the past is still alive
I want to clear out the past from my life, from my mind. I do not want to forget it or disregard it but instead i want to pick up all of the fragments that I can compile and place then in small wooden drawers in a desk. I want to let go of the pain that I have caused others and which I felt. What else can be done? Yes you learn from pain and situations, you mature and grow and begin to understand more about yourself and others. You cannot continue to remember all the time it seems, and the past pops up at the most inconvenient times. For example in strange dreams, by re-reading old letters or emails, by doing things that were special in another life again with someone new. It seems that sometimes looking back through the eyes of who you used to be in an old romance can be damaging. However it is also beneficial to watch oneself grow and change and realize. I suppose if we never did that we would stagnate or not really learn to the fullest extent. Its like re-reading a classic book again as an adult that you once read in middle school or high school--you can add your life lessons and perspective to a past situation and discover so many nuances about yourself and who you have become.
I suppose we are nothing and no one without our memories and we ought to treasure them regardless of how pleasant or painful they are. The man I am with these days seems to want to forget the past and push through life as if he were in a hurry all the time. It troubles me because I like to savour and taste and lap up and lay and he seems to never understand my ways. Every now and again he allows himself these pleasures but they almost seem like stolen moments, guilty pleasures that he is snatch out from under life. He is not free and he is trying so hard to be normal and free, to be able to let and let live, to relax and regale others but it never seems to work for him and he is perpetually disappointed in himself and his life. He would never admit that to the world. For him there is nothing but now because he is afraid to reconcile with his past and allow his future to ease in. I worry for him all the time, and of course it is my nature to want to help him to relax and change, but no one person can change another. It is nearly impossible for us to realize our own flaws after deep contemplation or life changing activities and it is most definitely impossible to aid someone else in realizing the source of their own pain. And so I am challenged by loving a man in pain who is constantly hurt by the ways of the world and cannot recognize his truth among men or within himself. Tragically instead of seeing that I am reaching out to him and turning to me with open arms he reacts to me the only way he knows how--through confrontation and aggression. He tears us apart and blames me for things that are unrelated to us as a couple or me personally instead of looking inward and discovering a flaw or coming to some conclusion about his behaviors or reactions to situations or individuals. He is so afraid of the critical eyes of others that he has trapped himself in an angry glass jar and is constantly struggling for oxygen.
But I cant help it. I love him. In a very special way that hit me all of a sudden when I was looking in the middle of the night and snatch me up out of a tsunami or a tug of war or a pile of misery that I was trapped in. It was like "BOOM!! you are in love" and I was consumed and all I could think in repetition was "I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him". And then we began to get to know one another and digest one another's life choices, past lives, flaws, hang ups, family situations, quirks and so on. Strange how love happens sometimes. Strange and uncontrollable. Its like a disease that everyone wants and doesn't know how to catch in a way.
I suppose we are nothing and no one without our memories and we ought to treasure them regardless of how pleasant or painful they are. The man I am with these days seems to want to forget the past and push through life as if he were in a hurry all the time. It troubles me because I like to savour and taste and lap up and lay and he seems to never understand my ways. Every now and again he allows himself these pleasures but they almost seem like stolen moments, guilty pleasures that he is snatch out from under life. He is not free and he is trying so hard to be normal and free, to be able to let and let live, to relax and regale others but it never seems to work for him and he is perpetually disappointed in himself and his life. He would never admit that to the world. For him there is nothing but now because he is afraid to reconcile with his past and allow his future to ease in. I worry for him all the time, and of course it is my nature to want to help him to relax and change, but no one person can change another. It is nearly impossible for us to realize our own flaws after deep contemplation or life changing activities and it is most definitely impossible to aid someone else in realizing the source of their own pain. And so I am challenged by loving a man in pain who is constantly hurt by the ways of the world and cannot recognize his truth among men or within himself. Tragically instead of seeing that I am reaching out to him and turning to me with open arms he reacts to me the only way he knows how--through confrontation and aggression. He tears us apart and blames me for things that are unrelated to us as a couple or me personally instead of looking inward and discovering a flaw or coming to some conclusion about his behaviors or reactions to situations or individuals. He is so afraid of the critical eyes of others that he has trapped himself in an angry glass jar and is constantly struggling for oxygen.
But I cant help it. I love him. In a very special way that hit me all of a sudden when I was looking in the middle of the night and snatch me up out of a tsunami or a tug of war or a pile of misery that I was trapped in. It was like "BOOM!! you are in love" and I was consumed and all I could think in repetition was "I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him". And then we began to get to know one another and digest one another's life choices, past lives, flaws, hang ups, family situations, quirks and so on. Strange how love happens sometimes. Strange and uncontrollable. Its like a disease that everyone wants and doesn't know how to catch in a way.