*NSFW* Suicide...
NSFW
Since November the amounts of times I've wanted to kill myself and had the thoughts of it has been increasing. I find my myself having daily battles with myself.... a strong part of me wants to die usually the other side of me listens but recently they've become stronger too leaving me conflicted. I always wonder whats more to living? Before i used to say to see Hey!Say!JUMP but my feelings to see them again to be closer is a selfish thought. I can't say i want to see SEVENTEEN because i don't i love them but i just don't want to see them i just want to die.
only 4 days into 2019 and i already want to die and after a pretty long time I've tried to kill myself. Not only to have failed but have to into my placement and be scolded for my irresponsibilities. Because all they know is that i woke up late not that i took 4 sleeping tabelts in hopes that i wouldn't wake up again. Then i lied to them i feel bad for lying but i told myself i would stop telling people that i want to die and just deal with it. What I've learned from 2018 is that my mental illness has nothing to do with anyone but myself, people don't geuninely care even though they "love" me. This year my mental health will be under my OWN control, if i cant't convince myself to stay alive by the end of this year then these entries might be my last entries before i kill myself the 31st of December 2019.
Yes i'm going to try upload more often ... i want to try upload once a day i wanted to start from the 1st but i have no laptop and LiveJournal on an andorid sucks toes. i didn't di anything special anyway, the 1st i drank alone whilst eating and watch kouhaku uta gassen and JCD. News years i called my parents for a brief moment and dragged my neighbour to go to the shrine to do the first prayer. There we made "friends". 2nd of january i cleaned my house did my hair bought a basketball and played with it. the 3rd i made my house cleaner, then went to play basketball and dance for 2 hours then at 20h50 i decided to try overdose myself with sleeping tablets which obviously failed as i'm out here typing away in the hospital's diary.
I'll try live with a smile but tbvh i just want to die this year.
Since November the amounts of times I've wanted to kill myself and had the thoughts of it has been increasing. I find my myself having daily battles with myself.... a strong part of me wants to die usually the other side of me listens but recently they've become stronger too leaving me conflicted. I always wonder whats more to living? Before i used to say to see Hey!Say!JUMP but my feelings to see them again to be closer is a selfish thought. I can't say i want to see SEVENTEEN because i don't i love them but i just don't want to see them i just want to die.
only 4 days into 2019 and i already want to die and after a pretty long time I've tried to kill myself. Not only to have failed but have to into my placement and be scolded for my irresponsibilities. Because all they know is that i woke up late not that i took 4 sleeping tabelts in hopes that i wouldn't wake up again. Then i lied to them i feel bad for lying but i told myself i would stop telling people that i want to die and just deal with it. What I've learned from 2018 is that my mental illness has nothing to do with anyone but myself, people don't geuninely care even though they "love" me. This year my mental health will be under my OWN control, if i cant't convince myself to stay alive by the end of this year then these entries might be my last entries before i kill myself the 31st of December 2019.
Yes i'm going to try upload more often ... i want to try upload once a day i wanted to start from the 1st but i have no laptop and LiveJournal on an andorid sucks toes. i didn't di anything special anyway, the 1st i drank alone whilst eating and watch kouhaku uta gassen and JCD. News years i called my parents for a brief moment and dragged my neighbour to go to the shrine to do the first prayer. There we made "friends". 2nd of january i cleaned my house did my hair bought a basketball and played with it. the 3rd i made my house cleaner, then went to play basketball and dance for 2 hours then at 20h50 i decided to try overdose myself with sleeping tablets which obviously failed as i'm out here typing away in the hospital's diary.
I'll try live with a smile but tbvh i just want to die this year.