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[sakurafied]

I don't know what to do. Right now I don't know who to talk to. Actually, its more like i don't want to talk to anyone. This is a me, myself, and I problem. Me and Charles are two different people. Its hard for us to agree on many topics and issues. For the past couple days? weeks? months? I don't know how long this have been going on but we've been constantly arguing. I've been irritated by so many things he have done and said. I can't stand his lifestyle, he's so messy and dirty while i'm the clean/neat freak. I have completely different opinions about issues then he does. We simply can't agree. Everytime he talks I feel he's superior to me and that we'll never be able to talk on the same level. He never seems to try to understand where my opinion comes from and why I get offended by some things he says or does. Ny, she's a person that completely understands me and the way i think. Even when she totally disagree with me, she would state her argument to me as if we're talking on the same level. She's my best friend, but sometimes i see her as a big sister who guides me in life, someone I run to when I need help or to talk or just to be there. She is very understanding. Ny is a girl, of course she can understand me... right? Does it all boil down to the fact that guys and girls think differently? I hate classifying people by gender and that each gender have their own limits and restrictions. A girls mind is more complex and complicated? Oh, i've heard that so many times. Then if this is true then Charles have absolutely no idea how the mind of a girl works, and its hard to even try to explain to him. I can't help that I easily cry. I always cry now that I'm with you. I feel weak and vulnerable. You just tore down my protective walls and its fustrating. Its not fair, why is it that my heart is the one being controlled. Sometimes I wish I know what you're thinking, and feeling. Do I really have your heart? Are you finally tired of me yet? Everything you say or do affects me. I'm not asking you to watch what you say but to just expect and understand my reaction. Amazingly enough I do have the capability to let things drops and to move on. I just want you to be more understanding. I have a lot of faults, I'm not perfect. I want this relationship to work, I really do. I will change myself, but its hard. I can't do it over night. I can't stop hitting you when I'm mad. I can't help but be annoyed everytime you talk about certain people that my "i get easily offended" meter go up. I know I cuss a lot when I'm mad. I say horrible mean things. Yes, I do realize you don't deserve this. I know you have yet to cuss or yell at me. I don't know how long you will put up with me, but I'll still hold on to you. I don't want you to leave. But I feel taht one day I'll end up making you leave me and that it'll be my fault. I'll try to suck up my pride sometimes, but I feel like it just comes back at me full force sooner or later and I'll end up going ballistic to you again. I'm a bad girlfriend, I know. I ask for too much. I feel so sad right now. The car ride was horrible, we didn't say a word to each other and that silence just killed me. But of course the real killer is when you left. Yup, I have to agree that it was me who encouraged you to leave with my "ok thanks, bye." I say many mean things and ruin the peaceful mood, I always have an attitude... this is my defense mechanism, I really don't want to get hurt anymore. I really don't but in the end I do. Because the things I say and do to you just come back to me. Its a never ending cycle. I hate this! :( I don't know what to do, this is a battle against myself.

Wonder what you're doing now. Wonder if we'll talk tonight. When you call I'll probably forget everything I wanted to say that I just typed. Hah, my 5 second memory. Hah. I'm typing this on livejournal, charles probably won't read this. I've finally spilled my guts and I probably have more guts to spill. These are the things i want to tell you Charles. Geez, I think I've gone insane. Why haven't you called me yet? Why haven't my phone rang? I'm crying why can't you call. Its ok. I deserve this don't I.