My heart is breaking and i cant take it
i dont know whats wrong with me today. I feel like shit and i feel like crying and i dont even know why. I went on the internet today to try and find some help, like some program or something to help me get away from my mother.
I dont even know what to look for! My mother has kept my a prisoner by her side my whole life. Never aloud to do anything or go anywhere without her permission. Like she was always afraid i would see how much better life is without her. Ive never been anywhere outside the town i live in. The only time ive ever really left is on the rare occassions my mom feels like actually doing something.
A guy that i work with says he feels so sorry for me and that he just wanted to take me somewhere after work so i would know what is out in the real world. I dont even know where anything is in my own city!!! i couldnt even tell you how to get somewhere thats ten minutes away from my own home thats how locked in ive been!!
I want help! i want out! but i dont know what or how do go about getting or doing anything to get out!!
im not stupid. i know how hard it is to live in the real world and i know that if i had my own place and i was on my own that wouldnt have even half the things i do now living with her. But i tell you its a price i would be willing to pay.
ARGH!!! i hate feeling so sad and helpless!! god it gets so frustrating sometimes i just want to take a knife to my fucking wrists! not to kill myself but to releavie some of this pressure that just keeps building up inside of me. i want to scream so loud my throat hurts. i want freedom!!! i want love!!! i want to feel like my life is worth something!!! i fucking hate this exstince! i hate my mom!! i hate being alone and cut off from everything!
i feel unloved, unwanted, i feel like i should have never been born into this world. My mom all the time tells me how much better her life would have been without me. hell! she even tried to kill me when i was little and she's also tired to wrap her hands around my throat like she was going to kill me and took one of my daggers and held it to me saying "i can kill you and get away with because i can just tell them im depressed." she said it in a way that i couldnt even tell wether or not she was joking.
I often wander what my life would have been like if my mother gave me up for adoption considering how unwanted i am. You know once, when i was like four or five, my mom had a bran new car. I was sick when i rode in it for the first time and through up in the back seat. She was so made she actaully dropped me off on the side of the rode and left me. If it werent for my older sister coming back from me who knows what could have happend.
My mom tells me all the time if it werent for me she would have a boyfriend, she would have money, a life, a nice cute little one bedroom apartment. Friends, love, everything she's ever dreamed of!!! if only it werent for ME!!!!
Well i wish i wasnt here either!!! I HATE YOU!!!! LET ME GO PLEASE!!!!! i dont want to be here...i want to be somewhere else, anywhere else. i want to know what its like for someone to loved you dispite your faults. I want to know...why am i the only one you hate. What did i do to you? why do you hate me? what did i do that was so wrong that you condemend me from the moment i was born?
why cant i cry? why cant i stop caring? why do i keep trying? Nothing i do is every good enough. You say yourself all the time that im nothing but a disappointement. That you hate me. You wish i wasnt around, yet the only reason you live is to raise me. That if you didnt have me to raise you would kill yourself. So wich is it? Do you want me or do you hate me?
I know you cant love me. Thats just impossiable. Nobody can love me. Everyone around me only uses me for something. The kids, my sister, my brother, everyone. They only seem me as a tool to satisfy their own means. Half my family has abadoned me. They think im worthless. Not worth their time. I dont know why. I dont remember ever doing anything to them but clearly there's something wrong with me.
ha!! My heart hurts. That seems to be the only time i really feel much of anything these days. Most of the time i wear a fake smile, and my mind runs on auto piolt as i go through my day acting how i need to act so nobody sucpects what really goes on through my mind.
Do you know what would happen if they really knew how i felt? I would be disowned! Hated even more than i am now. I couldnt bear it if they found out how i really feel. Im so ashamed of myself. I just want to crawl and hide under a rock. My sister, i can see her face now if she were to know my secret. She would look at me with such anger and disgust. i just know she would hate me like my mom does.
Oh my mom would put up a front like "how could you say such things? i could never hate you, i would never do that." then behind closed doors all hell would break loose and she would lash out at me with a vengence. Its times like this that i count my lucky stars she dosent know how to use a computer.
look at me!! complaining like this! Nobody gives a damn! why do i even bother? no one cares. no one ever does and no one ever will. so, why do i even bother. My heart is breaking and no one knows and no one cares. Nobody would even think twice if i just died or dissappeared. I doubt they would even notice.