be. I'd really like to have a day where I can just sit and do absolutely nothing. That seems to be a thing of the past...and I'm glad. I was reading back through my diary the other day, and I realized something. I think that a huge part of the reason that I was so depressed the first semester of sophomore year was because of the fact that I wasn't really doing anything. I had recently been forced to quit soccer due to injuries, and soccer had basically been my life up until then. I trained practically 18 hours a week for most of freshman year (not the end of it though). It wasn't until second semester sophomore year that I actually started doing things again - I started doing community theatre, writing more purposefully (and far beyond this journal), volunteering, and working toward farsighted but attainable goals. I really think that constantly working towards something is a key to my happiness. It fills me with a sense of purpose.
And while I'm not doing fabulously 100% of the time, I'm doing SO much better as compared to last year. I read back, and I realize how insecure and out of control I really was - I can't believe that I did some of the things I did, said some of the things I said, even thought some of the things I thought. I'm probably going to be contending with anxiety and mood swings for the rest of my life...but that's okay. I'm making steps forward. My life is different than it was then, and that's a good thing. I'm doing things that I love doing, and for that I feel very fortunate.
Still, there's a lot that I would consider to be "wrong" with my life right now. I can't win everyday. Some days anxiety or my moods get the better of me, and I'm a total bitch (and completely unproductive). Some days I'm completely blind to everything but the disasters that I've created around me. But hey, I'm still learning. I'm not perfect. I can't win everyday. But who can? It's just nice to wake up in the morning and know that even if I don't win today, at least in some ways (if not others) I'm heading in a direction that feels right.
Still slightly unstable, but I feel like me tonight.