nervous.. as.. fuck..
So.. party in a few days.. nothing to really worry about, I know who's coming, I have food and fun planned... yet still, I'm nervous and feeling a bit of anxiety about the whole thing.
I know almost everyone coming, so what's the issue... Social settings i suppose, and trying to not have it turn out disastrous.
Then, of course, there's Joey... Driving here thursday night after school, getting here around midnight.. oh boy...
He talks a big game, much as myself, but when confronted with the situation, I know him well enough where he will act exactly like me, quiet, withdrawn, and quietly thinking to himself how this was a bad idea. I completely called his bluff of him being social with everyone, and predicted him sitting in a chair, in the furthest possible corner of the room, being quiet and not participating in any conversations (sound familiar anyone?). But, yeah.
I feel better getting this stuff off my chest in a place where people can read it, so at least i don't have to just think about it, even the thought of people seeing what i'm thinking brings me a little comfort, that i'm not in it alone.. but my god, we have so much in common, he's the first person I can really talk to and spend hours and hours just talking about random things, and not get antsy about wanting to hang up... He's managed to actually put a dent in my rollover minutes.. me! i never talk on the phone, and like hell would i ever even use the minutes i have allotted (8700 rollover minutes anyone?). He could be the one, for all I know, someone i can honestly connect with, someone that has had so many similar experiences, who looks at life the same way.. and I'm being shallow and worrisome that i won't be cute enough, thin enough, or good enough for him, and completely blow it.
Yay for venting..
Also, a dream:
Waking from an unconscious state in a forest. Dried leaves and soft soil feeling like a comfortable bed I'd never want to leave, the sound of a small brook babbling nearby. Peering around i see a few small animals, a squirrel climing a tree, paused in mid climb, looking at me, the look in it's eyes more human than it should be, almost as if it were speaking to me, when i realize it's not looking at me, but behind me. I slowly turn to look, and i see Jocie, not as she is, but more like a sprite, iridescent wings flittering quickly behind her as she approaches me, smiling.
Snap to being home, in bed, waking from the previous dream, hearing noise from the other room behind my closed door. I hear a knock on the door, and Jocie asking if i'm okay, what's wrong. I open the door to see most of my friends in the living room, Jocie with a worried look on her face, and I ask what's going on. She replies in a language I can't understand, something germanic, perhaps, but I'm not completely sure. She reaches a hand out towards me, and I wake from another dream.
Sitting up from bed, I start to wonder if it's another dream, or if i'm finally awake. I look around, nothing seems out of the ordinary. Remembering some advice I once saw about lucid dreaming, i checked my watch. 4:15. Looking away, i search the room for anything out of the ordinary, everything seems fine, Salem is sleeping on the blanket in the corner of my bed, my computer is on, screen aglow in the darkened room. I check my watch again, 7:50. It's then i realized that I was still dreaming, and wondered if i had enough control over my dream, I wonder what i could do. I stood up, and walked towards the door, still nothing out of the ordinary, gravity still applied, everything felt real. I opened the door to what seemed like a swirling black and green vortex, green mist slowly poured into my room, like a fog, as i walked outside. I suddenly found myself back in the forest from the first dream, looking down at myself on the ground. I could see the brook in the distance, a deep crimson, frothing white as it ran against the rocks. As i looked closer i could see a pool of blood around my body as i stepped down for a closer look. as i surveyed my body, it was quite obvious I was dead, an ornate knife protruding from my side, as i reached out to grab it, the whole environment shifted. Swirls of bronze and white shifted around me, as i tried to imagine where i wanted to be. I slowly settled back down in my house, the party underway, no one seemed to notice me as i walked towards my closed door. Kaija was there, knocking on the door, asking if i was okay, what was wrong. It didn't make much sense to me that it was different from the previous dream, until i noticed blood pooling under the door. I walked through it as if it didn't exist, and saw Joey, on my bed, dead. The same ornate knife in his side, much as my corpse in the forest. I reached out to touch it and woke up.
First thing i did was check my watch... realizing that i don't own, or wear a watch.. and spent pretty much the rest of today freaked out ><
No idea what to make of it, but in the future.. I'd really like to not remember weird as dreams like this so vividly -.-;
I know almost everyone coming, so what's the issue... Social settings i suppose, and trying to not have it turn out disastrous.
Then, of course, there's Joey... Driving here thursday night after school, getting here around midnight.. oh boy...
He talks a big game, much as myself, but when confronted with the situation, I know him well enough where he will act exactly like me, quiet, withdrawn, and quietly thinking to himself how this was a bad idea. I completely called his bluff of him being social with everyone, and predicted him sitting in a chair, in the furthest possible corner of the room, being quiet and not participating in any conversations (sound familiar anyone?). But, yeah.
I feel better getting this stuff off my chest in a place where people can read it, so at least i don't have to just think about it, even the thought of people seeing what i'm thinking brings me a little comfort, that i'm not in it alone.. but my god, we have so much in common, he's the first person I can really talk to and spend hours and hours just talking about random things, and not get antsy about wanting to hang up... He's managed to actually put a dent in my rollover minutes.. me! i never talk on the phone, and like hell would i ever even use the minutes i have allotted (8700 rollover minutes anyone?). He could be the one, for all I know, someone i can honestly connect with, someone that has had so many similar experiences, who looks at life the same way.. and I'm being shallow and worrisome that i won't be cute enough, thin enough, or good enough for him, and completely blow it.
Yay for venting..
Also, a dream:
Waking from an unconscious state in a forest. Dried leaves and soft soil feeling like a comfortable bed I'd never want to leave, the sound of a small brook babbling nearby. Peering around i see a few small animals, a squirrel climing a tree, paused in mid climb, looking at me, the look in it's eyes more human than it should be, almost as if it were speaking to me, when i realize it's not looking at me, but behind me. I slowly turn to look, and i see Jocie, not as she is, but more like a sprite, iridescent wings flittering quickly behind her as she approaches me, smiling.
Snap to being home, in bed, waking from the previous dream, hearing noise from the other room behind my closed door. I hear a knock on the door, and Jocie asking if i'm okay, what's wrong. I open the door to see most of my friends in the living room, Jocie with a worried look on her face, and I ask what's going on. She replies in a language I can't understand, something germanic, perhaps, but I'm not completely sure. She reaches a hand out towards me, and I wake from another dream.
Sitting up from bed, I start to wonder if it's another dream, or if i'm finally awake. I look around, nothing seems out of the ordinary. Remembering some advice I once saw about lucid dreaming, i checked my watch. 4:15. Looking away, i search the room for anything out of the ordinary, everything seems fine, Salem is sleeping on the blanket in the corner of my bed, my computer is on, screen aglow in the darkened room. I check my watch again, 7:50. It's then i realized that I was still dreaming, and wondered if i had enough control over my dream, I wonder what i could do. I stood up, and walked towards the door, still nothing out of the ordinary, gravity still applied, everything felt real. I opened the door to what seemed like a swirling black and green vortex, green mist slowly poured into my room, like a fog, as i walked outside. I suddenly found myself back in the forest from the first dream, looking down at myself on the ground. I could see the brook in the distance, a deep crimson, frothing white as it ran against the rocks. As i looked closer i could see a pool of blood around my body as i stepped down for a closer look. as i surveyed my body, it was quite obvious I was dead, an ornate knife protruding from my side, as i reached out to grab it, the whole environment shifted. Swirls of bronze and white shifted around me, as i tried to imagine where i wanted to be. I slowly settled back down in my house, the party underway, no one seemed to notice me as i walked towards my closed door. Kaija was there, knocking on the door, asking if i was okay, what was wrong. It didn't make much sense to me that it was different from the previous dream, until i noticed blood pooling under the door. I walked through it as if it didn't exist, and saw Joey, on my bed, dead. The same ornate knife in his side, much as my corpse in the forest. I reached out to touch it and woke up.
First thing i did was check my watch... realizing that i don't own, or wear a watch.. and spent pretty much the rest of today freaked out ><
No idea what to make of it, but in the future.. I'd really like to not remember weird as dreams like this so vividly -.-;