Long time no write my only friend
Hello my only friend,
I avoided writing here, was it because i didn't want to admit that i was lonely? Or was it because i tried to tell these stupid things to actual people for once. well either way i'm back... today i watched a drama it's a Korean drama called on the way to the airport, it's about a married man and a married woman falling in love with each other and building a relationship its slow paced yet exciting yet realistic. You know in the preview for the next episode they fucking kiss but not only that their spouses start to realise something fishy. I'm so exicted!!!
That's all i wanted to say to a friend or my family but no one will listen or say "Ah is that so its interesting"... the older i get the more i crave attention the more i want someone to listen to me, tell me i'm doing well, protect me from everything,scold me but i guess it'll never happen. It's sad that i've become like this, i've become more cowardly more timid somehow...
I finished an entire thai series called diary of tootsies, the drama really hit home especially when Kim who was suicidal expressed his emotions to his friends i could relate to every word, it really hit me and reminded me of how much i wanted to die back in the past and how that emotion has gotten stronger. But unlike myself Kim had really good friends, the people around me aren't bad they're just not there and don't understand me which is my fault i guess i'm pretty closed off and not a personal type person but at the same time when i'm calling you why don't you call back and ask if i'm okay afterwards. One time i was having an attack on the streets and had no one to call but my american friend and made her feel like shit because she couldn't be physically there for me. why is that i have no one physically there for me? everyone else does but me...
I hate the things i used to love, music, writing, singing,rapping ... i'm slowly going back to that time, back when i made a dark twitter and surrounded myself with suicidal people and would try to do something everyday in hope someone would notice tell me to stop tell me they loved me that i should live hoping that they'd be sincere and not saying it because they're scared of the circumstances. I'm good and picking up these things like sincerity yet i hate compliments they make me weird because i don't get complimented often which brings me to this endless circle or should i call it a cycle.
i hate that i can't even be straight forward about this and you know what i hate that keito might not come back to JUMP even though he's promised ... i can't talk to anyone about him without them judging or trying to change the subject.
I JUST HATE THIS.
I avoided writing here, was it because i didn't want to admit that i was lonely? Or was it because i tried to tell these stupid things to actual people for once. well either way i'm back... today i watched a drama it's a Korean drama called on the way to the airport, it's about a married man and a married woman falling in love with each other and building a relationship its slow paced yet exciting yet realistic. You know in the preview for the next episode they fucking kiss but not only that their spouses start to realise something fishy. I'm so exicted!!!
That's all i wanted to say to a friend or my family but no one will listen or say "Ah is that so its interesting"... the older i get the more i crave attention the more i want someone to listen to me, tell me i'm doing well, protect me from everything,scold me but i guess it'll never happen. It's sad that i've become like this, i've become more cowardly more timid somehow...
I finished an entire thai series called diary of tootsies, the drama really hit home especially when Kim who was suicidal expressed his emotions to his friends i could relate to every word, it really hit me and reminded me of how much i wanted to die back in the past and how that emotion has gotten stronger. But unlike myself Kim had really good friends, the people around me aren't bad they're just not there and don't understand me which is my fault i guess i'm pretty closed off and not a personal type person but at the same time when i'm calling you why don't you call back and ask if i'm okay afterwards. One time i was having an attack on the streets and had no one to call but my american friend and made her feel like shit because she couldn't be physically there for me. why is that i have no one physically there for me? everyone else does but me...
I hate the things i used to love, music, writing, singing,rapping ... i'm slowly going back to that time, back when i made a dark twitter and surrounded myself with suicidal people and would try to do something everyday in hope someone would notice tell me to stop tell me they loved me that i should live hoping that they'd be sincere and not saying it because they're scared of the circumstances. I'm good and picking up these things like sincerity yet i hate compliments they make me weird because i don't get complimented often which brings me to this endless circle or should i call it a cycle.
i hate that i can't even be straight forward about this and you know what i hate that keito might not come back to JUMP even though he's promised ... i can't talk to anyone about him without them judging or trying to change the subject.
I JUST HATE THIS.