candid
So its finally real, I am allowing myself to love this man and grow closer to him, so much so that I may end up being his wife by the end of the year. Its amazing to me how we just knew. I have been the most confused and skeptical lover with every other man...there was always something. And although this one is not perfect he has just the right amount of the key things i need to be happy. I want to be with him, I want to take care of him, I want to have a family with him. He's "the one". I love him so much that I am afraid that he will leave me. Im not usually afraid of things like that, not so much so that I would tell the man!!
Its like suddenly all these things that I never really thought about as an issue for me, personal things that I project onto relationships, are popping up and I have to deal with them, learn about them, accept them and think them though. For example this whole "leave me" thing that Im worried about...well it stems from childhood and adolescence. Its clear to me the more that I think about it. I am afraid of being abandoned when I am vulnerable. And with this man I am vulnerable in a different way then ever before. It also makes sense to me because I dont want to hurt my exes by totally cutting them off--because I would hate it if they did that to me, if they were to "abandon me".
I am still exploring why I dont want to totally shut the doors on the past...there has to be more to it. I am learning alot about myself, about the self that I buried, under blankets in my warm soft bed, she is slowly waking up and realizing her flaws and problems. Realizing the how and the why and beginning to think of ways to conquer them in time.
Its like suddenly all these things that I never really thought about as an issue for me, personal things that I project onto relationships, are popping up and I have to deal with them, learn about them, accept them and think them though. For example this whole "leave me" thing that Im worried about...well it stems from childhood and adolescence. Its clear to me the more that I think about it. I am afraid of being abandoned when I am vulnerable. And with this man I am vulnerable in a different way then ever before. It also makes sense to me because I dont want to hurt my exes by totally cutting them off--because I would hate it if they did that to me, if they were to "abandon me".
I am still exploring why I dont want to totally shut the doors on the past...there has to be more to it. I am learning alot about myself, about the self that I buried, under blankets in my warm soft bed, she is slowly waking up and realizing her flaws and problems. Realizing the how and the why and beginning to think of ways to conquer them in time.