Hot...Cold...Does it Even Matter Anymore?
Writing this in our apartment that is as hot as the surface of the Sun, so I guess now would be as good a time as any to make an actual post instead of all these survey's and shit. I had been posting on Live Journal and I will probably continue to post there for the simple fact that some of my homies don't read my myspace and junk.
So anyway...an update on said life...I am broke and jobless...huzzah! Had a lot of people die lately...and I've lost some friends that I never expected to lose. Go figure, I was sad about it but at this point I realize that they are no longer my friends for a reason and I am better off without them in my life.
I have to admit though that I have been depressed lately...I think it's a mix of dealing with the emotional bullshit that's been plaguing me lately coupled with the fact that I feel worthless and useless from the fact that I don't have a job and my bank account is super negative. Thankfully my tax refund should be coming soon and I talked to my dad and he's sending me some money to help me out. I'm starting to snap out of my funk thankfully so maybe now everything else will start turning around. At this point one can only hope. And since that's really all I can afford...I'm hoping like whoa.
I had to change my cell phone number due to ex friends calling me like there's no tomorrow trying to get me to "take them back"...like we had dated...no cocksucker...I won't "take you back" because that would imply that I had any interest in dating you, which I don't, which is the reason we're no longer friends in the first place. So if you had my cell before...message me or something and I'll send you the new number.
I guess another reason why I've been so blah is the simple fact that I guess lately I've felt really unappreciated and unnoticed by my roommates and it kinda hurts. I know I'm not working and haven't been contributing to the rent but that doesn't mean that I should always be the one to do the dishes and pick up the messes and take out the trash and just general cleaning. I swear...if I didn't pick up and try to keep the place halfway decent it would be absolutely disgusting. And that really bothers me. And on top of that, they never seem to really want to spend time with me...I consider them friends and most of the time I feel like they don't consider me theirs. I'm tired of bending over backwards and putting myself out there for people just to get burned and hurt and disappointed. But at the same time I don't know how to be any other way. This is who I am, and who I am, while all sorts of awesome, sucks at the same time. It is really tiring having a love/hate relationship with yourself. I know I'm a good person and that I deserve to be happy yet that's just me telling myself that, and maybe one or two of my super close friends. I feel like I'm the throw away relationship in people's lives. And I have to admit...it sucks feeling that way. No one wants to feel disposable, especially when it comes to the people that matter most to them. Disposable and invisible...it sucks to be in a room full of people and feel totally alone.
I hate looking at the people I love and feeling like I don't matter to them because I know that that's the farthest from the truth I could possibly get. Marshall thinks I martyr myself, I personally don't see it but he's probably right, and that stems from the years of shit self-esteem I've had. It's hard to think you're anything special when most of your life you're made to feel like insects and vermin matter more than you do. Thankfully as I've gotten older my self-esteem issues have waned and gotten less severe.
Ok well I have to run...stomach's growling and I need to feed it. I may vent more later but we'll see.
So anyway...an update on said life...I am broke and jobless...huzzah! Had a lot of people die lately...and I've lost some friends that I never expected to lose. Go figure, I was sad about it but at this point I realize that they are no longer my friends for a reason and I am better off without them in my life.
I have to admit though that I have been depressed lately...I think it's a mix of dealing with the emotional bullshit that's been plaguing me lately coupled with the fact that I feel worthless and useless from the fact that I don't have a job and my bank account is super negative. Thankfully my tax refund should be coming soon and I talked to my dad and he's sending me some money to help me out. I'm starting to snap out of my funk thankfully so maybe now everything else will start turning around. At this point one can only hope. And since that's really all I can afford...I'm hoping like whoa.
I had to change my cell phone number due to ex friends calling me like there's no tomorrow trying to get me to "take them back"...like we had dated...no cocksucker...I won't "take you back" because that would imply that I had any interest in dating you, which I don't, which is the reason we're no longer friends in the first place. So if you had my cell before...message me or something and I'll send you the new number.
I guess another reason why I've been so blah is the simple fact that I guess lately I've felt really unappreciated and unnoticed by my roommates and it kinda hurts. I know I'm not working and haven't been contributing to the rent but that doesn't mean that I should always be the one to do the dishes and pick up the messes and take out the trash and just general cleaning. I swear...if I didn't pick up and try to keep the place halfway decent it would be absolutely disgusting. And that really bothers me. And on top of that, they never seem to really want to spend time with me...I consider them friends and most of the time I feel like they don't consider me theirs. I'm tired of bending over backwards and putting myself out there for people just to get burned and hurt and disappointed. But at the same time I don't know how to be any other way. This is who I am, and who I am, while all sorts of awesome, sucks at the same time. It is really tiring having a love/hate relationship with yourself. I know I'm a good person and that I deserve to be happy yet that's just me telling myself that, and maybe one or two of my super close friends. I feel like I'm the throw away relationship in people's lives. And I have to admit...it sucks feeling that way. No one wants to feel disposable, especially when it comes to the people that matter most to them. Disposable and invisible...it sucks to be in a room full of people and feel totally alone.
I hate looking at the people I love and feeling like I don't matter to them because I know that that's the farthest from the truth I could possibly get. Marshall thinks I martyr myself, I personally don't see it but he's probably right, and that stems from the years of shit self-esteem I've had. It's hard to think you're anything special when most of your life you're made to feel like insects and vermin matter more than you do. Thankfully as I've gotten older my self-esteem issues have waned and gotten less severe.
Ok well I have to run...stomach's growling and I need to feed it. I may vent more later but we'll see.