(no subject)
::sigh::
when i really ought to be writing a paper, i find myself wondering what is to be come of me as i tippy tappy type up a conversation on instant messenger.
honestly, i haven't a clue. i'm adrift at sea, and i see no shore in sight. \
my friends.
my peers.
the people with whom i once talked about which schools we were all attending, now they tell me of their plans for real life.
off to chicago, wyoming, new york, boston...
off to medical school
off to law school
off to teach and earn a masters then doctorate
off to africa, asia, south america...
and where do i stand? on a stool, fetching cards or shoes down from a rack. i'm sitting, wondering where i'll be. graduation looms ahead... a light at the end of the tunnel... but for all i know, its a train coming at full speed... green light's a highball...
i asked tony tonight what he wanted out of life, since... even though i've know him for what seems like forever, i don't know what he wants out of life, outside of a high paying cushy job with the company he's at...
where as i'm fairly vocal about what i want: the chance to travel the world and see as much of it as i can in my life. i'm also fairly vocal about what i don't want, and that's a family. honestly. rip my uterus out, since most likely i'll not need it. the thought of being tied down by ankle biters and a demanding husband just turns me off. i don't think marriage is in the cards for me... as i'm easily bored and have too many expectations for relationships. i'm horrid like that, you see. too many wants, i suppose.
i think i'm just never happy. never complacent. ::sigh:: but yet, i think i'm my father's daughter. i say i want all these things but i never do anything to get them. he wanted to go "home" back to tampa. well... he's planted in south florida. what's that saying. he never wanted to leave. but i do want to leave.
stagnant. that's what life seems like right now. stagnant waters that smell foul. the holidays are coming, the holidays are coming, sound the alarm, and i couldn't care less. christmas means nothing to me. it hasn't in a long time. i'm too old for it; christmas is for the kids. ::sigh:: there's doubt to whether or not the tree will go up this year. i'm thinking not.
i'm thinking... some sort of escape. amsterdamm. coffee shop. zippo lighter. calm.
but alas. i'm broke, so no illegal substances for me.... can't even afford the legal ones like booze. my abject pennilessness keeps me from being a junkie. good thing i suppose, since i'm fearing that this case of blues that seems to be lingering over me lately will not disapate.
i fear depression. i know it runs in the family. my father had it, nana has it, and god only knows if it affects my brother or not... i think though, he might be too high strung for it. ::sigh::
emo blog i know. i was supposed to not post any more of those... i keep promising this to my fair readers, but i seem to slink back in to them... however, i suppose this is a good thing... as sir devo put it... not emo enough to kill yourself. heh. no. do other stupid things, but death, not at the moment.
most artists are fucked up mentally, so why should i be any different?
in other news...
i think i've lost my taste for expensive things for the most part. LV and Coach (those being my two big closeted loves) hold no interest to me. the vera bradely bag i wanted, i saw at the mall and it moved me not. clothes, shoes, purses... nothing makes me want to buy it. i guess this is a good thing, but on the other hand... things like that are supposed to make me happy. i'm a very materialist person. i can admit to that. i confess. i like stuff... but stuff isn't making me happy right now. probably because i cna't afford it.
speaking of things... i have no clue what to get tony for his birthday... dany, any suggestions? gals, any pointers on what to get for a guy? i'm fairly out of ideas, considering last year (i think) i got him a watch and in the past i've already done cologne (and he wasn't the boyfriend at the time... heh).
::sigh::
i was looking at some of kat's pictures from italy. not the people pictures really, but the place pictures and i almsot wanted to cry. i want to go back so badly. i felt more at home in a hotel with two roomates than i do here sometimes. i know that's going to earn a "so move to europe" from tony, as i've already gotten that response when i made a remark about how sucky only 2 weeks of vacation is.
i fear... i fear my eternal contemplation of things will be the death of me. not myself literall, but any and all things i may attempt to do or partake in....
::sigh::
when i really ought to be writing a paper, i find myself wondering what is to be come of me as i tippy tappy type up a conversation on instant messenger.
honestly, i haven't a clue. i'm adrift at sea, and i see no shore in sight. \
my friends.
my peers.
the people with whom i once talked about which schools we were all attending, now they tell me of their plans for real life.
off to chicago, wyoming, new york, boston...
off to medical school
off to law school
off to teach and earn a masters then doctorate
off to africa, asia, south america...
and where do i stand? on a stool, fetching cards or shoes down from a rack. i'm sitting, wondering where i'll be. graduation looms ahead... a light at the end of the tunnel... but for all i know, its a train coming at full speed... green light's a highball...
i asked tony tonight what he wanted out of life, since... even though i've know him for what seems like forever, i don't know what he wants out of life, outside of a high paying cushy job with the company he's at...
where as i'm fairly vocal about what i want: the chance to travel the world and see as much of it as i can in my life. i'm also fairly vocal about what i don't want, and that's a family. honestly. rip my uterus out, since most likely i'll not need it. the thought of being tied down by ankle biters and a demanding husband just turns me off. i don't think marriage is in the cards for me... as i'm easily bored and have too many expectations for relationships. i'm horrid like that, you see. too many wants, i suppose.
i think i'm just never happy. never complacent. ::sigh:: but yet, i think i'm my father's daughter. i say i want all these things but i never do anything to get them. he wanted to go "home" back to tampa. well... he's planted in south florida. what's that saying. he never wanted to leave. but i do want to leave.
stagnant. that's what life seems like right now. stagnant waters that smell foul. the holidays are coming, the holidays are coming, sound the alarm, and i couldn't care less. christmas means nothing to me. it hasn't in a long time. i'm too old for it; christmas is for the kids. ::sigh:: there's doubt to whether or not the tree will go up this year. i'm thinking not.
i'm thinking... some sort of escape. amsterdamm. coffee shop. zippo lighter. calm.
but alas. i'm broke, so no illegal substances for me.... can't even afford the legal ones like booze. my abject pennilessness keeps me from being a junkie. good thing i suppose, since i'm fearing that this case of blues that seems to be lingering over me lately will not disapate.
i fear depression. i know it runs in the family. my father had it, nana has it, and god only knows if it affects my brother or not... i think though, he might be too high strung for it. ::sigh::
emo blog i know. i was supposed to not post any more of those... i keep promising this to my fair readers, but i seem to slink back in to them... however, i suppose this is a good thing... as sir devo put it... not emo enough to kill yourself. heh. no. do other stupid things, but death, not at the moment.
most artists are fucked up mentally, so why should i be any different?
in other news...
i think i've lost my taste for expensive things for the most part. LV and Coach (those being my two big closeted loves) hold no interest to me. the vera bradely bag i wanted, i saw at the mall and it moved me not. clothes, shoes, purses... nothing makes me want to buy it. i guess this is a good thing, but on the other hand... things like that are supposed to make me happy. i'm a very materialist person. i can admit to that. i confess. i like stuff... but stuff isn't making me happy right now. probably because i cna't afford it.
speaking of things... i have no clue what to get tony for his birthday... dany, any suggestions? gals, any pointers on what to get for a guy? i'm fairly out of ideas, considering last year (i think) i got him a watch and in the past i've already done cologne (and he wasn't the boyfriend at the time... heh).
::sigh::
i was looking at some of kat's pictures from italy. not the people pictures really, but the place pictures and i almsot wanted to cry. i want to go back so badly. i felt more at home in a hotel with two roomates than i do here sometimes. i know that's going to earn a "so move to europe" from tony, as i've already gotten that response when i made a remark about how sucky only 2 weeks of vacation is.
i fear... i fear my eternal contemplation of things will be the death of me. not myself literall, but any and all things i may attempt to do or partake in....
::sigh::