(no subject)
All the people have gone now. I had over so many my head is spinning. I expected myself to be lonelier than i was in Dallas. That is to say, i thought being alone in Dallas was going to be harder than it was and it wasn't. I am a stranger to this city just as much as it is a stranger to me. But having rob here and others, but especially rob, i went farther than i would have had the balls to go without people. I don't know what i'm trying to say. I'm not making sense to myself. Things are so peaceful at the moment that i can't be sure that this is really my life or if it's my life on mute. Sounds are annoying me a lot now, if they aren't music. The windshield wipers, my mom's coughing, the buzz of the television, the neighbors conversations on their porches, my cat's meow, the doorbell, the wood floor's creaks as i try to sneak by without being noticed by the ghosts or the animals.
In my dreams i can fly. Whenever i am being chased, i never worry because i have a special power that they don't have. I just set my mind on a direction and i leap, float or fly there. i am beyond gravity by some kind of reward from the universe, and when i wake up i'm reassured that my greatest enemy has always been gravity. And that whatever entity there is that controls my dreams allows me the privelege of no gravity in my dreams. I am never stuck in mud, i am never fearfully chased, i'm never drowning or sinking. I am hardly ever fighting. My dreams are a constant scene from Hero or one of those Hong Kong cinema movies. There are no inabilities. Not only can i fly, but i can see and feel everything. Every emotion and every thought feels like it comes from the purest and wisest of places. Things that hold me down in waking life - like men, money, and myself- i laugh in all of their faces when i am dreaming of them. They can't touch me. they can't catch me.
I want to be in that frame of mind at all times. completely able and aware.
rob was here as i mentioned. Having him here and then having him go made me want to live with him even more. We both have a need for quiet time, and we both have a need for music. i am letting myself fantasize about it, the quiet normalness of what i want with him. To wake up and go to work and come home to him at night, dance and read and maybe paint. do mundane things like pay bills and rent, go to the grocery store, clean the toilet. argue about who's going to fix what, stop doing an annoying habit. have sex without having to lock the door.
i don't necessarily want my life to be on mute, i just want it to be kept at a volume where i can still hear myself think.
In my dreams i can fly. Whenever i am being chased, i never worry because i have a special power that they don't have. I just set my mind on a direction and i leap, float or fly there. i am beyond gravity by some kind of reward from the universe, and when i wake up i'm reassured that my greatest enemy has always been gravity. And that whatever entity there is that controls my dreams allows me the privelege of no gravity in my dreams. I am never stuck in mud, i am never fearfully chased, i'm never drowning or sinking. I am hardly ever fighting. My dreams are a constant scene from Hero or one of those Hong Kong cinema movies. There are no inabilities. Not only can i fly, but i can see and feel everything. Every emotion and every thought feels like it comes from the purest and wisest of places. Things that hold me down in waking life - like men, money, and myself- i laugh in all of their faces when i am dreaming of them. They can't touch me. they can't catch me.
I want to be in that frame of mind at all times. completely able and aware.
rob was here as i mentioned. Having him here and then having him go made me want to live with him even more. We both have a need for quiet time, and we both have a need for music. i am letting myself fantasize about it, the quiet normalness of what i want with him. To wake up and go to work and come home to him at night, dance and read and maybe paint. do mundane things like pay bills and rent, go to the grocery store, clean the toilet. argue about who's going to fix what, stop doing an annoying habit. have sex without having to lock the door.
i don't necessarily want my life to be on mute, i just want it to be kept at a volume where i can still hear myself think.